Karma is my game

A single touch.

A single touch can either mend everything or just break it all to tiny pieces

April is ending & May is reaching. Still jobless, still crawling through this hurting life of mine, trying to find a job just to support myself. My money that I've received from PAYM due to the performance I did in Chingay is running low. Browse every newspaper & there's no job that's suitable for me. These past few days, I've been spending a whole lot of time with my beloved brother & I'm blessed to have a lovable brother named, Dudy Iskandarsyah. He's always there for me, to annoy me, wipe away all of my tears when I'm crying, cheer me up by making funny faces when I'm sulking or when I'm in raging fire. I love him to bits & pieces of the heart. Every time when the moment we need to go off home in separate ways, my heart will start to develop that missing feeling towards him.

As hours passed by, I'll start to feel insecure, lonely without his presence but I need to bear all these emotions & not let them control me or I'll self-mutilate myself. Though love has not touched me, at least I have a brother to love, & be loved. I appreciate with all my heart for what God has given me. Though we're not living in the same flat, we will in the future once we got a proper job. There's been a whole lot of pain striking my heart now but I've been bearing it with all my might. Holding on to my tears pretty tight, grabbing myself & just standing strong, trying to pretend that everything's going to be fine.

Closing my vulnerable heart, closing it tight while letting all my beautiful & fragile feelings inside, keeping it deep inside, not letting any soul to find them. I'm so tiresome, I don't want to love any longer. I don't want to held any stranger's hand. I don't want to date & have the honeymoon period. It's time for me to think for myself first, set everything stable & for now, spend every second of my time with my precious souls.

I know that deep down inside, I miss how the eyes would connect the other, how the lips met the other, how the tongue would just linger down my neck while I pulled his delicate hair, closing my eyes tight, thinking that it's just me & him in this world with no one else caught at sight. How the lovely cupids would fly around us & shoot arrows at our butts, officially giving a sign that we're making the beautiful love. The passion you felt inside your heart while you're doing it rather than you feel so empty, like there's nothing special inside between the both of you.

But all these, I got to stop thinking about it, let them be placed aside cause I can get this when the time comes. Let fate brings them to me, I don't want to find love any longer, let it touch my heart by itself. Let nature conquer everything.

Labels: touch

Burning lies.

All you gave me were burning lies & now I'm on my knees, crying while my heart is in pain after what you've given me, but you'll get this pain back sooner or later, just wait & see cause karma do exist in this cruel world

I felt something was not right. I got all blue & teary all of a sudden. I got off with my friends & took a long ride bus home with Jannah. She told me about her love problem & I just listened, giving her some of my words before she continue blasting off all the fiery in her. After a while, she switched on her phone to see if she were to receive texts from anyone. There were a few & one of it was from her lover. " Baby, just to let you know... I love you so much. "

My heart felt so warm, a tear almost dripped from my eyes but I chose to hold it back. I told her not to be in a fiery state cause there's no point if both party will not sit down & talk about what have been keeping inside them that makes em' feel all so burn up. She nodded & continue with her story & after a few minutes, we all got silent, for that moment we're in the bus, the bus was filled with silence except for the music that went blasting off from my earpiece. Other than that, there weren't any talking, no laughter, nothing. My mind contemplate so deep, I felt something wasn't right.

Reached to my stop & slowly I walk home, looking up at the clear night sky. Oh what a breeze, the way it touches my hair. Reached to my door step & I unlock the gate & door, slowly stepping in the house. Turned on the laptop & browse through Facebook, my prediction was right.

Dear You,

For 8 months I've waited, 8 months it all got wasted. You lied, you turn my heart to ashes. You used me up & throw me away once you're done with me. You tried to make things up that doesn't even exist in this world to defend yourself. You tried to change the label on someone to something so impossible. You spread all your non-existent facts to the world so that you will be pampered by them, get all the attention you need. Your mentality is so bad, you're so covered up with all the negative emotions that you can't even control yourself. They just got in the way & ruined you.

So much for dying after 7 years from 2002 onwards. A big liar you are, so cunning. Now after every of your hidden truths have been placed right here on my hands, you created more stories & spread to your friends, making them placed hatred on me. Now, you want to find me together with your friends & throw all your rage on me, letting me hurt physically when I've been hurt more than enough inside. Your maturity level is so low, I'm rather disappointed. I'll just pray to God that your condition won't worsen cause I really do have a pity on you. Please try to upgrade your mind and control whatever you are doing.

Don't let your big ego that is way off the chart to get in the way, don't be so selfish cause whatever you do, more negative happenings will strike you hard. Stop complaining & start changing. I'm not being a drama boy here but whatever I say is true, no lies, just facts. Stop living in your own world & start facing the reality. And so, if you want to mutilate me so badly, you may proceed. I'm not afraid of you. All I know is you're caught up in that mental state, you're just too depressed. You can't even control yourself. You're not strong at all, you're so weak. Yes, a cancer who have a hard skin, but deep inside, you're soft & weak. Whatever you want to do to me, nothing will change in reality, even if you feel the satisfaction after hurting me. Still, you will be labelled as a big liar. A man who is full of burning lies.

Before I leave this post, I believe you're familiar with this sentence:

" Depression has drown you & you'll never realized til now. "

Sincerely,
Zairul

Labels: Burn

Dear Single souls.

Dear single souls, don't let your cold tears fall when your beautiful past conquered your mind, instead you should just take a step forward to the future & smile cause you'll know that God will make your future a brighter & more beautiful than what have past

Its going to strike 8 months, sitting here on the ground, waiting for you to come back to me. I rejected love from every soul that wanted me to be in their arms cause my love is only meant for you. I bear this lonely pain & the missing feeling of being with you by spending time with my loved ones. 1st of April has past & my mind is still setting on you til someone chatted with me through online. He questioned me what you & I did & I questioned him back, " Who are you to him? " And when he replied & told me the story he did with you, my eyes were reddened, my hands were shivering & tears were rising.

My mind totally got blank, my mouth ran out of words & my jar of hearts just dropped & scattered to pieces. A tear went running down my cheek, I just couldn't believe what he just said. My body just broke down & all I could do was hold back these tears, trying to be strong. Everything we did, I thought it's only going to be you & me, but then you came sleeping with another soul, not one but two. I should've known. All the hurting truths finally revealed, all to be seen right in front of my eyes. All the hurting words, captured in mind. Couldn't believe that you did all these when I'm not with you. All the love I kept, all the things I did, all the waiting I've done, everything is all wasted.

That's not all, yesterday a guy added me up in Facebook. He pm me, saying thanks & stuff. I mentioned out your name since I saw your pictures with him. We chatted & finally, more hurting truths were revealed. That guy who added me up, is none other than your lover whom you're together with for more than a year. I gave myself some silent moments & out of the blue, I came tearing. What have I done? When I was with you, you were still with him. I got so down that I can just bend down on my knees, crying while covering this cracked face of mine. Where can I hide this slutty face? Such a filthy slut. Loving another man who is already in someone's arms. Now, I pack my feelings & tears away & move on to another place where you wouldn't even exist.

This is a lesson learnt that we single souls shouldn't wait for anyone too long cause you might never know in the end that your efforts will end up nothing. I've learnt that though no one is holding you in their arms with your jar of hearts, at least you got your loved ones around you, to make you laugh when you're in tears, make you smile when you're down & will do anything for you just to see that beautiful smile drawn on your face. Yes, I was in tears yesterday morning which was past midnight & my brother was there for me, hugging me tight then kissed my forehead, telling me that everything's going to be fine, just let the tears dropped til there's no more left for him. I smiled after that & tell him that this tear that has fallen from my eyes, that is the very last one. Now it's time to give him a goodbye & its time for me to move on. " You should realized that is it worth holding on? " That was the sentence my dear brother gave & it got my mind running. I regret staying & not making a move to the future. But now, I've already gave my last tear & a farewell goodbye to him on the 2nd day of April.

Its time for me to move on into the future, though love won't be at sight. At least my dear loved ones are here around me, making me smile when I'm down, standing up for me when they know I'm not in the wrong, scolding me when I did something wrong, advice me when I'm in need of help, hugging me tight when I'm in need of some warmth, or when I'm in tears. I'm touched to have this kind souls. For now, love will be placed aside cause I don't need it that much. To me, Love is just a bonus in life. Just hold on tight to the ones who love you truly & let go of the ones who just want you to be someone you are not, & those souls are just shadows.

I still won't ever forget what he did to me. So foolish of me to love him, to even trust him. How I wish I don't even know him so that I won't get this kind of feelings in the end. But all I can do is just get back up on my two feet & move on. I may never trust guys again like how I used to trust them & especially you, I can never trust you again. May you have a very good life ahead.

Farewell,
Zairul

Labels: Single

zairul is my name &
karma is my game.

His Quote:

what goes around with me comes around you.

Sweetest Ecstasy

♦ Dudy Monteiro.
♦ Dudy's Tumblr.
♦ Hafiz Pendek.
♦ Subhi Illiyyin.
♦ Syakirchner Elise.
♦ Hedi Kikomori.
♥ Jaselin Gemok.
♥ Frah Anne.
♥ Maia Panda.
♥ Yidah Twinny.
♥ Farna Bimbo.
♥ Uffie Aosyki.
♥ Echa Boncet.
♦ Syairul Adams.
♦ Fyzzstro.

Individuals

Amelina.
Azmy.
Belle.
Din.
Echa.
Eicha.
Eydah.
Faizahh.
Fie.
Fir.
Irzan.
Ita.
Jaja.
Mei Ting.
Naim.
Natasha.
Nini.
Nisa.
Pearl.
Qayyum.
Rush.
Shah.
Shasha.
Shaq.
Sheeqeen.
Teko.
Yourlanda.
Yusry.
Zaidi.

May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012

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