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Monday, December 12, 2011
Love.
The presence you'll always feel for this beautiful-so-unique feeling, where your heart can only know that it's from that only one soul, & that is, the beauty of love full with sharp bleeding thorns all around
Let the warm shower run. Then sat on the toilet bowl, while cigarette's running with mind contemplating so deep inside. Stared at the empty space & tears started rising. Finished up my cigarette & I stepped into the shower. Had a long one & I dried myself up with my soft towel after showering. Covered up half of my lower body with my towel & I stared myself at the mirror.
" Whatever have I done to deserve this from him? ", I asked myself, with my heart so cold. So I stepped out of the toilet & got in the living room. Wore my army shorts, then lie on my bed, covering myself with my blanket full with soft fur. Plugged in my Ipod with the speakers, & played a song so blue, then lowered down the volume just a little. The scene I'm in got my heart caged in the dark, I don't feel like if there's anything that can enlighten my heavy heart now. Heard the sound of loud thunder clapped.
My legs are all so weak that I can just dropped down on my knees any moment now, covering my face with my hands while letting these tears run down my cheeks full with scars. He never realized that I did my very best to make him smile, to lessen his pain, to let him feel less troubled but all I get from him in the end, is nothing but one big pile of dung. Nothing is ever right for him, nothing. Whatever good I've done for him are all unnoticeable, except for the flaws that I tend to let out to him. Is it that hard to accept my flaws when I've long accepted his? I've loved him with all my life. None can ever replaced him. I'm through with all the common pain but if he's giving me all the heavy ones, I won't even know what's the definition of happiness anymore. I'll let him live his life while I live on mine cause I know that it's no point being there for someone whom I feel like I'm a nobody in his. I'll just let him be the non-existent in this world.
My life is nothing but full of never ending misery. More shits are appearing in my life after I cleared at least a numbered of em'. How can I ever coped up with this? That's not all, not trying to be boastful & all, but, guys are starting to build up hopes on me. I don't need Love for now as I have many shits in life to settle, I just can't bear with another one on top. It's so hard to even tell these guys not to build up their hopes on me cause I know there's a huge chance that they'll feel stabbed right in the heart.
It's always when I need someone special in my life, a number or just none will approached me, but when I don't want all these lovey dovey to come right through my doorstep, they'll start rushing. So tell me, is this a test from God? Well, either way, I just got to find the solution before things will turned into a nightmare. Let's have a positive mind for awhile, shall we?
But one thing for sure.. It's hard to put my trust on guys again after my heart had gone through all the pain, the cracks, the feeling of getting torn apart, but still, working well in the end. I'm just afraid for I've not step into one relationship for more than 2 years. I just hope that if ever, one of them capture my heart, he'll love me much more than how much I'll love him. Cause if ever this time, my heart will go through the same old page again, I am never going to be in one relationship with a man, ever. Labels: love Tuesday, December 21, 2010 My Forever After.  I want you to be my forever after, just you & me side by side til the day I have to go Through the cold night where the stars swirl around me, trying to make me feel secured. Tears ran down my cheek while I am being protected by the stars. I couldn't touch the most beautiful & most unique feeling with pain & thorns mixed together, & that is Love. I want to feel Love again. I want to get hurt while going through it, cry cause of the pain I'll get from it but I couldn't. I can't Love. My heart got sick & tired of it but I can't take it being left alone in life. My hands are free, I want it to be hold forever, feeling secured with arms around me & feel the breath near my neck. I want to close my eyes & fall from the highest mountain & finally fall right into his arms. I want to look into his eyes, deeply & see those sparkles shining in his eyes. I want to feel that love showering on my lonely heart. Let it shine, igniting the love together with him. I want him to be My Forever After. But all of this caused patience this lovely fantasy that I have kept in my mind. Now as I wait, I feel like I'm on the highest mountain, getting ready to hear this 5 words below the mountain, I'm ready to love you & I'll just fall letting him catch me. Oh what a beautiful fantasy that my mind have written. Fantasies aren't meant to be in reality & that I know, but wouldn't it be something if it were to step in the reality world? I shouldn't be living in my fantasy world & start thinking of the reality world where it's cold, letting you feel so insecure like you're the only soul who lives in this world. I'll wait til my heart is ready to touch Love again. As for now, I'll just move on in life alone, taking step by step through all this pain that have caused in my heart. But I know that there are beautiful souls around me who are like shining stars spreading through the night sky, & that is my sweetest friends. They are there for me when I'm down & whenever I'm in need of them, they'll sacrifice some bits of their time by listening & consoling me whenever I'm in pain, letting all this cold tears run down & splashes to the ground. I feel so blessed that I have friends who step into my life & lift me up when I fall. Even though they couldn't be there for me always, I know that I need to do it alone, by getting up with my own two feet every time I fall on my knees. Dear Dudy, I just want to say that I feel so relieved that finally I have found you. All this while I've been searching for a soul of the same sex to have a bonding together with me & be so close, & that soul is you. Get to share all the pain that we've get in love, get to console you when you're in tears, get forehead kisses from you when I'm down, get rubbed on the head with tight hugs from you every time, get to give you forehead kisses with tight hugs too & get goodbye kisses on the lips before we go every time [ lesbian much? ]. You're like a brother to me, it makes this tears from my eyes run down to my cheek, tears of joy. Wishing for this & finally it came true. Even though the ones that I wished for badly didn't came to me, at least I got you. I'll always be there for you when you're down, want to wipe those cold tears away from your cheeks & just see that smile drawn on your face after you've set all those negative emotions away. I wouldn't want to leave you & I hope you won't leave me too. Let's cry together when we're in pain due to Love, let's use penknives & cut our wrists so deep til it bleed so badly, & let's smile together after setting all those emotions free from our cold heart. Smile always Dudy cause I will always want to see you smile til the day I have to go & I know someday your beautiful heart will shine while getting poured by the most amazing feeling created by God, & that is Love. Love you always. xxxx Your Little Brother, Zairul. P.S: Your song that you've send me was being played repeatedly while I typed all this, feel so glad that I can focus while listening to your beautiful voice. This is the first time I can focus while a song is being played & that is just by listening to your sweet voice. Labels: love Tuesday, December 14, 2010 I'll let my heart touch love when I think it's ready again.  Love, it is so unique plus beautiful with a whole lot pain & tears mixed together that I won't let my heart touch it for now til I know I'm ready to let it touch it again Standing all alone in a room with the mirror in front of me, staring at my own reflection for a few minutes & suddenly, the answer appeared in my mind & that is, tired. Tired of everything that have gone through me, tired of living in sins, tired of feeling pain, tired of running tears, tired of mending a broken heart, tired of meeting new souls, tired of being in love & I'm tired of breathing. Every step I take to move on for the next day, something bad will happen til I get hurt so deep before I can even move on. It really hurts a lot. It's like my life cycle. I'll smile & laugh with friends, with love ones then the next thing will be tears & pain that I'll receive later on, then it will repeat again from the start & maybe the pain I'll receive will be worse til I can even fall on my knees all alone, covering my face while I let the tears run. I don't know how much longer can I bear living with pain. 9 years suffering, so how can I move on another year when I can't even bear facing the pain for a day. I just got to sit down at the beach again where I can learn how to relax myself by the taught of nature then I could stand up with my own two feet & face all the pain again. I just got to empty my mind & set my negative emotions free cause no point letting them being caged in my heart when it's going to hurt me more. I just wish for happiness in life, that is all I need, nothing more. Labels: love Wednesday, September 22, 2010 Love.  I won't leave you alone in a dark room but instead I'll be there hugging you tightly protecting you from the darkness, making you feel so secure Heard the little patter on the window? Yes, the black clouds are pouring rain. Sitting down on my mattress while letting my brain work trying to figure out what to blog & my mind was a total blank. So I decided to post a status in my facebook profile telling my friends to ask me any questions related to anything but I would love to especially hear questions about love cause love is always a favourite topic in my list & here are the very few people who asked me a few questions about love & my personal life: What is Love? - Indaa Feneh Well Indaa, there are many meanings behind the word Love & one of them is to have a strong positive emotion of regard & affection towards someone. What's the most saddest, happiest & precious thing that had happened in your life? - Fie The most saddest thing that is to happened is that I have a never ending misery in my cold life & til now I'm still suffering from this pain but I can still manage from it. Happiest? Well, so far there's nothing that have ever make me smile sincerely yet cause even though people out there have seen me smile, they do not know that my heart is still crying from the pain that I'm still facing from then til now. Precious thing? My precious things are living humans like my grandmother, my aunts, my sweetest clans which is my best friends & my gay clans & of course, my future lover. Why are you in love with a guy instead of a girl? What happen & what is so fun having a guy to guy relationship? - Ita Well, that is a good question. Let me tell you some parts of my past life. In my childhood days, I wasn't like any of you, having fun with friends & not having a miserable childhood but instead I didn't have any friends at all & yes, my childhood days were quite miserable. I got an older brother who's age is around 16 then, but my biological mother isn't his biological mother but instead, my mother is her step-mother. That means he wasn't born through my mother's tummy but instead, on someone elses. My dad got married with another lady before my mother, they both divorce & he then remarried with my mother. So as I was saying, my brother was staying at our house & things were fine til he molested me a few times & it was such chaos. He forced me to do oral sex with him & it was a no choice for me so I have to do it. The next one was I moved in at my aunt's crib cause my aunt wanted to take care of me so badly so it was none of a choice for my mother that she had to let her take care of me. Thought things were fine then, til I met my older cousin's friend & he too molested me a few times & the worse part is that my brother wanted to stay there just to have fun with me. So I was a pure gay then til I met a few girls a few years later so I started to have feelings for them & I'm not a pure gay anymore but instead I'm a bisexual. So not to worry cause I have feelings for girls too & I have 5 ex girlfriends for your info. And the purpose of me having a boy to boy relationship is not because of fun as you label it but instead because of some reasons I chose to stick to boy now. To be frank with you, it's quite hurting too to be in a relationship with a boy so your question will be answered on the next question. What happen when we pretend to fall out love because we wanted to show him/her we're strong enough to face a break up when we're actually still in love? - Nisa A flashback came into my mind after reading your question & it was an unexpected flashback cause the flashback was about us when we were in a relationship. I don't know whether you wanted to break up with me because you wanted to show that you girls are strong enough to face one break up cause if it was for me, that will be the most cruel thing you can ever done to me as I really gave all my love & care for you but in the end you gave me this, that shows that you really weren't in love but instead you're just trying to test yourself, in another word, used me instead. What for must you prove to boys that you're strong enough to face one break up when this shows that you really aren't. Sorry to say this but doing all this is the baddest thing you could have ever done cause you really do not know how I've gone through. I really was in love with you deeply & I really did stick to only you but when you said you wanted to end this, my heart really shattered to pieces & I got really depress til I hurt myself plenty of times. It took me almost a month to get over you & it was unbearable. Do you know how hard it is to go through this heartbreaking process? My mind got so stress up because of the breaking up that I started to fall for guys instead. When I was with you, I really did turn to straight & I wanted to introduce you to my parents cause I've been telling them about you, that you're th perfect one but everything turn out unexpectedly & my parents ask when am I gonna introduce you to them. I was speechless & after that I didn't want to be in a relationship with girls then. The new feeling that I had after what had happened between us got me curious to want to explore about the gay world more so I did & now I can never turn back til another girl that can make me fall for her came into my life & that will be quite rare to find. It's not only me that have become like this, a few of my friends turned to gays/bisexual because of this kind of relationship they get from girls. So let me tell you this, before you do anything unnecassary in a relationship, think hard before you do it cause you might never know if it'll effect someone's life. If you really didn't left me for proving to boys that girls are strong enough, still it was unnecassary for you to end it that way cause I really did my part & you didn't realized that but thanks anyway, I really enjoyed having sweet moments together with you & our sweet moments are still kept locked in my fragile heart. Hope you'll have a wonderful & a better relationship now cause I know you do. Just try not to play with boys feelings alright? I know you're strong, you just have to believe in yourself. Questions have already been answered. So now you know about my life & about love. Feel free to ask me anymore questions in the formspring on the right of the screen. Will update again soon. Goodbye dear readers. Labels: love Thursday, September 2, 2010 Missing Love.  I miss falling in Love & get drunk again 'N' Level is just a few days away & I can still shake my leg & do my own stuff. Well, I should start revising then just go slacking around in town or wherever. Already start to revise my Science & English, I should focus more on Science instead of English cause seriously, I almost pass my prelims for Science. Damn! It's okay, there's still 'N' Level. Oh gosh, focus zairul! It's been a few months since I've not fallen in Love & I kinda miss it quite a lot. Well, I know I should concentrate on my studies but a little Love won't hurt right? I can wait... I'm a very patient type of guy even though sometimes waiting for some stranger is just a waste of time. Well you might never know if he got feelings popping out all of a sudden. Enough Love talks. I should end this talking now. Will update my blog soon. Lots of Love, Zairul Labels: love Thursday, May 20, 2010  I really miss the way you kissed my forehead. hey, didn't get to watch movie with tipsy baby so now I'm currently in my Aunt crib facebooking. Bored as always. *phone beep* Ohhh, who can that be? *open text & read it* * smiled & eyes started to flood* Ohh, sorry, where was I? Oh yarr, so as I was saying, I'm bored. Th txt? who was it from? Ohh, hehee. got lahh, for me to know & for you to never find out. Haha well, nothing much to update. See ya~ Missing you so much love. When am I gonna meet you again? It's been days & for me it's like years. Ohh, I miss your soothing voice. your soft cherry lips, your mesmerizing eyes but mainly I miss you. Missing you hugging me tightly & making me feel so secured. I can feel your sincere warmth that you've given me. Your text makes me wanna cry even though its not a sweet poem or whatever. I mean, when you wanna head home you text me? Wow, it's like... I just don't know, none of my previous stains text me when they wanna head home or school or wherever & you're not even mine, you're so sweet don't you realize that yourself? I wish you're mine, cause I wanna love you like no one have loved you. Ohh love... Its growing... I miss th taste of love... Missing it so much makes me miss you... Loving you truckloads... Your name is tattooed in my heart... Wherever you go, if you miss me at night, look up at th bright night sky & find th brightest star of all & when you found th brightest star, that will be me watching your every move waiting for you to tug into bed. Will always watch you wherever you go... Hoping you miss me cause right now, Im missing you so badly... Everytime I close my eyes, I can feel your presence... Its like youre right beside me hugging me tightly... When I open my eyes, I smiled.. Look at th side & you arent there... Guess it was just my imagination & that shows that I really2 miss you... Hoping you're okay... Cause right now, I'm very worried about you... This is for you: I am not that strong & I can't live without you. How am I supposed to live without air? Did you know that you are the blood in my veins? Did you know that my heart is in your chains? Did you know that I've been keeping this 3 words in my heart? & this 3 words are, I Love You. Karma boy, Zairul Labels: love |
 zairul is my name & karma is my game. His Quote: what goes around with me comes around you. ♦ Dudy Monteiro. ♦ Dudy's Tumblr. ♦ Hafiz Pendek. ♦ Subhi Illiyyin. ♦ Syakirchner Elise. ♦ Hedi Kikomori. ♥ Jaselin Gemok. ♥ Frah Anne. ♥ Maia Panda. ♥ Yidah Twinny. ♥ Farna Bimbo. ♥ Uffie Aosyki. ♥ Echa Boncet. ♦ Syairul Adams. ♦ Fyzzstro. Individuals Amelina. Azmy. Belle. Din. Echa. Eicha. Eydah. Faizahh. Fie. Fir. Irzan. Ita. Jaja. Mei Ting. Naim. Natasha. Nini. Nisa. Pearl. Qayyum. Rush. Shah. Shasha. Shaq. Sheeqeen. Teko. Yourlanda. Yusry. Zaidi. May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 Tagged. Tumblr. Twitter. |
