Karma is my game

I know you all have eye-candies but don't you guys ever wonder who's the people who are eye-candying you? :)

Answer here

Dreams, Nightmare.

Dreams are so beautiful that it makes you want to close your eyes forever, living in em', forgetting the reality, but when it has turned into a nightmare, the only thing you would want to do is run back to reality

Walking through the underpass all alone with everything so cold & all you can only see was dust, cracked walls & dim lights. But as I walk deep into the underpass, I suddenly saw someone, or rather a few people from a distance. Does my eyes deceived me? Or what I see was real? I wanted to be sure so I took a few steps forward & then, I took a few steps some more & from there, I didn't stop, I continued walking & this time, as briskly as I could. Then I ran towards them & I hugged them tight, a tear ran down my cheek. It was my beloved brother, his boyfriend, my 9 years close friend & a friend which I just know him for almost 3 months, he have been helping me a lot lately. I stopped hugging them, & just stood rooted to the ground while I stare at each & everyone of them. They just smile & no words were heard.

Suddenly, they just walk away slowly from me, I asked them where are they going but all I heard was the silent background & so I followed slowly from behind. Then we came into a room & in that room was a big pile of mess with a big window at the side. I slowly let my head out of the window & take a look of the surroundings. All I could see was the sea & a big cliff. Shockingly, we're so high on top. I looked at my beloved ones, then suddenly a friend of mine, the one who I know for 3 months took a few steps forward & stood at the window. I don't know why didn't I do anything about it but just watched, he looked back at me & just smile, then he jumped out of the window.

I quickly ran to the window & take a look, I screamed as his head was about to hit that hard rooftop but then, he just fall away from that rooftop, I was shocked with this face of mine full of tears. My heart was still thumping loudly, did he just repelled from that rooftop? Then my beloved brother & his boyfriend hold hands while they stood there at the window, then after a few seconds of them looking at each others' eyes, they faced down & jumped. Last but not least, my 9 years close friend, jumped out of the window as well. I feel like my heart is going to stop with my knees shivering so badly. Then someone pushed me out the window & I fall right into the sea. I quickly swam up & finally my head was out. I looked at them, I was in panic. A few seconds later, I blacked out.

Opened my eyes, everything was so blur. Blinked my eyes a few times & I was with my beloved brother again & his boyfriend, but the other two weren't here with us, then again, someone else is here with us, it's the guy that I still can't forget about, & take a step forward to moving on. I was shocked, speechless & my heart suddenly felt so glad to finally see him. Can't believe still that he's here with us. I feel like I'm in a dream, is this even real? I wondered but then I didn't think about it too much. So we were walking, I don't know where were we going but all I know was that we're walking. Brother & him kept teasing me, I got so irritated that I just pushed them away & quickly walk away.

He quickly ran to me & pulled my hand. I looked at him with heart rage in fire. He just looked into my eyes, he smiled, then he teased me again. I pushed him away & walk off. Then I saw a train at full speed as I walk away & its going to his direction. I slowly turned back, tears were dripping, my knees were shaking, my heart nearly stopped pounding. I almost fall on my knees but then, my brother quickly grabbed hold of me. I can clearly see the body been badly damaged. I screamed in pain, I can't believe that he's gone. I regret for walking away, I blamed myself for being too sensitive. I didn't even get to spend time with him in a proper way.

I swear to myself that I'm going to regret this, the guilty feeling is going to be tattooed right in my heart til the day I closed this eyes of mine. I feel like ending my life, my care for myself & everyone whom I loved is all shattered. The feeling of not having a good future is so strong. Then night came, my aunt suddenly appeared. Then I saw my daddy sitting on a bench beside a very very fat man who is lying down, sleeping soundly. I looked at my daddy & tears rised again. Then everyone hugged me tight, I looked at the body & cried.

Woke up & my face was full with tears. Then I sat down, my mind kept playing the part where he got hit by the train & where I see the body been badly damaged. I can never forget the body, it has been captured in mind. Tears went dripping, I text him to know whether he is still breathing now, safe & sound. He replied a few hours later, I was relieved. I checked my brother's tumblr, to see if he has update it yet. I checked nearly almost every single soul whom I am really closed with. They're all fine, still breathing, still busy with their own life.

I asked to myself, " What is this? " And suddenly a sentence appeared in mind a few minutes later, " A lesson not to leave your loved ones for a very long time, but instead treasure them with all your heart, spend every single minute you have for them cause you might never know when will they leave this cruel world. " Kept thinking about it, the sentence is still in my mind. I want to meet them again but I'm just too afraid, the embarrassing feeling is still there in my heart. I'm not over it, I'm so pressurized. It's been more than a week & it has been a sleepless night for me. Oh God, I know I've done a lot of sins but please, I beg of you, let my future & the souls whom I loved be a bright one, no tears, no pain, but just happiness. Please fulfill this wish, just this once cause I can't bear to see myself or the rest to take another step to a whole lot of pain.

Labels: Dreams

Heyy my dear! I wanna ask, what type of guy you'll like to have in your life? (:

This kind of question have been appearing again & again. :/

I want a guy to touch my heart, sincerely.
I want a guy to ask me face-to-face if I want to take a step forward from dating/friends to a r/s
I want a guy to promise that as long as we're together & as long as the love is still there, I want him to be faithful & honest.
I want a guy to make me feel warm & secured while his arms is wrapped around my skinny body.
I want a guy to give me forehead kisses [ fav. kiss ]
I want a guy to bring me to the beach & watch the sunset together til the night came & the moon with the stars appearing all around the night sky & I want a guy to look into my eyes & tell me that his biggest fear now is losing me, " I love you. "

If I don't get this kind of soul, it's alright. This is just something I've been wishing, that's all. :)

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Misunderstood.

Just a little misunderstood can caused a string to tangle

This few days were sleepless nights for me with a restless mind & an aching heart with hand grasped tight, controlling it not to punch any plain hard walls. A few minutes have passed & it strike 7 o'clock in the morning & out of the blue, the wind started blowing hard, then thunders clapped & raindrops started falling from the sky. I closed my eyes & feel the hard wind blowing like I'm in a room where there's a gigantic fan on top of the ceiling spinning hard. Flashbacks started playing in my mind so I started plugging in my earpiece & played a song on repeat mode.

The feeling of missing someone appeared in that fragile heart of yours really hurt a lot with the mind playing the beautiful moments we had when we're together. It caused insomniac, depression, stress & negative thoughts will come running into your mind til self-mutilation will occurred. Every second when he is in your mind, thinking whether he is alright without you around, whether he is smiling instead of tearing. It is so hard for me to breathe when everything is all tangled up in my mind. The misunderstood he had, the words that he had inserted in my mouth & the self-mutilation that he did whenever he's thinking too much.

It'll be my very last post for you, if you still don't understand what I'm trying to say here, I have no more words to say left. I'm tired of explaining, I'm tired of shedding tears while typing this & apparently I'm tired of everything here in my life. I've never expect anything from anyone of my friends, not even my relatives & especially not even you. I still remembered the words that I gave you, a promise. A promise not to leave you til the day I close this eyes of mine. I'm not leaving you this time, but just having some alone time for myself. Like I said, If I do leave you, I'll tell you. I know you'll asked me why did I ran in the first place not just stop & turn back instead. It is because, I got too stress & embarrassed. That is why I runaway, to have some alone time. To feel ease with no one around.

I'm not troubling anyone, I didn't expect anyone to be there for me, did I? That is why I'm alone now, handling shits around me. I didn't expect you to be there for me every second. When I'm in tears, when I'm hurt at home, I didn't come running after you. In fact, a few problems still I've not mentioned to anyone & even if I did, I won't come running back to anyone when it still have not been solved. I'm saying this in a very heart of matter. I don't mind you being the bitchy self but everyone have their own limits & surely you have went over the limit. I'm not expecting anything & I didn't even mention that word, I just want to have my alone time & I'll come back when I'm ready cause I'm still not yet over with what happened. Say whatever you want to say, I'm done here. Thank you for reading & goodbye.

Labels: Misunderstood

100th Post: Dear you.

Dear you,

I'll just make everything clear so that there won't be any misunderstanding. I am giving myself time for my own, I want to mend things right. I'm disappointed about what happened. I'm still embarrassed so I'm just giving myself time to get over it. So where is the part did I say that I'm leaving your life? I didn't even say I wanted to until after you shoot out all those painful words on Facebook & Formspring. Since you put it that way that I'm "leaving" your life. Then I am doing it now, by deactivating my Facebook, deleting Twitter. Just because I runaway from you, doesn't mean I am leaving you. I'm just so stress up over what have happened.

I just need time for myself. I just need to get over things. You do not need to be sorry cause like I said, everything is done. It's over, I've already forgiven you the minute the shit was done. I know things happened in the club. You do not need to explain. I know you had your shits in there but that doesn't mean you need to embarrass me in front of everyone, do you? It's like you're the cherry on top of after R have threw his tantrum towards me in front of everyone. I'm not being sensitive or so emotional but just put yourself in my shoe, these 2 incidents happened to you & everyone's watching, but whatever it is, if you don't feel the embarrassment, fine. I know you have that "no face" attitude but I'm different.

And I didn't say, leaving was easy cause in the first place, I didn't even say that I'm leaving you cause this time, I just want to be alone at home. Who says leaving someone's life whom you love most was easy? In fact, the first time I left you was hard alright. It took me days for me to bear with it but in the end, I came back. Now this is not another leaving someone's life drama. This is wanting some time to be alone, my personal space. I'm just disappointed with you. Told you not to embarrass me a couple of times but in the end, you've crossed the line. But it's alright, I understand. And not to worry, since you think I'm leaving you so much, I'll just go with the flow. I know you'll be fine, I ain't a true brother after all just like your true friends huh? Have a great day ahead, I'll always pray for your safety.

Yours sincerely,
Zairul

A true soul, will understand you, won't leave you unreasonably, will comfort you when you're down, will always be there for you through thick & thin & will do anything just to make you smile. S/He'll let you know the ugly truth than be covered in the dark with those beautiful lies. S/He rather let you cry for hearing the truth than smile for some lies & later on, let you fall on your knees after everything was revealed.

A true soul, will always come back after a big mess s/he had with you. Wipe off your heartbreaking tears when you're in pain, telling you everything is going to be okay when s/he's around & hug you tight, making you feel all better. S/He'll stand up for you when you're not in the wrong & scold you if whatever you did isn't right for your life or anyone. Giving you the care & support that you need, a listening ear when you got a problem in mind & try to help things out if s/he could. If s/he didn't do anyone of this, then s/he is just a shadow that walks behind you & fades away later on.

Labels: Dear

Alone.

I cry alone with no shoulder to lie on, I get back up alone when I fall on my knees, I settle my problems alone when they strike me, I walk alone through this empty life & that shows how strong I am, as a single soul

I'm all alone now. Nobody is around me anymore. Life of mine is like a ghost town. Moving on alone, no one to support me, no one to be there for me always. Everything is all up to myself. If I fall on my knees, I need to get back up on my own. If I cry for love, I need to find a solution, by distracting myself from it. I got to be strong no matter what happens. Don't want to be a burden to anyone from now on. Though the feeling of loneliness will tend to ache this heart of mine, I will still bear with it no matter what. Still holding on to this cold tears while I type out what I want to say. Pretending that everything's alright when everything is ruined. Putting up a smile on my face when my eyes is holding on a thousand tears. Trying to build up hopes that it'll be brighter in the future when darkness have already conquered my life.

Nothing's right anymore, everything's all wrong. It just made me took a few moments to stare at the plain mirror, thinking of the ones who were there for me always & there it goes, one by one they fade away. That's where my heart feel so cold without them, so empty. I'm just too emotional. I feel for others, I'm so weak. So I should just be alone, bear with all the pain, face all my problems & dump it away once I'm done. I want to be strong. I'm doing my best. Why must I owned a heart so emotional, so beautiful yet so weak? Why should I care for others, helped them with their problems, when none helped with mine? I may be a fool but all I know is that I live only once. I'm not like a cat on the street who owned 9 lives. I want to let the ones I love, shine & let them have a smile drawn on their faces before I closed this eyes of mine.

I'll pray to God if I could, though I'm just a soul who doesn't believe in any religion, only him. I'll try to be back on track to be a Muslim. Not now, not sooner, but maybe when I feel it in my heart, the sincerity of being proud being a Muslim. I'll instead, just close my eyes every night with both hands clasped tight, letting my soft lips leaned against em' & pray to God hoping that everything is going to be brighter in the future & may the souls whom I left for now be safe as they go through their journey in life.

Labels: Alone

Runaway.

I runaway from everything with tears falling from the eyes while the heart shatters to tiny pieces, & I let myself into the darkness, sitting all alone thinking why must all of this hit me in just so little time

It was my night, where all I can do was just dance & put aside all the problems that I have. Lights were shining all around, smokes everywhere & the club got everyone bouncing. Good-looking guys were around me, dancing & smiling. My heart skipped a beat when a few of my eye-candies were dancing right in front of me. I just look at my friend with a smile while I dance, try not to make it obvious so I just look at him all the way while we dance to the music. Then the last song was done, everyone cheered & they want one more song, so the DJ played one last one & the club have gone wild. I dance with my brother like its just only me & him, we got up close & slowly our lips touched with our tongues wrapped around. Love it when we're doing incest bromance. When the last music was done, we got out of club.

Stood outside with one of my friend, waiting for the rest. Then my brother suddenly approached one of my eye-candies & told him that I like him. My jaw totally dropped after what I heard, & my brother could even tell him that I would want to get to know him. My mind got blank, I ran out of words & then his friends laughed, & they just walk off. It got me thinking what would they say, what would he say especially. I don't know where to hide this cracked face. Then R suddenly asked me in rage on where his boyfriend went. I got shocked, then he asked me again but this time, even louder & vulgarities were inserted. Just replied him & he told me to call him. I could see it in his eyes that he was really mad. Called my close friend since I know that his boyfriend have switched off his phone, & yes, his boyfriend was there with him. Hung up & told him that his boyfriend is with RP, I was embarrassed cause he just threw his tantrum on me in public & everyone was looking.

My heart cracked into two on what have happened just now, so I walk briskly to Maxwell Center, found them both sitting while talking to each other. Asked him where did he go cause R have just gone mad, he was shocked & he told me that he just want to accompany RP. I sat down & let out a big sigh. My eyes were reddened, I told M what happened while he cooled me down, tears were rising & I couldn't take it anymore so I just took the stuffs that I needed most in my brother's bag & just walk off. M hold my arm, ordering me to stop but I just pushed his hand away & went off. Tears were rising, the two incident kept playing back in my mind. How people looked at me, how they laughed. How embarrassed when all those things occurred.

Then suddenly, I heard someone called my name & it was my brother. I quickly runaway while tears went spilling from the eyes, then I stop for awhile, panting. Looked back & he wasn't there. I wipe my tears away, but still more came running down my cheeks. Looked down while walking alone through the empty town. Plugged in my earpiece & played a song. My mind can't stop giving that embarrassing flashback. All I could do was just shooked my head & give a sigh. Took out my phone & wanted to check the time, then when I wanted to place my phone in my pocket, it slipped off from my hand. Can things go any worse? Light up my one last cigarette. Then it burnt my thumb, damn it hurts. The worst night? Yes. Reached to Raffles City & I sat at Starbucks.

Went to the MRT Station after I browse on the internet on my phone, waiting for it to be opened. Took the first train & went off to D's crib. Reached his place, he opened the door & I went in. Sat down on the sofa, he asked me sarcastically whether the club was fun while he was using his computer & I just replied a straight answer, no. He scolded me cause I didn't even listen to his advice. Tears came running down, I just cry in silence. He came to me & sat down beside me on the sofa. Never even face him at all. He wanted to hug me but I just slowly move myself away from him. We had a long talk & I had a very long crying time. He then hugged me in the end while I let my head lie on his chest, but what I couldn't accept most is this sentence he just gave me,"Who would want to love a dying man like me?" And my heart just replied,"Me." But then, he himself answered,"No one." And that's where I cried even more.

It is really heartbreaking when he didn't notice that I still love him or was he just pretending not to notice? I'm just out of words. Nothing is on it's original place now. I just want to be alone for now, I'm not leaving anybody but I'm just cooling down. I know I'm being too sensitive but try to put yourself in my shoe. Those embarrassing moments, seriously in front of the gayboys? In this gay world, those boys will just spread around on what happen. It is quite a drama. We're worst than girls. But then, I read someone's wall. About "disappearing acts"? You just say whatever you want to say. I just come & go? Fine. For you, this time I'll definitely go & will not come back as you wish. But not to worry, I won't be one bitch & bitch about you. I mean come on, have I back stabbed you? I know not. Never would I gossip with someone on the person whom I love. I'm not up to that level. When I love someone a lot, I would only want to make him/her smile, not drown to tears. I'm kind of disappointed that you might think that I'll bitch about you?

Whatever it is, now you don't need to waste your care towards me. A good thing isn't it? Thought that I just want to cool down for awhile. But then with that status? Fine, I'll just make my move. May your days be good without me from now on. I know this time, no one would give a damn. I'm okay, I'll just pray for the safety of you all. I'll take care of myself, cry alone without a shoulder, get back up on my own if I ever happened to fell on my knees & just settle everything alone. Me, myself & I walking through this path alone, in this empty life... In this cruel world.

And dear brother, I have long forgiven you & everyone after what happened so no need to be sorry. Just take care of yourself.

Labels: run

The Beauty Of Nature.

And the beauty of nature helps soothe my heart when it has been conquered by the negative emotions

Mind is filled with negative thoughts. Heart is cracking bit by bit while he's in my mind. Closed my eyes, trying to cool down by breathing slowly, focusing on what is happening around me, trying to forget about what's in my mind & heart but instead just listening to the surroundings. The pitter-patter of the rain drops, the sounds of stray cats meowing, & the touch of the wind blowing through my neck. It all then let out a smile on my face, slowly with the negative thoughts & emotions fading away.

All with the helped from the beauty of nature, my heart is all mended. Feel so calmed with the stars tonight are brighter than ever, with the wind blowing so hard. Oh what a cold night. I closed my eyes again, while I imagined a soul right behind me, letting his breath touched my delicate neck, wrapping his arms around my skinny body while letting his tongue slither around my ear. My apologies if I'm being too carried away, guess my heart misses the taste of romance, how passionate I'll go if I were to be in a room on a soft bed with a good-looking man.

It all felt so good when your heart can feel the love that you're making with him while going through the clawing of the bed sheets, the licking from the chest right to the hot spot, the sucking, the biting on his lower lips with his soft hair being pulled when he let his finger slowly linger around your arousing spot & finally when you both have reached to that satisfaction, you will just cuddle up together on the soft bed, pulling up the blanket sheet with him stroking your hair while you let out a purr.

It really is satisfying when it comes to romance on the bed especially when you get to feel that beautiful feeling, the love he have given instead of nothing. How passionate we'll go on the cold night. But all this will just be kept in mind, so long have I not been in a relationship with another soul. So hard, but still moving on, searching to find the right one as time runs by. I'm just hoping, that the next one will not use me but instead, love me & be faithful through thick & thin, til the love lasted.

Labels: Nature

zairul is my name &
karma is my game.

His Quote:

what goes around with me comes around you.

Sweetest Ecstasy

♦ Dudy Monteiro.
♦ Dudy's Tumblr.
♦ Hafiz Pendek.
♦ Subhi Illiyyin.
♦ Syakirchner Elise.
♦ Hedi Kikomori.
♥ Jaselin Gemok.
♥ Frah Anne.
♥ Maia Panda.
♥ Yidah Twinny.
♥ Farna Bimbo.
♥ Uffie Aosyki.
♥ Echa Boncet.
♦ Syairul Adams.
♦ Fyzzstro.

Individuals

Amelina.
Azmy.
Belle.
Din.
Echa.
Eicha.
Eydah.
Faizahh.
Fie.
Fir.
Irzan.
Ita.
Jaja.
Mei Ting.
Naim.
Natasha.
Nini.
Nisa.
Pearl.
Qayyum.
Rush.
Shah.
Shasha.
Shaq.
Sheeqeen.
Teko.
Yourlanda.
Yusry.
Zaidi.

May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012

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