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Saturday, February 25, 2012
Broken pieces. 
Trying to merge these broken pieces of my heart & once done, being more cautious is what I will become
Lay down on the hard ground, alone in the cold dark. Opened my eyes, got back up on my two feet & I started to run. Ran as fast as I can while I pushed everything that is on my way, trying to search for a light. Holding on to my strength, I could not bear to look back. I have to get out of this pain. So then, I paused for awhile, just stood there.. Thinking.. Should I let myself be uncovered... For I know I am going to fall again if ever I make the wrong decision, & I have to face it alone like how I have been facing alone throughout my life. What is the difference anyway between leaving everything & getting to feel pain alone & being with the people around you whom you loved, & getting to feel pain alone, still? Now, don't be silly. You know you are thinking like a kid again, Zairul. Sigh. But never in my life have I ever feel that I have been purely love by someone. Never in my life have I ever feel special like how I made someone or at least, a number of them, my special one. You know, looking at the kids playing around at the foot of the block, made me smile sometimes. They are very lucky to have that childhood life like how every kid supposed to get. For I know only one, at least, who have a childhood moment which have been in one huge disruption caused by a few heartless human beings. At times, when I had that flashback playing through my mind, whenever I see that young innocent kid, aged five through that familiar place, where he got touched in a manner where it can kill your heart & mind. I have that huge pity for that young kid. He does not have a good childhood life. Having fishes & other harmless creatures as his friends. Getting bullied so badly in school, at home or anywhere else. Not getting to feel that beautiful love from his own mother & father. For more than two goddamn years, he struggled, he tried many ways to be strong, he kept everything that had happened to him, to himself. Such a young age, I just cannot believe those things they did can kill him mentally. I know he has never hold grudges on them, but seeing them now, made him have that huge impact of the pain from the past. He will be afraid & at times shed tears. It is a huge challenge to let something so heavy go, especially when it has caused you too much corruption in mind & heart. " How can you ever forget that heavy feeling even when they are around me? ", he asked. How do I know & understand all his pain? Well, that young kid, was me. But it is fine. Just as long as I will not see them at sight or somebody mentioning their name. I will be fine. Though after I left that hideous place, the misery continued... Violence hit me hard every time a mistake or not, have I done. From a step father so cruel. Who am I to bother about him anymore since I am no longer living with him? Twelve years & seven months have I gone through pain. Oh why should I bother? Why am I being so sensitive? Well, looked back through my life, I will not be this way if the shits from my past would not happen. That does not mean I'm living life with regrets, no. At least I know, that I am kind to others & my goal in life is to make the ones I loved, or not smile before I closed my very eyes. Quite impossible huh? Well, to me.. Or to some people in this world, we say nothing is impossible. Have a good night. Saturday, February 11, 2012
Paranoia.
Everything is in a mess after you left, so I scream in pain while I bend down on my knees, crying with paranoia in the way
I've been tearing these past few weeks. Day by day, it got worse. My mind's been having too much voices now, so I screamed in pain. I couldn't control myself. I feel like as if everyone is trying to harm me mentally. I feel like they're trying to make me kill myself. The thoughts of killing myself came back. Kept fighting for my life. My mind got multiple flashbacks out of the blue. Voices were heard everywhere. Dreamt of my brother every single night. Feel like everything is twirling so fast. Closed my eyes tight while I pulled my hair so damn hard.
Can't bear with the pain. Trying to but it's so hard. I'm really tired of hearing lies. Now I became more silent in work, no longer am I that cheerful teen anymore. Silence is filling up my life now. Somebody save me from this nightmare that has already touched the reality world. I'm suffering from this misery... Now I can never trust anyone, not even my close friend. It's so hard to find someone who is true to you. Never in my life have I had one true close friend. Well, I just hope that.. I can cope with this heavy pain.
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 zairul is my name & karma is my game. His Quote: what goes around with me comes around you. ♦ Dudy Monteiro. ♦ Dudy's Tumblr. ♦ Hafiz Pendek. ♦ Subhi Illiyyin. ♦ Syakirchner Elise. ♦ Hedi Kikomori. ♥ Jaselin Gemok. ♥ Frah Anne. ♥ Maia Panda. ♥ Yidah Twinny. ♥ Farna Bimbo. ♥ Uffie Aosyki. ♥ Echa Boncet. ♦ Syairul Adams. ♦ Fyzzstro. Individuals Amelina. Azmy. Belle. Din. Echa. Eicha. Eydah. Faizahh. Fie. Fir. Irzan. Ita. Jaja. Mei Ting. Naim. Natasha. Nini. Nisa. Pearl. Qayyum. Rush. Shah. Shasha. Shaq. Sheeqeen. Teko. Yourlanda. Yusry. Zaidi. May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 Tagged. Tumblr. Twitter. |
