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Friday, March 23, 2012
Dear Fireflies.
I apologize for going away without any notes or signs left behind. Many things happened and I can not balance up with every single thing in my life so I just had to run away from everything. I do not want anyone to know that I am troubled by my own problems. I almost wanted to give everything up while going through it alone. But now I know, I can go through this by standing for my rights and not bear all the bloody way. Enough kindness and being all-so-nice towards everyone when I know I will get shits from some of em' in the end.
I left school, I left work so I will not be schooling for this year again. I have lost a number of people in my life and that is for the better. I do not need anymore betrayals, rumors, dramas or anything that can caused pain in my life. I have gone through the pain, so now I am back cause I know that I can only go through life with my true dear Fireflies around me. And this time, I will not leave [ I hope ]. Every cold night, I will always dream about you all and it hurts me not getting to feel the sweet presence, hear the cute laughter and that bitchy gossips from you lovely souls.\ Please forgive me for I have made all of you worried sick and I really do not mean it, honest. I just do not want to trouble anyone. This is who I am. So please do accept me for my flaws and all. Once again, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
Yours faithfully,
Zairul Saturday, February 25, 2012 Broken pieces. 
Trying to merge these broken pieces of my heart & once done, being more cautious is what I will become
Lay down on the hard ground, alone in the cold dark. Opened my eyes, got back up on my two feet & I started to run. Ran as fast as I can while I pushed everything that is on my way, trying to search for a light. Holding on to my strength, I could not bear to look back. I have to get out of this pain. So then, I paused for awhile, just stood there.. Thinking.. Should I let myself be uncovered... For I know I am going to fall again if ever I make the wrong decision, & I have to face it alone like how I have been facing alone throughout my life. What is the difference anyway between leaving everything & getting to feel pain alone & being with the people around you whom you loved, & getting to feel pain alone, still? Now, don't be silly. You know you are thinking like a kid again, Zairul. Sigh. But never in my life have I ever feel that I have been purely love by someone. Never in my life have I ever feel special like how I made someone or at least, a number of them, my special one. You know, looking at the kids playing around at the foot of the block, made me smile sometimes. They are very lucky to have that childhood life like how every kid supposed to get. For I know only one, at least, who have a childhood moment which have been in one huge disruption caused by a few heartless human beings. At times, when I had that flashback playing through my mind, whenever I see that young innocent kid, aged five through that familiar place, where he got touched in a manner where it can kill your heart & mind. I have that huge pity for that young kid. He does not have a good childhood life. Having fishes & other harmless creatures as his friends. Getting bullied so badly in school, at home or anywhere else. Not getting to feel that beautiful love from his own mother & father. For more than two goddamn years, he struggled, he tried many ways to be strong, he kept everything that had happened to him, to himself. Such a young age, I just cannot believe those things they did can kill him mentally. I know he has never hold grudges on them, but seeing them now, made him have that huge impact of the pain from the past. He will be afraid & at times shed tears. It is a huge challenge to let something so heavy go, especially when it has caused you too much corruption in mind & heart. " How can you ever forget that heavy feeling even when they are around me? ", he asked. How do I know & understand all his pain? Well, that young kid, was me. But it is fine. Just as long as I will not see them at sight or somebody mentioning their name. I will be fine. Though after I left that hideous place, the misery continued... Violence hit me hard every time a mistake or not, have I done. From a step father so cruel. Who am I to bother about him anymore since I am no longer living with him? Twelve years & seven months have I gone through pain. Oh why should I bother? Why am I being so sensitive? Well, looked back through my life, I will not be this way if the shits from my past would not happen. That does not mean I'm living life with regrets, no. At least I know, that I am kind to others & my goal in life is to make the ones I loved, or not smile before I closed my very eyes. Quite impossible huh? Well, to me.. Or to some people in this world, we say nothing is impossible. Have a good night. Saturday, February 11, 2012
Paranoia.
Everything is in a mess after you left, so I scream in pain while I bend down on my knees, crying with paranoia in the way
I've been tearing these past few weeks. Day by day, it got worse. My mind's been having too much voices now, so I screamed in pain. I couldn't control myself. I feel like as if everyone is trying to harm me mentally. I feel like they're trying to make me kill myself. The thoughts of killing myself came back. Kept fighting for my life. My mind got multiple flashbacks out of the blue. Voices were heard everywhere. Dreamt of my brother every single night. Feel like everything is twirling so fast. Closed my eyes tight while I pulled my hair so damn hard.
Can't bear with the pain. Trying to but it's so hard. I'm really tired of hearing lies. Now I became more silent in work, no longer am I that cheerful teen anymore. Silence is filling up my life now. Somebody save me from this nightmare that has already touched the reality world. I'm suffering from this misery... Now I can never trust anyone, not even my close friend. It's so hard to find someone who is true to you. Never in my life have I had one true close friend. Well, I just hope that.. I can cope with this heavy pain.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Cold.
Fell into a place, a place where it's just myself & my loneliness, darkness fills the light, nothing is ever going to wrap me up with warmth, everything's so cold now, I'm frozen
So it's been a few weeks, since I left... I left them for good. Felt the pain, of being lonely. Felt it all in my heart. It's like your heart has been stabbed pretty badly. Silly of me to text him out of the blue. It was expected. No will always be an answer.
Labels: cold Saturday, January 21, 2012
Does your parents know about your sexual orientation? I mean, i'm bi myself but i don't have the confidence to let people know about it.
Yes, they know about it. Everyone knows about me now, only a number doesn't know.
Well, it's best if you tell them, not letting them be covered by the darkness before they found out themselves, cause no secrets can ever be hidden forever. One day, they'll be uncovered.. Just like how my parents found out about me. Everything was in a mess, but now, it isn't that worse, still, I'm in pain & slowly, I'm trying to get out of this shit. Hopefully, I will find happiness, & hopefully, everything will go smoothly for you, as well..
Stars.
Stars, the most beautiful nature created by God, the only nature that gives me curiosity if I could really grabbed it with my bare hands & keep em some place safe where they can accompany me through the darkness
I had a dream, a dream of us. I've been dreaming with you inside for the past week, but this one that I had last two nights, it is unforgettable. It really is beautiful living in that kind of dream. We were some place where it's just you & me, standing on soft grass. Apparently, the ground was covered with grass, nothing else. It was dark, so I assumed it was night time & I was right, since stars were everywhere twinkling around the sky. I turned & looked at you. You were beautiful, staring at me with that sweet smile of yours.
We lie on the ground & looked up at the stars for a few good minutes, then I realized there were a few stars that were shining even more than the rest of them & the ones that were shining brightly made a shape of a circle. Out of the blue, it started to swirl round & round then it was nowhere to be seen.
My mind started to load up with questions. Why were they shining brightly & made a shape of a circle? That's not all, swirling round & round then, gone. While I was contemplating deeply about it, we took a stroll & there were some huge things around me, but I couldn't remember what was it. Then, there was this kid who appeared right out of nowhere, I assumed he's Chinese since he have small eyes.
He stood just a few distance away from me & he said this, " Abg, I love you. " And I replied, " Aww, I love you too. " I don't know why I said that but it was weird, not knowing that I have never met him in my life. It was a nice feeling though, getting to hear someone saying, " I love you " to me. I really felt it, my heart, showered with warm love. Then I woke up after that, sat there on my bed, trying to remember whatever that I dreamt of earlier.
I will never forget that dream, that feeling, the place, the one that I was with.. What an unforgettable dream, a beautiful one too. So I now wonder... Is it a sign of something? It still made my mind come running up with questions. If it really is a sign, I'd want to see the definition of this dream of mine. Friday, January 20, 2012
If you could fly, where would you go?
Way above the clouds, somewhere faraway where pain never exist.
So, what are the races you wouldn't want to date? Are you religious/homophobic and/or believe in God?
I am universal. Like I said, if Love touched this heart of mine, then I'll just go for him/her. I am never homophobic, or religious. I'm bisexual, & I'm agnostic. I believe there's God but I don't believe in any kind of religion.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Humanity.
We can never get away from mistakes, pain, miseries, tears & all the negativity that can lead us into pieces, this is what humanity means, & you can never get away from them all for long
2011 has ended & now 2012 has just begun. A whole lot of drama have been going on early this year & I've been trying to cope with every single shit that I'm carrying with me now. I did my best, trying to accept & understand others, by swallowing my dirty ego whenever they dislike me on whatever I did. I'm tired of satisfying others' needs when they have not done anything to me in return. I wiped their tears when they're in pain, but mine were left untouched, I listened to all their shits & be heard at the same time, I set up my maturity level, depend on myself, did everything I could, but honestly, this is just too much. It's time to set my foot down, I'm not expecting them to do the same to me too but just accept & understand what I'm going through now. Reality check, I'm a human being who have flaws & feelings like you & everyone else in this imperfect world too. Furthermore, I'm still a teenager, & have a long way to go to be an adult but yet, I'm doing everything I could to make things stable, less laughing, & more serious with whatever I'm doing. My dad can't be by my side now, he's the only one that loves me, accept & understand me for who I am. But still, he wants me to change, but at least, there isn't any force made by him. He loves me & I love him too, but no one's going to be there for me now since he's in. Therefore, I'm trying to burn down my fear, & build up my courage instead whenever I need to go through pain. I've suffered ever since when I was 5. So look where am I now? Still breathing but at the same time, I'm going through pain. My life is a never ending misery, everything's so pretty... pretty messed up I must say. At times, I closed my eyes, with both hands clasped tight, praying to God, that one day, I hope he'll bring down a beautiful angel to strengthen my weak heart & be by my side always, regardless of whatever thick or thin we'll need to go through. I just want to feel, how is it like being cared, love & worried for that much. And the only thing that can make me smile with sincerity, is being with my brother. But sadly, things are not going through quite well between us. I've teared so badly these past few days. I've so long have not teared so badly until this. He's the only one that I loved most, apart from my dad. Without him, I can't lead a normal life. Everything will be in a pretty huge mess. Sigh. But, at least I can look at him from afar, or if not, just through my phone or in my dreams. I pray to God to be by his side, always. To give him the strength to go through deep shits. He never once, has walked out of my mind. I still remember the time, where I came searching for him everywhere, & finally saw him crying all alone in the cold dark, so I wiped his tears away then gave him a long hug, so I started tearing too at the beach, the hard sand, the crashing waves, the trees & the shining stars above witnessed it all. When he was drunk, he pushed me away, throwing all the harsh words right at this fragile heart of mine, I was still there, hugging him tight, not wanting to let him go, I wiped off his tears while he pouted his lower lip, then I smiled & giggled, saying how silly he was cause no one is going to leave him. I'm still here. He always teared due to the ones he loved, left him. But now, it looks like, he's a part of them & I'm him, tearing all night, mutilate myself, & this time, no one is there for me. The tears that I shed, were left untouched. I just hope, that one fine day, we're going to be fine again, but this time, I hope it won't end up this bad again, or worse. What did I do wrong to deserve all these pain my dear God. P.S: I'm done here, so it's time for me to get away from everything & change myself. Goodbye for now. Labels: Humanity Thursday, December 22, 2011
What do you mean "Karma is my game"
Well.. Let's just say that I can play it on others whenever I want. (:
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