Karma is my game

Time to move on.

4 months I went through this pain hanging by my love that have been stuck on you & now it's time for me to take a step forward to moving on, but this time I need to get over you, officially

I thought I already have moved on but as I read our past messages through my phone. My heart turns cold & I feel that my love on you is still there, tangled up on you. Emotions filled my heart & the feeling of wanting to meet you is pretty chance very big. I kept thinking of whether should I visit you at your crib before it ends or should I not. But then, a 2nd thought appeared in mind & it would be wise if I don't meet you cause meeting you will make this love grew strong & furthermore, I doubt you'll love me like how you used to when we were dating. I know that this is the right choice, by moving on, forgetting the past & look forward to the future. Just let them be as memories, never going to resurrect them back again & I know that, you will never be mine. I am going to miss our memories badly & especially yourself, looked into your mesmerizing eyes while I tell you how much I loved you.

I guess things are never meant to be, sometimes it is best not meant to be with that certain someone due to some reasons hidden behind every painful results on Love. I understand what God have given me on the results on Love. I will wait... Wait for nothing to happen.

I don't want to talk about it that much. I'm going to delete the 2010 messages when the clock strikes 12 midnight tomorrow. Let those sweet memories be locked in my mind & heart. Am looking forward for 2011 & I know you readers do too. Cause you want to change, forget & move on, right? And I am happy that I get to talk to S. Good to know that he is alright, his fever have went away but he didn't receive my long message that I have send him. So that explains why he didn't reply my message. It's alright, at least I didn't put in any negative thoughts in mind.

Just want to say have a blast my dear readers, spend every bits of your time left for 2010, then just go & accomplished your resolution for 2011.

Labels: time

2010 is ending.

Through this cold night, I let this heart cry while my mind runs a flashback of the beautiful & painful memories of 2010

Look up at the bright night sky & see each & every of those twinkling stars that is staring back at me. Such a peaceful & quiet night, so this mind runs a flashback of the beautiful & painful memories of 2010. How I first meet those new souls that touched my life with love & happiness. Just can't believe that we're still strong & 2010 is almost ending. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends & family that will always be there for me when I needed help. This eyes that are watching those flashbacks in my mind are letting this tears rise & just let them run down on my cheeks. Oh thank you God for giving me this people to be in my life, even though Love won't touched this fragile heart of mine but still at least I got love from my friends & family. I don't need love for now, I just need friends & family to be around me, to be in my life always, standing strong & not just walk away cause without em', this life won't shine like how it is now. I love you guys always & never will this love fade away.

Zairul

P.S: S, You're in my mind, letting my heart have this worried feeling cause you've been strike with fever. Please don't use up too much of your energy but instead just drink plenty of water & go to bed. Put the job aside til your fever's gone if you can. Get well soon okay?

Labels: ending

My Special Candle.

You're my special candle. Your flame keeps me companied attracting the smile to stay on my face while it lets the loneliness & darkness away

The night sky is covered with black dark clouds letting out cold raindrops while my eyes are filling up cold tears wanting to set them free but then as the tears were about to run down, a message appeared on my phone & it was from S. I smiled a little but then after what I've heard from that boy who is kind of bitchy, my heart cracks & it breaks into pieces. I don't want to be fooled again but I tried not to think about it that much, so I just replied his text. Sat down in the cold dark room while the dark clouds continue to let out rain with lightning being seen & then a loud clap heard from thunder. Emotions conquer my heart til the messages I send was rather emotional.

Then my heart glows a little with a smile drawn on my face. His words just can't make me stop smiling, then the emotions fought it back & it went to my mind, making my eyes watched the negative flashbacks. My heart shatters & so the tears filled the eyes but as the conversation continues, tears started to sink in my eyes & I started to smile a little again. As I closed my eyes, I feel like in this dark room, there is a special candle that keeps me companied attracting the smile to stay on my face while it lets the loneliness & the darkness away. S, his the special candle, my special candle that can never be replaced. Like I said.. I'm not in love, I'm just interested to wanting to know him more, go deep into his life & feel his heart.

But with life so busy, how can we meet? I was thinking to sit down on the beach & let the stars & the moon accompany us while we talk about ourselves & let mother nature help us out with a touch from the wind, the sound of waves crashing on the beach & the feeling of hard sand rubbed in our hands to release this pain that have been caged in our broken-heart. Guess I can't with him so busy. But at least I get to talk to him now, sweet that his waiting for me to finish updating my blog then we can continue messaging. I guess there is nothing to talk about much now. I'll update soon. Have a very goodnight.

Labels: Special

The Thread.

Our friendship is like a thread, sometimes it tangles up when we're fighting over small matters but in the end, I know it will still be untangled in one piece again with effort, never going to snap ever

Friendship, that is what human beings in this world couldn't leave without. They can't be alone, they can't laugh without another soul, they can't cry at times without any shoulder, they can't set all their emotions free without a listening ear. They need love from friends, they need hugs every time when they're down on their knees crying, they need to laugh just by hearing jokes or watch humans fooling themselves. Without friends, life is just meaningless, it's just plain empty, a book with no words written on it. I need friends. I need them to be by my side when I'm crying for pain, I need to be loved by them & I know every human being need friends too.

Don't tell me you don't cause it's not worth it moving on with life alone & I'm sick & tired of love. Someone need to tell my heart that I'm just not worth it, I should just move on as a single soul cause I won't be going no where if I ever come across love. I deserve better than this & it really kills me getting fooled, played around & just get dumped in the end. I want to end this. Heart, it's over. We're done with love, we've tried but still, nothing changes. I ain't going to let you touch love no more. I know you're strong enough to be in the singlehood, without ever needing a man to touch you. I know you're made of steel, so let's just be single then. I know I can move on just as long as Dudy is here by my side, holding my hand never letting go. I know that I can just go through almost anything, including love especially. I love you my gay brother, don't leave me okay?

Kisses,
Zairul

Labels: friendship

I want to know the Future.

The future seems so bright whenever you came into my life but now as you went fading away from my life, it seems that my future have darkened now

Woke up so early in the morning. Couldn't go back to sleep & let my soul wander off to the dreams & so I just stare on the white empty ceiling instead for quite some time thinking of what have happened this few days. Mind still running & curiosity starts again. I really want to find the answer in the future. Will there be some quarrels & some friendship break-ups, or just forgiveness & warm hugs, just moving on instead? Really am looking forward for this future. I have no intention of whatever, just am curious due to what have happened this past few days. It's like everything have gone tangled up like a thread, once dislodged, from there we will need to move on separate ways. Everything is so different, it's like insincere with hatred & anger mixed together in that heart but right in the outside, they'll just look normal, pretending to laugh & smile like nothings wrong but when no ones around, the wicked scheme will begin. Is this for real? Being pretentious? An angel with a bit of an evil inside? That I'm not quite sure, I feel like I'm stuck in between. I don't want any of this to happen even though I want the other to smile but it feels so wrong... Let's just see about that, will my prediction about them being pretentious going to be true? Well let's see shall we what the future will show us later on.

Labels: future

My Forever After.

I want you to be my forever after, just you & me side by side til the day I have to go

Through the cold night where the stars swirl around me, trying to make me feel secured. Tears ran down my cheek while I am being protected by the stars. I couldn't touch the most beautiful & most unique feeling with pain & thorns mixed together, & that is Love. I want to feel Love again. I want to get hurt while going through it, cry cause of the pain I'll get from it but I couldn't. I can't Love. My heart got sick & tired of it but I can't take it being left alone in life. My hands are free, I want it to be hold forever, feeling secured with arms around me & feel the breath near my neck. I want to close my eyes & fall from the highest mountain & finally fall right into his arms. I want to look into his eyes, deeply & see those sparkles shining in his eyes. I want to feel that love showering on my lonely heart. Let it shine, igniting the love together with him. I want him to be My Forever After.

But all of this caused patience this lovely fantasy that I have kept in my mind. Now as I wait, I feel like I'm on the highest mountain, getting ready to hear this 5 words below the mountain, I'm ready to love you & I'll just fall letting him catch me. Oh what a beautiful fantasy that my mind have written. Fantasies aren't meant to be in reality & that I know, but wouldn't it be something if it were to step in the reality world? I shouldn't be living in my fantasy world & start thinking of the reality world where it's cold, letting you feel so insecure like you're the only soul who lives in this world. I'll wait til my heart is ready to touch Love again.

As for now, I'll just move on in life alone, taking step by step through all this pain that have caused in my heart. But I know that there are beautiful souls around me who are like shining stars spreading through the night sky, & that is my sweetest friends. They are there for me when I'm down & whenever I'm in need of them, they'll sacrifice some bits of their time by listening & consoling me whenever I'm in pain, letting all this cold tears run down & splashes to the ground. I feel so blessed that I have friends who step into my life & lift me up when I fall. Even though they couldn't be there for me always, I know that I need to do it alone, by getting up with my own two feet every time I fall on my knees.

Dear Dudy,

I just want to say that I feel so relieved that finally I have found you. All this while I've been searching for a soul of the same sex to have a bonding together with me & be so close, & that soul is you. Get to share all the pain that we've get in love, get to console you when you're in tears, get forehead kisses from you when I'm down, get rubbed on the head with tight hugs from you every time, get to give you forehead kisses with tight hugs too & get goodbye kisses on the lips before we go every time [ lesbian much? ]. You're like a brother to me, it makes this tears from my eyes run down to my cheek, tears of joy. Wishing for this & finally it came true. Even though the ones that I wished for badly didn't came to me, at least I got you. I'll always be there for you when you're down, want to wipe those cold tears away from your cheeks & just see that smile drawn on your face after you've set all those negative emotions away. I wouldn't want to leave you & I hope you won't leave me too. Let's cry together when we're in pain due to Love, let's use penknives & cut our wrists so deep til it bleed so badly, & let's smile together after setting all those emotions free from our cold heart. Smile always Dudy cause I will always want to see you smile til the day I have to go & I know someday your beautiful heart will shine while getting poured by the most amazing feeling created by God, & that is Love. Love you always. xxxx

Your Little Brother,

Zairul.

P.S: Your song that you've send me was being played repeatedly while I typed all this, feel so glad that I can focus while listening to your beautiful voice. This is the first time I can focus while a song is being played & that is just by listening to your sweet voice.

Labels: love

I'll let my heart touch love when I think it's ready again.

Love, it is so unique plus beautiful with a whole lot pain & tears mixed together that I won't let my heart touch it for now til I know I'm ready to let it touch it again

Standing all alone in a room with the mirror in front of me, staring at my own reflection for a few minutes & suddenly, the answer appeared in my mind & that is, tired. Tired of everything that have gone through me, tired of living in sins, tired of feeling pain, tired of running tears, tired of mending a broken heart, tired of meeting new souls, tired of being in love & I'm tired of breathing. Every step I take to move on for the next day, something bad will happen til I get hurt so deep before I can even move on. It really hurts a lot. It's like my life cycle. I'll smile & laugh with friends, with love ones then the next thing will be tears & pain that I'll receive later on, then it will repeat again from the start & maybe the pain I'll receive will be worse til I can even fall on my knees all alone, covering my face while I let the tears run. I don't know how much longer can I bear living with pain. 9 years suffering, so how can I move on another year when I can't even bear facing the pain for a day.

I just got to sit down at the beach again where I can learn how to relax myself by the taught of nature then I could stand up with my own two feet & face all the pain again. I just got to empty my mind & set my negative emotions free cause no point letting them being caged in my heart when it's going to hurt me more. I just wish for happiness in life, that is all I need, nothing more.

Labels: love

Waiting for the impossible.

Every second, every minute, every hour & every day, I realized that waiting for you is like waiting for the impossible, but still I'm going to wait til the time goes possible

So as months passed by, this love still remains, it doesn't fade nor shine as bright as the stars, this feeling is like a hard stone lying on the ground never ever going to budge. Waiting for you is like waiting for the wings to grow on my back. Yes, impossible is the word that I'm waiting for. You're the impossible & I don't know why I'm still waiting. Hopes that you've make me created have finally been buried under the ground. Sitting on my hope's graveyard, waiting for it to be resurrected by itself. Nothing is impossible that's what human beings always say. So 4 months have been passed & I'm still waiting for the impossible to change to possible. I want to move on but when I want to take a step forward, the memories will come pulling me back, making me not ever want to take that step to moving on. I need someone to help me realized that nothing is going to change if I continue waiting for this soul that have left me. I need a soul to help me move on or this feeling is just going to roam around his heart waiting for the impossible to happen.

You said you love me but you're just not ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet. So tell me if you love me, why wouldn't you asked me if I'm alright, asked me if I have eaten, or even send me a simple message that says hi? I'm disappointed that your words are just plain empty. I'm the one who have been giving all my care & concern towards you but in the end, I received none from you. If only you realized how much pain I've been going through this passed 4 months. I'm sure you'll understand, won't you?

Labels: waiting

Drunk.

I didn't get drunk for the fun of it. I want to get drunk because I want to let you off my mind for awhile but instead you rule over my mind

At last, sitting on the beach where I can feel the hard sand with my bare hands with the wind blowing through my face & hear the waves crashing to the side of the beach on a cold night. Lilly introduced me to her friends & I thought they were some kind of people who have the 'mat-rep' attitude, but they aren't & they are so much fun to hang out with. They were drunk of course & they gave me a few cups til the bottle is done, felt a little bit tipsy but then I just carry on by doing some snorts on the bottle after Lilly have done with some burning on the bottle. Then she got tired, so I burn it on my own til the liquor is all done. I want more still but there isn't anymore liquors instead there was 2 tin cans of beers so I just drank some & the effect starts to begin.

Was talking crap & wrote his name on the sand using my leg, then sat down on the blanket & started to write his name on the sand again. Thought that by drinking it will let him off my mind for awhile but instead he ruled over my mind. I almost shed a tear but then I controlled my emotions & try to be happy instead. So Lilly's friends asked me some questions about gays & I answered all of their questions of course. They told me to be straight instead & I told them that I'll think about it. Even Lilly wanted me to promise to her that I'll change myself but I didn't promise of course. A lot of people wanted me to change myself. Kind of disappointed cause it's like they don't love you for who you are, but it's alright. I will, one day but not now or later. Just wait til I'm 24, I guess? Anyway, I lie down on Lilly's lap cause my eyes can hardly open & she adviced me not to lie down or else I'll vomit later on. Didn't listened to her & just continue lying down on her lap til after a few hours, I woke up & quickly crawled to one side & vomitted quite a lot. Apologies to Lilly for I have not listened to your advice.

Damn, I don't know why after I vomitted, I kept calling for 'A' & kept asking Lilly for her phone cause I wanted to call him but she wouldn't let me of course when instead I just knew him & met him just once[ Not the the one that I wrote on the sand of course ]? Quite weird though, but I didn't think about it too much & checked the time, it was 6:00am. So we head off home by taking the cab & Lilly told me to lie down on her lap, so without any questions asked, I quickly lie down on her lap while she stroke my hair[ favourite ]. Then finally reached Braddell & we got off the cab, gave Lilly a goodbye hug & I head off home by train. While half-way reaching to Yishun, the feeling of vomitting started to appear again so I departed at Yio Chu Kang station & vomitted at the side. Damn, such embarrassment. Waited for the next train & it arrived after a min, then I just boarded the train. Was trying not to vomit again til I finally reached Yishun, quickly tapped out & walk home briskly. Finally reached home, throw all my stuff at the side & quickly lie on the bed covering my whole self with a blanket.

Seriously, I shouldn't have drank liquor & then beer together even though it will give you the kick quickly cause it will let you vomit quickly too. Lesson learnt & what a very bad day I should say. Shouldn't have drink, not because of the vomitting & the pounding on my head. It's because that I already have the opportunity to sit on the beach on a cold night with the stars just to set all the emotions free, but it turned out that the emotions are still in me cause I've waste that opportunity.

Labels: Drunk

Suicide.

All those pain, those hatred, those stressful problems, it all hit my mind so fast til it stirred into one deathly word, & that is suicide

At the foot of the Block, running tears all alone at around 3 o'clock. My mind was throbbing badly & my eyes were swollen as I cried too much. Tried to ask Mile whether he can call me but with the late replies & all, it seems that he is pretty much busy & have much better things to do than this, well I understand. So I called Hafiz instead, called him a few times til the 5th time, he picked up the call & as soon as I heard his voice, I burst into tears. Told him what happened just now, such pain, it all hit me so fast, I didn't have the intention to tell granny about it. If only I knew, you know I wouldn't tell granny that you won't be going home til 4am. You should have told me, seriously. My apologies, I guess I wasn't live to lead a happy life with a partner or without one but instead I live to suffer with human beings who won't understand me at all. They only gave me hatred & pain, blame me for something I didn't intend to do, throw all the tantrum to me unreasonably & push me with all those harsh words til I drop on my knees crying. I'm still 16 & yet I'm trying to find a job just to support myself. What is this? Even though my mindset is like an adult, doesn't mean my age would change. I'm still the 16-years-old teenage boy that you know. I'm not yet a fully grown adult, I'm still going through all this but yet, I need to support myself. From young til now I've been suffering, molested, abused, sexually forced 2 times & yet I don't know why I'm still here, breathing normally while typing all this pain that have been past. I know this is suppose to be personal but I don't give a damn anymore. I'm not embarrassed by all this shit. I just want everyone to know that even though I'm 16, I've gone through many pain. Never have I been happy in all my life, never. So you should appreciate what you have now & stop acting like a child who wants someting badly & will just vent out your anger if you do not get what you want. Just remember that even though you didn't get what you wanted, at least all your needs have already been given almost everyday. Pocket money for school, shopping, & everything else. You don't even have the need to work but I know that some does want to work for some extra cash, still the things you need have all been taken care of.

Where as for me, I need to find a job badly for all the things that I need & place all my wanted list aside. I've been wishing to have a happy life but in the end, nothing changes. I'm still young, yet I'm going through a lot of pain, problems, everything. It all went in through my mind til all those words changes to suicide. Yes, I've been having this mentality problem, only Hafiz knows. I didn't tell anyone cause I know no one will give a damn about it. I already have memory problems due to too much stress that have been in my mind & now it's getting worse cause even simple words I could forget the meanings. It's like, my IQ is getting lower & I'm really scared that one day I might end up crazy but I know that I just need to go to my appointment with that doctor I've met for my memory problems & I'll be fine. The problem is, where can I get the money, my granny doesn't care for my health anymore. My life is ruined, totally ruined.

Such sadness, now all I want to know is when will I die cause I'm tired of living in pain. I'm tired of standing alone everytime I fall. I feel like running away, faraway & just deactivate all my account for maybe a week, a month, a year or just forever. No one cares for me, I'm not complaining but I'm just saying that I can't bear to move on with life alone. Percentage of being loved is just less than 50 or just nothing at all. At least if I have loved from a partner, that should be enough. I just want to be stress free, I just want to smile for awhile & let my heart shine a bit before another pain occurred but then, I can't cause I'm still alone for more than a year. I guess, it's fated that I can't be loved by anyone. It's alright, even if I must still bear all this pain, I will... I'm just hoping that my mentality won't be getting worse that's all. Now I'm just waiting for another pain to occur, I'm ready for it. Just strike me now if you want & let me fall flat, let me bleed... Let me... Die.

Labels: Suicide

The waves, The sand & The ocean.

Hear the waves crashing at the side of the beach with the wind breathing through my skin, see the sun setting through the sky while my heart slowly set all this emotions free

Watching the fluffy clouds flowing slowly through the sky while letting the wind play around with my fringe. Problems with family, life, love & money are all kept inside my mind. Couldn't bear to keep em' much longer cause keeping em' inside can make my head throbbed badly. I've been wanting to let all this emotions free at the beach where the sun is slowly setting through the sky & where the bright moon is starting to appear with the twinkling stars but when I want to make the first step to heading to the beach, there will always be something on til I changed my mind of going. I've been so busy with sweet friends of mine til I have no time for myself at all. I'm not complaining but I'm just blaming myself for not balancing all the things in life. If only my friends would one day want to slack at the side of the beach at night & star gaze together, I will of course tag along with them but I know that at one point, I will need to be faraway from them, sitting all alone & just let this mind & heart do their job. I just hope my eyes won't be running tears again cause I'm tired of crying.

... Or maybe... I just go with just a soul who I'm comfortable with... Just one & then I let it all go instead of sitting at one point alone & let go of everything...

Labels: The beach

zairul is my name &
karma is my game.

His Quote:

what goes around with me comes around you.

Sweetest Ecstasy

♦ Dudy Monteiro.
♦ Dudy's Tumblr.
♦ Hafiz Pendek.
♦ Subhi Illiyyin.
♦ Syakirchner Elise.
♦ Hedi Kikomori.
♥ Jaselin Gemok.
♥ Frah Anne.
♥ Maia Panda.
♥ Yidah Twinny.
♥ Farna Bimbo.
♥ Uffie Aosyki.
♥ Echa Boncet.
♦ Syairul Adams.
♦ Fyzzstro.

Individuals

Amelina.
Azmy.
Belle.
Din.
Echa.
Eicha.
Eydah.
Faizahh.
Fie.
Fir.
Irzan.
Ita.
Jaja.
Mei Ting.
Naim.
Natasha.
Nini.
Nisa.
Pearl.
Qayyum.
Rush.
Shah.
Shasha.
Shaq.
Sheeqeen.
Teko.
Yourlanda.
Yusry.
Zaidi.

May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012

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