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Monday, February 28, 2011
The heart.  I want your hard body to lean against mine while we look into each others' eyes, slowly letting our lips meet cause the heart misses the way how we touch & make love while I pull your delicate hair through the cold night Alone in the living room, once again I couldn't lay my hands off this laptop cause it is a must for updating this dear blog of mine. My mind came wandering off thinking of him, his soft lips, how our lips met when we're on the comfy bed, his mesmerizing eyes, how he look into mine til I can't lay off of his, & how I pull his soft delicate hair as soon as his wet tongue went down from my neck to my hard chest. The breathing goes heavy when this mind came playing of how we make love on the comfy bed through that cold night. It went so passionately, so smoothly like I'm the only boy in his world. The satisfaction was there, the love I had given him was so strong, I could feel it through this warm heart of mine but what about his? I wonder. Well, I should just stop thinking about it cause there's not a doubt that the love he had for me once will be resurrected back again. Though this caused my heart to shatter but the only way left I can only do is just to lift up my feet & take a step forward, making my way through the beautiful or painful future. I have meet up the ones who have touched my life with beautiful colors & that are my dear gay family. Hugs & tears were involved & truly I miss them a lot too. My heart feel a lot more lighter when I met those family of mine.Yes, I will do my best not to disappear myself again, just hope for me that I'll be alright when I go through this painful journey in my life, just don't ever forget to hold my hand tight, never letting go cause without you all, I'm weak, insecure & lonely. I am a boy who owned a weak soul, a fragile heart & a negative mind but with you beautiful souls around, I now owned, a strong soul, a heart of steel & a bright positive mind. You souls enlightened me with all your love & your surroundings. How can I not be grateful of what God have given me? Just want to say that I'm thankful for everything you dear souls have done for me & I wish I can repay all your kindness & everything you all have done for me. Before I shut this laptop down, I would like to especially thank to my only beloved gay brother, Dudy Monteiro for everything. Just read my soft lips, captured it & locked it into that heart of yours cause dear brother, you're the only one that no one can ever replace to shine my fragile heart even when I have fallen from my knees & got a shattered heart. You're the only one who can mend this broken heart & burn all the negative emotions away. I truly love you from the center of my heart, forever your name will always be tattooed right at the center of it. I'll never forget you even if a massive argument will caused us to move on in separate ways. I'll always remember on how you've helped me when I'm in need of an extra hand, you were always there. I can see it through your eyes that you did your very best til a tear can be shed right at this moment. Just hope we'll last til we have to set this souls go. Labels: Heart Wednesday, February 23, 2011 Dear You.  Dear You, you're such a beautiful soul to love, how can God not create someone as special as you Dear beloved gay brother, Dudy, I know that you've been trying to get back to me with all the messages & calls you've given & you have created Twitter & added my first account in Facebook just to get in contact with me but sadly, I didn't reply any of your messages or pick up any one of your calls. My apologize for not doing so. I know you've missed me with all your tiny pieces of the heart & I do miss you too as you know it but you know that I don't have any intention of breaking your heart into a million tears.You're a beautiful soul that have came into my life & warm up my cold heart. How can I not love you more? Your characters tickle up my heart & let out laughter with the blues fading away, your smile make a huge pencil that drew a gigantic wide smile on my cracked face & your comfort could mend my broken colorless heart. Your a brother that I truly am grateful to have, to love, to share my bleeding problems when I'm down, a brother that I can give hello & goodbye kisses whenever we meet & have to go on home in separate ways. A brother that I can comfort whenever you're in tears due to some thorns that have pricked your fragile heart & a brother that I can goof around with in town or wherever we are at. I really love you from the bottom of my broken heart & I've been having this urge of meeting you badly but still, I controlled myself, not taking a step forward in meeting you & not dialing up your number to give you a call or a text either. I would want to meet you & hug you real tight like you're my smelly little soft pillow & give kisses like how we used to give each other when we meet but it's not the right time yet. I'm forbidden to meet you or anyone for now. But I can promise you that it'll be soon, very soon. Just get ready & I know when we meet, we're going to have a long talk. Smile always alright cause you've always been in my mind every night & day, thinking if you're alright wherever you are, whether you are safe or not til you were in my beautiful dreams along with your fat kitty of course, Miles. I have not forgotten you still cause forever, your name have been tattooed right at the center of this heart. May God give you guidance as he leads you along the way. Meow meow brother, meow meow~ Your baby brother, Zairul Labels: Dear Sunday, February 20, 2011 Nightmare in the house.  As the cold night goes young, & as this tears come slipping down, my mind came running, thinking when will this nightmare in the house end cause as time passes by, my heart can't bear to carry all this pain any longer In this cold living room alone with the fan blowing at my direction. Have been sleeping on the red sofa of the living room this past few nights. Caught a cold & a slight fever. Body is as enervate as ever. With a blurry sight when stood up, my head feel so heavy as ever. It feels like someone have been punching my head repeatedly. The pain, it hurt so terribly. Coughing non-stop. No cigarettes left for me, just me, the house & the days left for me to be away from everyone. I got no choice but to be in this house & settle every shit that is happening right now. Though it kills my heart slowly, but still... I'm bearing this heavy pain that have been bestowed upon me. Just waiting for this nightmare to end, & as soon as it ends, I can just step out of this nightmare & meet those beautiful souls that have shine my dark life, grab my hand just to pull me up when I fall right off my knees & give me a tight warm hug, telling me that everything's going to be alright. Those sweet feeling tingles my heart as the people I love came around my mind. It drew out a smile on my face when I kept thinking of these beautiful souls. The missing feeling was there, I miss them to bits, really I do. I can feel that there's a big difference when they're here, around you & when they're far away, from you. The feeling of love, secured, laughter & no space for loneliness & pain were there whenever they're around me, but now... Those negative feelings are right here, caged in my broken heart & as time came slipping by, the feeling got heavier til it leads to tears. I'm doing this for a reason so I apologize if I disappeared myself from everyone. I have no intention to hurt anyone, I swear. I just wish that I wouldn't be in this kind of position right now. I know I'm not lost, I know where I am, but I just really hate it here. 3 more days... Just hope that I'll be alright cause I don't want to continue overdosing myself every time she starts pressurizing me with all her empty words. God, make me feel strong. Love ones, pray for my safety. And you, never give up on waiting for me if you really love me. Goodnight. Labels: Nightmare Friday, February 18, 2011 This melancholy soul.  As time went slipping by, the darkness slowly conquered the light, making everything unseen, letting this melancholy soul all alone in this dark life with the deep feelings of insecurity, loneliness & pain filling up the heart. Tears rises the eyes as it pricked the heart, slowly the soul went into the darkness, leaving everything from the light, making himself disappear from everything The serenity of the night calmed the heart, as I closed my eyes, it slowly cleared everything that was in my mind, the feeling of the wind touching my delicate skin really let out a purr, the sound of the stray cats at the foot of the block singing through the night as it was still young. I opened my eyes & tears was rising. I looked at the mirror that was in my aunt's room, looking at myself, my cracked face, my skinny body & a burning cigarette in between my index finger & the middle one. Questions were echoed in my mind. Life got a lot more worse as the world revolves. My mind imaged the beloved souls who have helped me a lot in my life through thick & thin, my beloved gay brother, my gay brother-in-law & especially my special friend who have been supporting me a lot. My heart felt so warm while my eyes were closed with those souls that were captured in my mind, then it all fade away & my heart got cold & darkened. The silent house is filled with hatred, anger & pain now. Back then, the house was filled with, happiness & laughter, not a single negative emotion were caged in someone's heart. But now, it all changed... Thoughts of moving out of the house & living in Malaysia is a high chance of my grandmother to want to go on with that decision bringing along my 13-year-old aunt & I with her, leaving her 22-year-old daughter in the house. Yes, this house is definitely full of dramas but all I can give out is just a triple dot. It all went so badly, having a pressurized mind & an enervate heart. Then all those pain that have caused her to rage in fire hit me so bad, she threw all of it to me. I just don't know what to do but just caged everything inside my fragile heart, sitting there with tears being hold strongly, never wanting a tear to shed from the eyes. I'm disappointed of what is happening revolves around my life. I'm just a boy who still owns no part-time job yet. Wanted a job real bad before my holidays are done but so far, no calls were given from various shops who have written down my name & number. I just do not want to trouble anyone when I'm going out with them & I especially do not want to trouble him, my dear special friend. I'm just hoping that when I open my eyes the next morning, it'll start to get better than worsen as time went slipping by. For now, I'll just wave a goodbye, disappearing myself from everyone... I'm sorry, but I just don't want to be a burden to anyone any longer. May God brings you beloved souls joy & happiness without me as he guides you along the way. Lots of Love, Zairul Labels: soul Tuesday, February 8, 2011 A broken soul. 
I have a close friend, a close friend who's always down with life full of black & white. The one who have similar personalities/thinking/likes/dislikes with me [ well almost everything ] & we just labelled ourself as twin hearts cause even though we do not have similar looks but our inner self are almost the same. His lonely heart always cry for love every late night, cold tears will rised & just run down through his cheeks while his mind is playing of those lovely memories with the one he loves most. Everything went so smoothly back then, even though they have made big arguements, but still in the end, they will went back together as one piece again. As time passed by, arguements were made between his lover & his lover's bestfriend. Then a few days past, their love went weak & sadness occurred. In the end, everything turned out as chaos & his lover left him without any reasons given. Now he is just left as a broken soul with a curious mind running around everytime. Unexpected thoughts occurred through his mind & he wouldn't want it to be the reason of his lover's leaving his life. Then more thoughts came appearing in his mind & as time passed by, the problems he kept to himself got more & more heavier til he can't take it any longer. He want to set everything right, he wants to move on, but without answers given, he is still stuck in the past & never want to step into the future. Days past & answers slowly revealed through online & turned out that his lover is now in someone's hand. Things got more confusing to him cause when he dated his lover, did he go mingling around with another soul or did he even love him in the first place? Questions are still kept in mind & it will be revealed soon enough. I just want to say that whatever the reason is, you know that you need to move on. You deserve someone better, WE deserve someone better. You know that you can always count on me. Just don't ever let guys step you down. Prove to them that you're strong enough to overcome this pain. I know that God let us wait for a reason, he is just waiting for the right time to let the lover of our life to touch our heart & let us have colorful fireworks in our colorless life. Remember, you're not alone. Your friends & I will always be there for you whenever... Your twin heart, Zairul Labels: Broken Wednesday, February 2, 2011 Is it wrong to be bisexual ? |
 zairul is my name & karma is my game. His Quote: what goes around with me comes around you. ♦ Dudy Monteiro. ♦ Dudy's Tumblr. ♦ Hafiz Pendek. ♦ Subhi Illiyyin. ♦ Syakirchner Elise. ♦ Hedi Kikomori. ♥ Jaselin Gemok. ♥ Frah Anne. ♥ Maia Panda. ♥ Yidah Twinny. ♥ Farna Bimbo. ♥ Uffie Aosyki. ♥ Echa Boncet. ♦ Syairul Adams. ♦ Fyzzstro. Individuals Amelina. Azmy. Belle. Din. Echa. Eicha. Eydah. Faizahh. Fie. Fir. Irzan. Ita. Jaja. Mei Ting. Naim. Natasha. Nini. Nisa. Pearl. Qayyum. Rush. Shah. Shasha. Shaq. Sheeqeen. Teko. Yourlanda. Yusry. Zaidi. May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 Tagged. Tumblr. Twitter. |
