Karma is my game

Raindrops.

Just waiting for every single raindrop to fall from the black stormy clouds & splashes right to the hard ground cause I want to see a beautiful bright rainbow appear right after the storm have done crying

Stood at the side of the window watching the raindrops fall from the sky & splashes to the glass window while lighting up my cigarette between my two fingers. Took a few puffs & it clears up the stress & some negative emotions away, giving me some cooling feeling inside my body. My mind suddenly wandered off somewhere while I was taking a few puffs on my cigarette. Then my mind have made up its decision after letting me see all those moments when I was contacting with S A. I think I should tell you, tell you everything when we have meet, only just the two of us cause I am tired of keeping what I have been keeping inside this fragile heart. Now please don't leave me silently if you're not a coward soul & face me for the last time if that will be our very last on the day where we can sit down in a quiet, cozy place & sacrifice some free time of yours, while I express everything out to you, everything.

I don't want to tell you if it's related to happiness or pain but whatever it is, just get ready & hear what I got to say cause like I said, I'm tired of keeping it inside when now, I'm ready to let it all out.

Labels: Raindrops

What If.

What if I'm still holding back my past never wanting to move on into the future, will you leave me alone & let me suffer cause I am still not ready to be in a relationship with anyone but only with the one that I've kept my love for still

5 months still have I been hanging by this Love & 5 months still I've not been moving on one bit. The day when my eyes have caught sight of you while you were walking towards my clans & it was quite a shock to my heart. I quickly turned away & let my eyes looked somewhere else cause it was starting to redden & it got flooded with tears, so as soon as you greeted them with a handshake & left. I see you walk away & I just wipe this tears away. Can you feel that my heart have been wanting to be with you still? Why won't you looked into my eyes & see for yourself that I have this feeling of needing you, of loving you til the very end but I see you have a heartless soul who doesn't even bother to even give a damn about how I feel when I've explained to you how I truly felt & how long have I been hanging by this love still.

Tell me how to forget how much I really love you please cause I really can't bear with this pain any longer. I know you have move on so long already so just tell me how, tell me why can't I move on just like you. I'm still stuck to our past for almost 5 months already. I can't even take a step forward cause I just love you too much. It's like I'm stranded in a deep forest, trying my best how to get out of this cold place cause it's like a big maze. I don't know why, but I seriously am not ready to feel another touch of Love from anyone else but you. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone but you. I'm just too scared to get hurt by a soul once I have reached to that strongest feeling all over again.

If only a guy could rescue my heart from my past & let me step into the future, I will love him with all my heart, I promise that but once it fades away, you know that there will always be a reason behind all the beautiful moments that have slowly fade away.

Labels: what if

A wonderful Sunday night.

It felt so good when I'm with you, that wonderful Sunday night where the wind blew strong & it's just you & me in that cozy quiet place

Waited for him at Woodlands MRT, sitting down on the ground under the track while listening to my music that was blasting out from my phone. It felt so good sitting alone even though you look like a boy who doesn't owned a life. Everything seemed so calm, people walking around minding their own business. Got a text from him, he's reaching soon so I walk to the Control Station, waited for him there. Finally he'd reached & his face looks like his picture of course, no spots were seen on his face [ so much for having pimples ]. So we went to the small shops, what they called it, " Pasar Malam " to buy some food & drinks & just packed it, so that we could eat later when we've reached Woodlands Waterfront. We walk instead of taking the bus. Go through Admiralty Park & we need to go through a small dark & spooky forest. Looked at him before stepping into the forest & of course I was scared so he wouldn't mind me holding his arms while blasting music from my phone. I smiled a little & we took a step forward to the forest, we talk about ourselves of course & it was kind of fun cause there's some laughter made even though the spooky forest freaked me up a little but still I feel a little secured when I was holding his arms tightly.

Finally we got out of the forest & I let go of his arms, still we were talking & talking. Then reached to our destination & we sat down, eating our food, Tako Yaki [ favourite ]. Finished eating our food & we went off sitting at the very end of the jetty continuing our conversation again. We talk & talk like there's no tomorrow, the way he looked into my eyes & smiled made my heart melt like a hot chocolate. He is such a cutie, I can't resist the temptation of biting him, well which I did bite him a few times, oops~ sorry about that. But hearing about all his heartbreaking stories made my heart dropped & smashed to pieces, oh what a pity. Reminded me of my past life with my stains. Such a nightmare to my heart, but I assure you that you'll get the one who will love you more than how you will love that soul one day cause a sweet soul like you deserve better than this, I know it kills but as you know it, God gave us such difficult tests, to see if we could bear with it when we've faced it & just move on slowly, letting go of such pain that have stabbed our fragile heart.

But seriously, we have a lot in common, & I really mean A LOT. We get along so easily, it felt so good to be true. Then as the time passed by, the night got darker, the wind blew strong & I got cold. Wished I got a hug as I have been longing for a long tight hug from a soul. Sadly, he didn't gave me one but it's alright cause I didn't expect anything from him.

We head off the cozy place & went to the longer route to Admiralty Park instead, seriously I don't want to step into that creepy forest again but still, I felt goosebumps while walking through the longer route til I saw a white pillow [ Pocong in malay ] standing in that dark forest on our left. I kind of screamed & I got scared. Hold his hand tightly & then just let it go cause I feel so embarrassed. He don't mind & just immediately hold my hand tight, letting my cheeks redden a little somehow. We talk again & he called me beautiful & find me cute. I was touched of course. So we went through Admiralty Park after that & reached to Woodlands MRT. Went down to Woodlands Interchange & finally, it's time for us to separate as we don't took the same bus home. Gave each other a handshake but no hugs were given, asked him if I could have one but sadly, he was shy cause we're in a place where there's a lot of people around but I understand.

Oh what a beautiful Sunday night, a night where I can finally smile before I close my cute little eyes & go to sleep. Smile always please, cause you know that you're a beautiful soul inside out, so please stop living in denial & accept the fact that you are. Have a very good night S, I hope you had a great time with me too.

Labels: Sunday

We're Special.

Though we may be gay, we're still humans like you guys, it ain't much of a different but the only thing is, we're more special

People nowadays, love to look down on humans like us. Wondering why is it such a big issue to them when we don't mean any harm. We're just a normal human being like everyone else living in this world, where our intentions are just to go through a path where we'll find our own happiness & where we can love the one that we've been wanting them to hold on to us, making us feel loved, & secure. But some of them just don't understand us. They just want us to be like how it is supposed to be. Boys loving girls & girls loving boys. It ain't that easy once you've chosen your path unless you're a human who love both genders [ as people called it Bisexuals ], then it's much more simpler.

Don't asked us why we're gay when we supposed to love the opposite sex. Some of us are born this way, while some were being raped, molested, etc. by the same gender. It's not that we want to be this way, but it's because that we are born to be this way, so don't blame us for choosing the wrong path but instead please do give us the respect & understanding that we should get from you people like how you all respect & understand one another. We're like you, & you're like us but the one thing different is that, we're more special. And I know that this is the biggest sin in some religions but still, this is our decision, not yours. In the end, we'll need to face the consequences, alone. So just continue & do good deeds in your life, settle your own problems, find your own happiness cause we're finding our own happiness just like you & everybody else. Don't bother others when you got your own life to bother.

Labels: Special

what is your ideal date? how do you want it to turn out like?

A sweet loving man, who knows how to treat me right.
Who only seek for the heart instead of the looks. The one who love to give forehead kisses [ fav kiss ]. The one that will hold me in his arms, making me feel secure & I want him to ask me out to the beach where we can watch the sun setting down & where the stars & the moon will start to appear.

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Will just make my move.

I've made up my mind, I feel so left out, like I'm being loved the least & I doubt they'll notice me when I'm gone, so I'll just make my move

2nd Day of 2011 & I feel so cold, so alone like there's no one around me. I feel like I'm being loved the least, it's like they don't need me anymore. Such negative thoughts are all conquering my mind. Is our clan getting bigger cause I like it with just only a few of us, not like a huge family tree cause the more people who's going to join in our clan, the less love I'll get from my close ones. I guess I'll just make my move, I ain't feeling the love anymore. I doubt they'll even notice me once I'm gone. I won't delete any of my account but instead, I'll just leave it to dust by not updating anymore except for this lovely blog of mine. Will update this often.

Farewell,
Zairul

Labels: Gone

Chapter 2011.

And the very first day of 2011 is the day I shed tears with all the pain running through this heart of mine

Turned on the tap of the shower. Played a heartbroken song on my phone setting it to play repeatedly. Let the water run on me while I just stand there watching at some of the 2010 flashbacks my mind have played. Some were as sweet as candy while others were as painful as a cut on my wrist, bleeding. Kept thinking about it, then I just crouch on the ground, crying while a part on this memory in my mind was playing. I feel like going back but I can't. I just need to accept what have past & just look forward for 2011. I am really longing for the sweet memories, with him. Cuddling together on the bed, get long hugs & forehead kisses from him every time & get to sleep right into his arms til I open my eyes the very next day & the first thing I saw is just him sleeping soundly beside me. But I know all these are just past & never will it brings to the future. I know he have long so over me & for that I should really stop thinking about the past in a quiet place alone where I should just look ahead to the future instead. What's past is past, now it's time to smile & step into the future.

I'm going to miss him though. 5 months hanging by Love & 5 months wasted. Nothing changes, he doesn't give a damn about me anymore. I just want to say farewell. Be strong & smile always cause I am no longer there for you anymore. I really love you but I've got to let you go for the sake of my heart & of course the future. You know that I deserve better than this cause it really kills me getting my heart tangled on you. May you have a soul to make your heart shine, giving you a smile on your face every time & make you feel loved sincerely.

Zairul

Labels: book

zairul is my name &
karma is my game.

His Quote:

what goes around with me comes around you.

Sweetest Ecstasy

♦ Dudy Monteiro.
♦ Dudy's Tumblr.
♦ Hafiz Pendek.
♦ Subhi Illiyyin.
♦ Syakirchner Elise.
♦ Hedi Kikomori.
♥ Jaselin Gemok.
♥ Frah Anne.
♥ Maia Panda.
♥ Yidah Twinny.
♥ Farna Bimbo.
♥ Uffie Aosyki.
♥ Echa Boncet.
♦ Syairul Adams.
♦ Fyzzstro.

Individuals

Amelina.
Azmy.
Belle.
Din.
Echa.
Eicha.
Eydah.
Faizahh.
Fie.
Fir.
Irzan.
Ita.
Jaja.
Mei Ting.
Naim.
Natasha.
Nini.
Nisa.
Pearl.
Qayyum.
Rush.
Shah.
Shasha.
Shaq.
Sheeqeen.
Teko.
Yourlanda.
Yusry.
Zaidi.

May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012

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