Don't say that you're useless & worth nothing. Just remember that someone's life won't be complete without you
Look up at the night sky & there's only dark fluffy clouds everywhere with not even a single star seen at sight. Getting ready to close this sleepy eyes of mine but before I do so, I let this mind run & think about what have been happening this past few days. Some ups & downs occurred but there was a smile drawn on my face after little jokes & laughter were made from someone who I have just known in Facebook. Thanks S, for being there by cheering me up & giving the care & concern towards me even though we just know each other. Really appreciate all the little things you did just to make this little frown upside down.
Still have been labeling myself that I'm worth nothing at all & is like a useless dump living in this dark world full of sins. But still, I tried my very best to stop degrading myself & try to think the positive side instead. Placed all the negative words aside along with the heartache caused by love & try to replace it with positive thoughts instead but in the end, it didn't helped me at all. With a sigh, I just forget trying & just continue what I have been doing all this time by creating simple quotes in Facebook & Twitter. As I was about to post one in Facebook, there was a message in my inbox. Clicked on it & it was from a guy who used to have a crush on me. Wondering what does he want cause we have not been chatting for a very long time, so I just read what he have send me & it seems that he have some problem related to love & is in need of my help. Gave him some advice & he thanked me for helping him with the words, love you inserted in the message as well. I smiled & just replied him back. I was so touched after what he have said, not because of the 2 sweet words but it's because that I am the only one that can helped him with his problems.
Not only him who seek helped from me but there's 2 more, 1 of them which is my Facebook friend & the other is someone who have just recently slacked with my clans. Oh & not to forget, my lovely cousin who sometimes need my advice went she is stuck with some problems. After all those things that have happened to me, I realized that I have learned something in life & that is the quote that I have just wrote for you guys to read below the picture. Yes, in this world, everyone is worth something in their own way, you just have to find what you're born to do & not just stand there labeling yourself what you are not. Hoping that there's more new things that I can learn while time passes by.
When I wake up the next morning, will you still be beside me hugging me tightly while your eyes are closed with a smile sticking on your face?
Opened my eyes, earpiece was still on me with music still blasting out. Took it off & checked the time & it was still early. Gosh, I only slept around 6hours so I guess maybe for today my body feels like being one of the early birds? Well, I don't know why but somehow I feel fresh like, I have enough sleep [ which I don't ]. Walk out of the room door & the first thing I saw were smiles sticking on each & every one of my sweet darling relatives face. So what's up with the smiles? I have no clue but seeing them smile really made my day cause it's hard seeing them smiling & laughing in the morning where as the usual morning were always, cranky, rolling of the eyes & stomping & dragging their own two feet around the house.
Well, maybe today's a special day? But whatever it is, as long as I see smiles on their beautiful face, I'm fine with that. I just don't know why but somehow my heart feels more brighter & more calmed than yesterday which leads to tears & broken pieces of heart all around the floor due to the background of my friend's picture [ which is related to someone whom I really love deeply still ] that my eyes have just saw. It kept me silent while eyes were focusing on the screen & whenever I clicked 'Next' & saw the very same background, tears will come falling from my eyes. Explain to me why is his background picture so familiar like as if it were your bedroom wall. With a sigh, I just close my friend's profile & just sat there crying all alone in the room.
Posted out all the negative emotions that I'm going through on that cold night in Facebook & Twitter. I was desperately in need for penknives but there were none in this small haunted house [ seriously it's haunted I'm not joking ]. So I just sat quietly in the room weeping & weeping til I can't shed another tear any longer. Then I just went back to my laptop & I saw a pop out chat from some guy so, I replied. He was very sweet though, making me smile & laugh til the problems fade away for a little while.. Then all of a sudden, he just went offline. Well, it was fun chatting with him til it lasted. At least he kind of made my night but still it won't heal this broken heart of mine permanently. Negative emotions will always roam around this empty heart of mine, always.
When I looked at the bright round moon with twinkle stars all around tonight, I know that there'll always be lovebirds around sitting on a wooden bench & connecting the stars together with their lovers
Walking all alone along the pavements of the street & what a cold night this can be. Looked up at the night sky & I saw a big bright moon shining down on me with twinkling stars winking all around. Hands in my side pockets of my jeans & just continue moving forward with earpiece plugged on & blue music slowly flowing through my ears. Lovebirds with holding hands walking pass me & when I saw how sweet they can be, my heart got cold & it just ache til it cracks to half releasing every negative emotions that is kept deep inside my cold heart. Tears started to fill the eyes & I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears but I just try to bear with it, continue walking trying to pretend that I didn't saw a single thing that happened just now. As soon as they were gone, I feel like I'm walking all alone with no one to be seen at sight. Then suddenly the wind started to blew & it's like they were touching my delicate neck, making me feel arouse in the moment. I feel weird though being arouse by just little touches from the wind. Then the evening incident hit me & my heart started to ache again. I can't believe that I feel like I'm talking to someone on the phone who's character is a lot like my first past stain. He was being so harsh towards me, giving me the heck care attitude til my mood ran away from me & I just told him that I'll confirm with him again if I want to meet later or not. So he just hung up on me without even saying goodbye & my heart totally dropped to bits til I shed a tear or two. Even though I do not have any feelings on him, the hanging up is just too cruel & rude for me. I hate being hung up on someone when I didn't do anything wrong. It's like a door have been slammed shut right in front of my face. Imagine the pain of being rejected in some sort of way unreasonably. So I just called Eeks & asked her where is she & the clans, then after knowing where were they, I just hung up trying not to show that I want to cry. Wipe my tears & I just left the house bringing along my broken heart.
Til now I can still feel his harsh words running through my mind & stabbing my innocent heart. I just can't believe that I have just felt my past stain's attitude again & it really hurts a lot. How I wish, that it wasn't a bad day yesterday but even though things doesn't turn out to be the way it was supposed to be planned, at least this broken heart of mine feels a bit better when my sweetest friends are around making the night more fun & wild.
How I wish that my life is like a book so that I can just erase all the bad memories in the past & rewrites it with joys & happiness instead.
A face that can remind souls of a thousand people is what I call unique
Dear readers,
Sorry for not updating my blog this past few weeks due to some major problems that have been living with me & so it caused my mood to runaway. But now my mood is starting to come back home so I guess I'll start to blog again & besides, I miss blogging about my emotions, my dreadful life & my sweetest clans that have been in my life all this time. Thanks sweet loves.
Had a great prom yesterday night but I went off half way meeting my sweetest gay clans. We slacked around & make loud noises like we owned this place. And there was somebody new in our clan named Dudy which I've never met before though I've seen his Facebook profile once but have no intention to even add him [ cause I don't add people even if they're hot as hell :) ]. Realized that when I didn't look at him almost everytime, I can see him staring at me at the corner of my eyes. Of course I just ignored & continue what I wanna do. After slacking, they head off first & went partying while I just sit outside alone in the mean time... While I was waiting for the right time, my mind kept imaging his face & playing back all the sweet moments that I had with him.
Tears were rising & heart went aching. It got me pressured out of the blue & I feel like knocking his face off my mind using a deadly hammer & after that stabbing my heart with a sharp knife to stop this feeling from making my vulnerable heart ache. Then suddenly I saw Hafiz got out to take me in & I just went in, partying with them, trying to let my soul off my broken heart & mind. Dance off with some crump-ing, hip-hopping & a little touch of vogue & not to forget a sprinkle of kpop moves too was added til my mind got blank. So just chill dance with the rest instead & when partying is almost over, Raihan head off home first by cab while the rest of us walk to the bus stop where our Night Rider buses always stop at. While walking, Dudy & I had a conversation & seriously we have a lot in common. Our interest, our stains & our personality are mostly the same. Shocking right?
When nearing to the bus stop, we saw the bus for Syakir, Mile, & Terence have arrived first & so they head off quickly while waving goodbye to us. Then behind their bus, is our bus which have just arrived & so Dudy & I gave a goodbye hug to Hafiz then straight away we went in the bus. Sat at the last row with Dudy & we chatted again. Then when he looked at my side, he was shocked & I got confused. Asked him why & he say that my side look almost like him, that's why he kept staring at me cause it's like he's staring at his own reflection. We chatted a bit more, til some of our secrets spill out from our own mouth & we make it that it's only for us to know & for our mouth to shut up. Smiled & we planned to hang out some time since we got common interest & since our problems are much likely the same so why not we hang out together, be hurt together, be in tears together & slash our wrists together using different penknives of course [ kidding ]. Then his stop has arrived & so before he left, we gave each other a goodbye hug & he step out of the bus, waving goodbye to me.
As soon as the bus drove off, my heart got cold again & tears went falling from my eyes. Was looking at his picture on my phone with blue music flowing through my ears. Wondering if he's alright, wondering whether he's smiling & am wondering where is he right now cause my broken heart can't stop worrying about him. How I wish I had just one more chance to look into his eyes & see him looking back, I would tell him I've been missing & loving him still since the day he went away. My stop have arrived & I departed, walking back home slowly while little touches from the wind went through touching my delicate skin. Looked up at the night sky & it was full of grey clouds with not a single star seen winking on the sky. Reached home & lie on my soft bed, covering my whole self with a big long blanket like I always did to show to the world that all the negative emotions & moments I had is hiding in me cause I wouldn't want to share all this painful scars to anyone but instead I just hide it & pretend that everything is always going to be fine... Even though he have hurt me with the hurting words & just leave me hanging for another soul, I will still love him til the very last breath.
Being addicted to something really kills. Once you stop taking it, you'll start to feel the pain slowly spreading through your body
The sight turned blur with darkness filling up every single sight slowly. Legs felt icy cold, body shivers, lungs tighten & heart being stabbed repeatedly & deeply. 4 days, 2 bottles done, & health is getting low. Breathing for air & it feels like I'm in the water trying to get on land. Walking like a drunken boy with a giddy brain. Negative emotions stirring into one. My mind echoes for more while my heart beats a big no. Covering my whole self with a big soft blanket. Tears started to fill my blurry eyes, spilling those tears with just one blink & it spilled all the way til my eyelid got heavy zso instead I just let it stay shut, letting my soul go wandering off to my beautiful dreams.
Woke up & it's around 6pm. Brain started throbbing while lungs started to feel like being poked by pointy needles. Stood up & legs were kind of shaky. Dragging my leg slowly to the toilet & it takes a painful time to reached there. Took off my shirt & looked myself in the mirror. Jaws totally drop, what happen to my stomach, it looks like I'm sucking it up but the thing is I didn't. Look at those dry lips with those dead skins peeling off everywhere. Look at myself, I feel so ashamed. What have I change myself into? It did not even reach to any point of improving but it seems that I'm lower than the negative level & I feel so degraded, so contempt. My heart feel so weak. Why must I be so depress? Why must I have the low self-esteem? Due to the cracked face & the heartless souls that have caused me pain & more hatred in myself? Why must I even took that medicine when I know that the past won't even change a single bit? Sigh, I guess I just want to close my eyes & not face the reality, wanting to let my soul wander off to those sweetest dreams forever. But all this have painful consequences & I really regret doing this cause with the addiction starting to run through my body, I'll need to take it but I know I won't, not even a single drop but if I have to, I'll take it with a spoon like what my aunt's lover, Jaselin said, " Take it with a spoon but don't take it too much or just don't take it at all cause once you've start to get addicted to that medicine, it's like a drug & a large amount of effort is needed if you want to end the addiction. " I guess, I'll just don't take it at all or if I will, I'll take it with a spoon & not too much in order to let this bloody coughs to shut up.
First of all, I would like to apologies to Mile as I've been making him feel so worried due to what happened. I didn't mean to hurt you. My apologies. Secondly, I would like to apologies to all my sweetest clans & even my lovely Jaselin as she have been verbally forcing me to stop taking that medicine but I chose not to listen. Millions of apologies dear.
I'm sorry guys, I guess, suicide was playing in my mind all this while. I just can't take it being pushed around by flawless gayboys & some others. I can't endure it anymore. With a cracked face, love is always forbidden in my broken life cause like what they say, I'm a sex symbol. If I die, promise me you all won't forget me. I'm not praying or wanting to end my life but I'm just saying " if ", that's all. Goodbye my lovelies. I love you guys to shreds.
The boy who owns a cracked face, Zairul
P.S: I don't even have the guts to even face you guys with my condition now. I've embarrassed you all as a friend & I'm sorry. I guess we shouldn't meet anymore as I feel so ashamed after what I've done. I hate this. Hope I'll be forgiven.
What if you have the gift to look into the future & just change it before it gets to that point? Wouldn't life be simple? But sometimes, when I gave a 2nd thought about it, life can be a bit boring, & less challenging if you have this gift. You won't even get to learn how to be strong without facing any challenges or any pain. So I guess, I just push this aside & be a typical human being like everyone else cause it is the best way if you want to know how strong you can be without knowing what will your next challenge be like.
