Karma is my game

What do you mean "Karma is my game"

Well.. Let's just say that I can play it on others whenever I want. (:

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Love.

The presence you'll always feel for this beautiful-so-unique feeling, where your heart can only know that it's from that only one soul, & that is, the beauty of love full with sharp bleeding thorns all around

Let the warm shower run. Then sat on the toilet bowl, while cigarette's running with mind contemplating so deep inside. Stared at the empty space & tears started rising. Finished up my cigarette & I stepped into the shower. Had a long one & I dried myself up with my soft towel after showering. Covered up half of my lower body with my towel & I stared myself at the mirror.

" Whatever have I done to deserve this from him? ", I asked myself, with my heart so cold. So I stepped out of the toilet & got in the living room. Wore my army shorts, then lie on my bed, covering myself with my blanket full with soft fur. Plugged in my Ipod with the speakers, & played a song so blue, then lowered down the volume just a little. The scene I'm in got my heart caged in the dark, I don't feel like if there's anything that can enlighten my heavy heart now. Heard the sound of loud thunder clapped.

The loneliness, the pain, & all the negative emotions started to conquer the environment around me. I feel like I'm in a place so deserted, where it's just the loneliness I had to accompany me. I asked myself, " Why must I give my damn & fuck to others when I barely gave em' to myself? ". I'm so tired of everything, I'm tired of life, the nags I get from my relatives, the bullshit words & the pain I've received from a number of my loved ones when I gave em' almost everything.

My legs are all so weak that I can just dropped down on my knees any moment now, covering my face with my hands while letting these tears run down my cheeks full with scars. He never realized that I did my very best to make him smile, to lessen his pain, to let him feel less troubled but all I get from him in the end, is nothing but one big pile of dung. Nothing is ever right for him, nothing. Whatever good I've done for him are all unnoticeable, except for the flaws that I tend to let out to him. Is it that hard to accept my flaws when I've long accepted his? I've loved him with all my life. None can ever replaced him. I'm through with all the common pain but if he's giving me all the heavy ones, I won't even know what's the definition of happiness anymore. I'll let him live his life while I live on mine cause I know that it's no point being there for someone whom I feel like I'm a nobody in his. I'll just let him be the non-existent in this world.

My life is nothing but full of never ending misery. More shits are appearing in my life after I cleared at least a numbered of em'. How can I ever coped up with this? That's not all, not trying to be boastful & all, but, guys are starting to build up hopes on me. I don't need Love for now as I have many shits in life to settle, I just can't bear with another one on top. It's so hard to even tell these guys not to build up their hopes on me cause I know there's a huge chance that they'll feel stabbed right in the heart.

It's always when I need someone special in my life, a number or just none will approached me, but when I don't want all these lovey dovey to come right through my doorstep, they'll start rushing. So tell me, is this a test from God? Well, either way, I just got to find the solution before things will turned into a nightmare. Let's have a positive mind for awhile, shall we?

I've been longing for warm cute cuddles after the process of making love is done. I've been longing for the beauty & that unique feeling of Love with sharp bleeding thorns all around to touch my cold, lonely heart. I want to look into his mesmerizing eyes, & tell him how much I love him, then hear him saying those three words back, letting me feel the sincerity from him while he said it. I want to go through the love with him, through thick & thin. I want to know what's the feeling of that one love again . Maybe, this is an opportunity for me to have my own love story, no? Call me corny for inserting " the love story ", but who gives a fuck? Well, I don't. And I don't mean it in a fairytale way cause everyone knows it's nothing but a non-existent to this world.

But one thing for sure.. It's hard to put my trust on guys again after my heart had gone through all the pain, the cracks, the feeling of getting torn apart, but still, working well in the end. I'm just afraid for I've not step into one relationship for more than 2 years. I just hope that if ever, one of them capture my heart, he'll love me much more than how much I'll love him. Cause if ever this time, my heart will go through the same old page again, I am never going to be in one relationship with a man, ever.

Labels: love

What do you like to do on rainy days?

If I have a lover, I'd definitely spend my time to set up candles all around the room, with sweet fragrance of rose petals everywhere, music so soothing & not to forget, leave a trail of petal roses from the house door, all the way to our room, then wait for him to come home with me on the bed, wearing a robe, but inside, I'm wearing nothing. ;)

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Goodbye November, Hello December.

So I gave myself a goodbye to November who gave me smiles though little pains & a few tear drops were involve, now a very good hello to December, so I hope it'll make my life go sweeter then

Life has been a lot better after getting myself a new job. Thanks to my dear friend who we've been looking out for each other. But, most of all, he's the one who have helped me a whole lot, what a true friend he is, Raihan Rocknova. May God blessed you lots of joy, happiness & a whole lot of love. And, may your relationship last forever with that cute lover of yours.

November has given me a lot of smile, though little tears did I shed a few times, but it doesn't affect how happiness conquered my life on that month. Now December's here, so I wished there will be sweet happenings to my cold, lonely [ Well, I don't feel that lonely, just giving that drama effect ] & sour life. I felt like it's always on December where the honeymoon period starts, where puppy love begins, or/& where a heterosexual couple or/& a homosexual couple says, " I do. " on their wedding day. I realized it'll always fall on December. So I hope this month, it'll be my luck, so if it isn't, then it won't be a disappointment to me at all cause I don't hope on this, pretty much.

Enough about sweet beautiful love. Now, see that picture on top? Yes, I feel like as if, my life's a lighted candle, which has been covered up by the cold darkness. A fact that, I'll always be alone, & no one in my life even my loved ones, are ever going to be there for me. That made me realized, the swears that my family members who pushed hatred on me due to who I am now, & that is, being homosexual. They swear that no one's going to be there for me, my friends, my loved ones, whoever. I find it pretty much, illogical, just because I'm homosexual? I mean, there are a few dark histories behind it all.

So I didn't spilled the beans to some of them, only my mother & my step-father [ which I find pretty much pointless cause not a single word or expression was given from them ], it was all from the broken past. The scars, it's still deep. My mind can still read up all the details, the expressions from their faces, their feeling of pleasure & satisfaction while this fragile heart of mine can still feel that deep pain & suffering I get in return. Yes, it gives me thoughts of killing myself but no, I must stay for I can't bear to leave my one & only sweet, annoying yet beautiful brother where God has given me a gift for me to take care of, & that is none other than, Dudy.

A growing boy, full of flaws, learning through mistakes he has done. Trying to do his best from getting a failure, but as I observe, he tends to give up easily but I believed in him that, he'll still continue even though he had failed on whatever obstacles he had gone through. His ego & selfishness doesn't bother me much, so does the disappointments he had given me at times, even letting my heart went through a raging fire, & letting these eyes of mine to run through tears as much as a river, but just as long as I can feel his presence around me, a smile will be drawn right on my face & my cold heart, will turned warm again. He's like my only " favorite gift " ~~so far~~.

You know, I've tried many ways to make him smile, sincerely the very least. But, I don't feel like, I've done my part yet. As for him, yes, he has done it. By being here with me, accepting my flaws, I'm all so.. happy. I don't feel like, I'm.. good enough. Well, whatever it is, I'll still continue doing my best. I love him more than my life & I hope God won't ever tear us apart.

So my point is, I don't give any concern to those swears I get from those haters. Even if their swearing hit me hard, not just by words, but actions. At least, I have what I needed. Loved ones, around me, a brother for me to look for when I'm down. I know that none will ever be there for me [ Or am I being in that emotional crisis again? ]. But just as long as, they won't step away from my life, I'm fine with whatever I've got. I'm used to be there for the ones that I loved, I'm used to getting hurt at the same time, smile as I've made my loved ones, smile. I was born getting all those miseries, since young & I'm fine with it all.

I'm just thankful for whatever God has given me. So I hope, my little candle, will light a lot more brighter, slowly, in the future, letting all those darkness, fade away. Giving my heart warmth, happiness, joy, without anyone by my side. Even if there is, I'll be much more please, with tears of joy involved.

I love my life now, it's not perfect or so called, " more than enough " yet but it's enough, so please, let it stay this way. Be better if you could, but don't ever let it shatter to pieces.

Labels: Happiness

zairul is my name &
karma is my game.

His Quote:

what goes around with me comes around you.

Sweetest Ecstasy

♦ Dudy Monteiro.
♦ Dudy's Tumblr.
♦ Hafiz Pendek.
♦ Subhi Illiyyin.
♦ Syakirchner Elise.
♦ Hedi Kikomori.
♥ Jaselin Gemok.
♥ Frah Anne.
♥ Maia Panda.
♥ Yidah Twinny.
♥ Farna Bimbo.
♥ Uffie Aosyki.
♥ Echa Boncet.
♦ Syairul Adams.
♦ Fyzzstro.

Individuals

Amelina.
Azmy.
Belle.
Din.
Echa.
Eicha.
Eydah.
Faizahh.
Fie.
Fir.
Irzan.
Ita.
Jaja.
Mei Ting.
Naim.
Natasha.
Nini.
Nisa.
Pearl.
Qayyum.
Rush.
Shah.
Shasha.
Shaq.
Sheeqeen.
Teko.
Yourlanda.
Yusry.
Zaidi.

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