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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Bleed. 
Thought I have moved on & got over you but as soon as my ex crush told me that you guys are dating, my heart shatters to pieces & tears started to fall from my eyes. I guess my heart didn't got over you yet. It's alright, I guess it's all my fault. If only I didn't accept your date, none of this wouldn't have happened. Now I'm hurt & my heart is bleeding profusely but then someone called me up just to make the bleeding stop. It was S. Everytime when we're on the phone, he always make me smile & laugh before he ends our call. If not, he won't wanna end this call til I feel all better again. He's such a sweetheart, don't you think? That's why he's special to me than anyone else in this world. Now, I feel all better again & after the emotions got out, I'm officially over you. But my heart feels empty & I'm all alone again. Gosh, my heart feels torn apart but I'm just gonna bear with this lonely feeling. I know my heart is strong & I don't need boys to heal my wounded heart cause it can heal all by itself. Just gonna wait for Love to come into my doorstep. Whatever it is, I will always love myself & no one can ever make me look down on myself again, no one. Labels: Bleed Sunday, September 26, 2010 Cold.  I know this feeling, this cold feeling that I'm having now. I ask my cold heart what's the problem & he shed a tear while saying this,"I miss tasting a human being's love." Lying down on the blanket while listening to my Ipod & SG's bestf, N was beside me sleeping. Suddenly I felt something stroking my hair, kept moving my head while closing my eyes. The strokes make my heart feel so relax & then, SG which is S, called me to sit beside him & watch a scary video together with him. I shooked my head & said that I wanted to lie down on the blanket while listening to my Ipod. He smiled & just watched the video. A few minutes later, he turned off the computer & came here to lie down with us. I was in the middle while S was on my left & N was on my right. S came tickling N, & N was laughing while he tried to grab S's hand. S told me to stroke his hair cause he just love it when I stroke his hair. I smiled & just stroke his hair for a little while. Then S started to disturb N again & N's head was around my neck & he kept moving his head. I started to feel arouse & quickly told N to stop moving his head cause his head was at my weakness spot which is my neck. He giggled & told S about it. S knew that my neck is my weakness spot, then N started to poke my neck. I laughed & said that poking wouldn't make me feel aroused at all. Then he slowly move his finger around my neck & I started to move my head. He giggled & moved his finger again. S grab N's hand & place it on my hips. I stared at S cause that was my other weakness spot & S just smiled but thankfully N didn't move his hand cause if he did then my breathing will start to turn heavy. Then N starts to move his head again which is near around my neck & I started to feel arouse again. Close my eyes & wanted to turn & taste his lips but when I almost got there, I turned my head away. Was afraid that I'll get used up, then N asked me if I'm good at seducing. I replied, " of course." while smiling so wide. He asked me how do I seduce someone. Then I asked him whether he wants me to give him a demo, he smiled & nodded. I laughed & suddenly S's mom called him & S went out of the room keeping the door closed. N just lay beside me & I started t feel cold. Told him that I was so cold & needed something to hug with. He gladly replied, "there, pillow." while showing himself that he's the pillow. I giggled & hugged him. Then I stroke his hair & he asked whether I love to stroke guys hair. I just nodded & he compliment me that the way I stroke is so nice. I smiled & continue stroking his hair. He then covered his face with his hand & I slowly started to move my hand down to his hips & I started to move my finger around it. I looked at him & saw him giving that wow look. I stopped & said, "& that is how you seduce a guy." while giving him the cheeky look. He giggled & said something, couldn't hear what he said & I told him to repeat it again. He said nothing & I quickly went closer to him & force him to spit it out. I let my right ear move closer to his lips & he then said, "what if .... " I smiled while staring at him & he just blushed while he stared at the ceiling. S came in & told me that Hafiz texted him what time will I reached home cause he is on his way home. I just replied, "Soon." Then S suggested me to go home now cause he do not want Hafiz to get worried. I nodded, took my stuff & S send me to the MRT station. Suddenly, I felt something changed slowly in my heart & it just turned cold. I know this feeling, this cold feeling. It's a sickness, a lovesick. Told S about it, & he told me to not expect it too much cause it sometimes won't happen. I shooked my head & said that I didn't expect anything but I'm just missing the taste of a human being's love. Reached MRT station & S told me to text him when I reached home. I nodded & waved goodbye to him & I just went off. Train arrived, went in & took a seat. After around 45 mins, train arrived & I boarded. Tap out & I just walk home. It was so cold, looked up & I saw a big round moon & a bright star in the night sky. That feeling was still in me & tears started to rise. I tried to ignore the pain & I managed. Got home, took a shower & lay down on my bed. S called me & we talk for awhile, he told me that after I left, N started to feel depressed. I was shocked & said that I should have kissed him. We laughed & I asked whether is it about his god brother. He answered, "Yes." & he told me that N was staring at the wall again. He was worried & I got even more worried, I was about to shed a tear but I just bear with the pain. I feel him. S told me to get some rest cause tomorrow I need to wake up for school. Gave him a sigh & just said, "Alright." Told him to tell N not to feel so heartbroken cause it won't help, the only thing he must do is to just move on. We both then hung up & I switched off the lights. Lay down on my bed & the feeling was still inside me. I closed my eyes trying to forget about my feelings & when I just closed my eyes, my right eye shed a tear. I guess I just miss love too much & I know that I won't have a second relationship with another man ever again cause my hope will always be Impossible. Labels: cold Dead dolls.   Every of this dead dolls have their own gruesome bloody history 
Labels: Dead dolls Friday, September 24, 2010 Mirror 'Interest'.  I wish there's a stranger in this world who have a lot of common interest as mine step into my life, cause then you might never know if we might fall deeply into love & have a long lasting relationship A wish from me to the twinkling stars shooting at night. A wish that I've been wanting, yea that's right. But I know I wouldn't get to see this at sight Cause I know it won't came true at all, I doubt it might. Sitting on my bed half naked while facing the window thinking when will love come into my doorstep. Not in need of love desperately but just a thinking of curiousity. A tiny hope that it would be soon, cause I kind of miss tasting a human's love. But then, this time my love that I wish for is kind of different cause what I wish for is kind of like a reflection of myself. Not saying that I want a human that looks like me. No, not a mirror image but a mirror interest. Yes, the same interest as mine cause I know that we will have a long lasting relationship. But I don't want our interest to be exactly the same cause then, I know our relationship will be kind of boring. What I mean is that, as long as it's Love he's mostly interested in like myself, creating love quotes, reading love books, putting love as a first priority, & being so emotional, so soft hearted in Love, then that won't be a boring relationship. But I doubt it will happen cause it's kind of rare to find someone who have the same interest as mine unless you're lucky enough to find one. It's kind of like we're rare diamonds in a small world full of common people. Nowadays, people tend to not get so interested in Love anymore but instead they just use, throw & go. This is what we called, heartless souls. To them, we're the toys & they're the toddlers that will just play us around & throw us away after they got bored with us. Well, what can we do? The only thing we can do is just to move on & forget about it even though it hurts a lot. They just seem to not realized how fresh the love that we've given to them is & how rotten the love they've given to us is. I just hope that one day, this mirror interest will come to my doorstep cause I know I don't deserve to be treated like a toy & so do you. Labels: reflection Thursday, September 23, 2010 why u look so cute? gege.. :P RANDOM LA! Wednesday, September 22, 2010 Love.  I won't leave you alone in a dark room but instead I'll be there hugging you tightly protecting you from the darkness, making you feel so secure Heard the little patter on the window? Yes, the black clouds are pouring rain. Sitting down on my mattress while letting my brain work trying to figure out what to blog & my mind was a total blank. So I decided to post a status in my facebook profile telling my friends to ask me any questions related to anything but I would love to especially hear questions about love cause love is always a favourite topic in my list & here are the very few people who asked me a few questions about love & my personal life: What is Love? - Indaa Feneh Well Indaa, there are many meanings behind the word Love & one of them is to have a strong positive emotion of regard & affection towards someone. What's the most saddest, happiest & precious thing that had happened in your life? - Fie The most saddest thing that is to happened is that I have a never ending misery in my cold life & til now I'm still suffering from this pain but I can still manage from it. Happiest? Well, so far there's nothing that have ever make me smile sincerely yet cause even though people out there have seen me smile, they do not know that my heart is still crying from the pain that I'm still facing from then til now. Precious thing? My precious things are living humans like my grandmother, my aunts, my sweetest clans which is my best friends & my gay clans & of course, my future lover. Why are you in love with a guy instead of a girl? What happen & what is so fun having a guy to guy relationship? - Ita Well, that is a good question. Let me tell you some parts of my past life. In my childhood days, I wasn't like any of you, having fun with friends & not having a miserable childhood but instead I didn't have any friends at all & yes, my childhood days were quite miserable. I got an older brother who's age is around 16 then, but my biological mother isn't his biological mother but instead, my mother is her step-mother. That means he wasn't born through my mother's tummy but instead, on someone elses. My dad got married with another lady before my mother, they both divorce & he then remarried with my mother. So as I was saying, my brother was staying at our house & things were fine til he molested me a few times & it was such chaos. He forced me to do oral sex with him & it was a no choice for me so I have to do it. The next one was I moved in at my aunt's crib cause my aunt wanted to take care of me so badly so it was none of a choice for my mother that she had to let her take care of me. Thought things were fine then, til I met my older cousin's friend & he too molested me a few times & the worse part is that my brother wanted to stay there just to have fun with me. So I was a pure gay then til I met a few girls a few years later so I started to have feelings for them & I'm not a pure gay anymore but instead I'm a bisexual. So not to worry cause I have feelings for girls too & I have 5 ex girlfriends for your info. And the purpose of me having a boy to boy relationship is not because of fun as you label it but instead because of some reasons I chose to stick to boy now. To be frank with you, it's quite hurting too to be in a relationship with a boy so your question will be answered on the next question. What happen when we pretend to fall out love because we wanted to show him/her we're strong enough to face a break up when we're actually still in love? - Nisa A flashback came into my mind after reading your question & it was an unexpected flashback cause the flashback was about us when we were in a relationship. I don't know whether you wanted to break up with me because you wanted to show that you girls are strong enough to face one break up cause if it was for me, that will be the most cruel thing you can ever done to me as I really gave all my love & care for you but in the end you gave me this, that shows that you really weren't in love but instead you're just trying to test yourself, in another word, used me instead. What for must you prove to boys that you're strong enough to face one break up when this shows that you really aren't. Sorry to say this but doing all this is the baddest thing you could have ever done cause you really do not know how I've gone through. I really was in love with you deeply & I really did stick to only you but when you said you wanted to end this, my heart really shattered to pieces & I got really depress til I hurt myself plenty of times. It took me almost a month to get over you & it was unbearable. Do you know how hard it is to go through this heartbreaking process? My mind got so stress up because of the breaking up that I started to fall for guys instead. When I was with you, I really did turn to straight & I wanted to introduce you to my parents cause I've been telling them about you, that you're th perfect one but everything turn out unexpectedly & my parents ask when am I gonna introduce you to them. I was speechless & after that I didn't want to be in a relationship with girls then. The new feeling that I had after what had happened between us got me curious to want to explore about the gay world more so I did & now I can never turn back til another girl that can make me fall for her came into my life & that will be quite rare to find. It's not only me that have become like this, a few of my friends turned to gays/bisexual because of this kind of relationship they get from girls. So let me tell you this, before you do anything unnecassary in a relationship, think hard before you do it cause you might never know if it'll effect someone's life. If you really didn't left me for proving to boys that girls are strong enough, still it was unnecassary for you to end it that way cause I really did my part & you didn't realized that but thanks anyway, I really enjoyed having sweet moments together with you & our sweet moments are still kept locked in my fragile heart. Hope you'll have a wonderful & a better relationship now cause I know you do. Just try not to play with boys feelings alright? I know you're strong, you just have to believe in yourself. Questions have already been answered. So now you know about my life & about love. Feel free to ask me anymore questions in the formspring on the right of the screen. Will update again soon. Goodbye dear readers. Labels: love Tuesday, September 21, 2010 What's the worst vice that you have? Monday, September 20, 2010 Leo & Taurus.  Communication can overcome natural differences in this combination between earth and fire and these differences can become strengths in a rewarding & loving relationship As a Leo, you have a fiery and impulsive nature. You can be quite stubborn and fixed in your ways and your Taurean partner will be able to relate to this side of your personality. But perhaps you will find that you tend to be a bit more adventurous than your Taurean lover. Leo Taurus Compatibility Astrology You both actually have quite powerful and dominant natures. Therefore, if you share similar aims and interests, you could go far as a team. However, should your partner ever show the more stubborn and jealous side of his or her nature, you might not feel very happy. On the other hand, should you show the more tyrannical side of your nature, problems may develop. But let's stop dwelling on the negative side of this relationship and I'll tell you some of the positive points. Leo/Taurus as Friends and Lovers Taurus is a practical, down-to-earth and determined person. You always know exactly where you stand with your Taurean lover and you like this a lot. You can trust Taurus to fulfil all the promises he or she makes to you and you know that Taurus has a lot to give when it comes to passion and emotional satisfaction. When you work together, you work at similar speeds so teamwork is possible. Sometimes you might think a little quicker than your Taurean partner - who likes to consider every detail - but you're happy to wait until they've caught up with you. What you like about your Taurean is the way they notice little things that you may have overlooked and this helps save you from making mistakes and looking bad. In one way or another, you probably have a lot to thank your Taurean for. Leo Taurus Relationship Match You are a sociable person and Taurus will get on well with all your friends and acquaintances. At the same time, Taurus adores the time you spend alone together. Taurus needs lots of loving, lots of hugs and cuddles and all the words of affection you can think of making. Taurus is responsible and conscientious. Taurus needs to feel that this romance is secure and when you have earned your Taurean's trust, he or she will stand by you through thick and thin. Your Taurus can be quite stubborn but then again, if you're honest, you probably have to admit you can be equally so! But there are so many things you admire about your partner's personality including their basically hard-working and practical view of life. You enjoy your little luxuries and the nice thing is that your Taurus partner also likes a good excuse every once in a while to forget responsibilities for a while and enjoy a really good binge. A night out in a top class restaurant, or splurging on a luxury item you would both love but perhaps can't afford will be fun. And because you both understand each other's need to sometimes give way to this more materialistic side to your personalities, there's be no need to feel so guilty. Physically, you're extremely compatible. Neither of you should have any complaints about that side of an already quite interesting relationship. Labels: Leo and Taurus Sunday, September 19, 2010 Scared. 
Just came back from watching movies with my special guy & his bestfriend. Special guy wanted to watch 'Devil' since he said that it's kind of interesting after he read about it. Thought it's going to be boring so just in case, I brought my Perfect Love book along but when we watch th movie, it was so damn scary til I cover up my face with my book while holding my special guy's hand tightly but there's one point where I hugged his bestfriend's arm. Gosh, it was so embarrassing. He just smiled at me & said, " There's nothing to be afraid of. " I just smile back & it kind of make me melt cause I could feel th hard muscles when I was hugging his arms. Gosh. To be honest, his bestfriend is just drop dead cutest! He is short, his jokes are effingly cute & the way he smile is just so cute but what makes my eyes can't lay off him is his mesmerizing eyes. It's so small & cute! He's CUTE in every way but I doubt he would wanna know me. It's alright, I don't have any hopes on this type of guys. Well after we watched th movie, we went to Burger King to eat. I ate dessert while they ate chicken drumlets & french fries. After we ate, we head off home. Special guy & I went off to take th train while his bestfriend head home by walking cause his crib is just nearby. Well, at least I had fun with the both of them & I get to meet my special guy. Can't wait to meet him or both of them again. Goodbye. Labels: Movie Saturday, September 18, 2010 Life.  I need your right hand to be placed right beside my left hand to make it a whole heart symbol again
Labels: life Friday, September 17, 2010 Which do you prefer: Sunrise or Sunset? Saturday, September 11, 2010 Leo's Best Match.  Two fires signs coming together makes for an explosion of lively passion, adventure and impulsiveness. For a Leo, life should be exciting and spontaneous. The last thing you want from romance is a relationship where the two partners are so wrapped up in each other that they shut themselves off from the rest of the world. If you've ever had a relationship with a Piscean or a Cancerian, you'll understand what I'm talking about. You want a partner who will offer excitement and adventure. Someone to share all areas of your life: your hobbies & interests, your friendships & your outdoor activities. Some people don't get to experience such compatibility in romance but with an Aries partner, you've found the person you've been searching for all your life. Leo Aries Compatibility Astrology Both Aries and Leo are outgoing signs. You will prefer to be out and about, mixing and mingling with others, rather than staying at home. In romance, you will like to feel you can follow your inclinations without a partner who wants to know your every move and your every reason for doing the things that you do. Leo will be happy to give you this personal freedom. Aries won't cling to you like glue. Aries loves to be a part of a crowd and in fact, when you're at a party, a club or a disco, it won't be easy to keep tabs on where your partner happens to be. But just as long as they leave with you, you'll be happy! Leo Aries Sexual Compatibility People born under Fire signs are passionate and loving. Both partners will enjoy the physical side of this relationship. It might even be that if you're counting, you'll give your Leo ten out of ten for being the most romantic and hottest lover you've ever been with. But the good thing is, as I've already said, you have so much more in common than that chemical, sexual attraction. You're good friends. You give each other advice when it's ever needed. You enjoy spending each other's money and you can both be a little impetuous when it comes to enjoying the good things in life. Leo/Aries Relationship Summary Now although perhaps your Aries partner isn't as steadfast as yourself in that, they can easily become distracted when more interesting things come along, on the whole, your relationship should be rather a good one. You are both freedom-loving signs. You each like to have more than one iron in the fire and although there are times when you do enjoy your home-life, you'd grow bored if you didn't have something exciting to look forward to every once in a while. Your Aries partner will provide you with this element of exhilaration which will help add spark to your usual routines. As lovers, you know how to please each other. You're both very 'physical' people and you aren't shy about demonstrating your affections. You'll be as adventurous in this area of your life as you are everywhere else. There are so many interests and activities you will enjoy together and this should make for a complementary, contented and probably long-lasting relationship. Well, this is what I've research on "Leo's best love match" & it's Aries. I love to look up on horoscope & read up on their characteristic. I sort of believe in this horoscope. I don't bother what other's say about horoscope is such a fake but to me, it is. Every time I read about the daily horoscope, it really happened. I will seriously wanna date with a Aries cause they say that it's the best match & they can last long in relationships. I just hope an Aries will step into my life one day. Will wait for it. Can't wait to feel the feeling of an Aries love. Labels: best love match Tuesday, September 7, 2010 Pain.  I rather see myself suffer in pain than seeing you suffer in pain cause as long as you're smiling, pain is nothing but just a small cut on my finger At the foot of the block, the wind blew strong touching my thick skin & I close my eyes feeling so calm with an empty mind. Then you came into my mind all of a sudden, a flashback appeared & it was yesterday night. My heart was in pain after what you've said. Few teardrops came rolling & I still manage to control my tears. You're hurt & it's not a problem to you but it is for me cause I hate seeing someone in pain when they're suppose to smile like they always do. I wouldn't mind seeing myself hurt, as long as I could see that wide smile on your face, pain is nothing but just a small cut on my finger but you chose not to listen. You just want what you really want & you don't even care if it caused pain, just as long as it can grant what you want, you're just gonna ignore the pain. I wish you would listen & just forget about what others think about you cause you are not what they think, to me you're just a beautiful angel that came down from the blue sky. Never have I care someone this much til you appear in my life. You just can't make me stop smiling & I feel so bless to have someone special like you to give me all your care & concern. It's like a gift from god, a very special one. You're my one & only special ecstasy & I will do my best to make you smile. Will be with you til the end cause seeing you smile makes my life even more brighter. You're always in my mind even in my dreams at times & when I open my eyes, the first thing I would already have done is smile. Oh, what a beautiful dream to have you around. I can't wait to meet you & just give you a warmth hug. Just wanna spend all my time with you fixing your broken heart & til your frown turn upside down. P.S: A song is stuck in my mind & I would wanna dedicate that song to you. Hope you'll like it cause it's only meant for you, will let you listen to it on our first meeting. Labels: hurts Saturday, September 4, 2010 What's the main thing in your mind right now? Why? Love, Life & Myself. Thursday, September 2, 2010 Missing Love.  I miss falling in Love & get drunk again 'N' Level is just a few days away & I can still shake my leg & do my own stuff. Well, I should start revising then just go slacking around in town or wherever. Already start to revise my Science & English, I should focus more on Science instead of English cause seriously, I almost pass my prelims for Science. Damn! It's okay, there's still 'N' Level. Oh gosh, focus zairul! It's been a few months since I've not fallen in Love & I kinda miss it quite a lot. Well, I know I should concentrate on my studies but a little Love won't hurt right? I can wait... I'm a very patient type of guy even though sometimes waiting for some stranger is just a waste of time. Well you might never know if he got feelings popping out all of a sudden. Enough Love talks. I should end this talking now. Will update my blog soon. Lots of Love, Zairul Labels: love Wednesday, September 1, 2010 Incomplete heart.  My heart is incomplete, & the only missing piece left is just you. Currently not dating anymore. What happen to that guy that I've recently dating? Oh told him everything. Like I said, I'm straight forward so I can't date with him anymore. I don't have that feeling of Love. I just want us to be friends but he chose to be stubborn & want us to be something more so I just left him. We talk on the phone about this matter for like 6 hours then I gave up & just set him free, it's better losing him then continue arguing about this matter. In the end, when we hung up & agreed to not contact each other again, he came texting & calling me saying he wants me back & just give him another chance. I just ignored & move on. I know Love have came into my doorstep but I don't feel the love towards you so why continue hiding this empty feeling from you when I can just tell you & we could just be friends. You were hurt, heartbroken & tears came running down. You said karma will strike me but I didn't intend to hurt you this way so this is just nature. Karma will hurt me only if I had treat you badly but I didn't, you did twice & that was our first date. Please don't use my word if you do not know the meaning behind it. Well, I just hope you found your perfect one. My apologies. Sincerely, Zairul Labels: Incomplete |
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