Karma is my game

Staying strong as a single soul.

Walking through that path in life all alone, though you felt parts of the pieces missing in your heart, still you just carry on, step by step bearing all those emptiness in you

I tried everything at home. I cleaned up the kitchen, washed the laundries, scrub the toilet, everything, but all I get from her is just pain, I suck it up & just talk to her in a normal tone. Sometimes, just ignore her all the way. I've controlled my anger, I've changed & I realized that myself but she thinks that I'm raising my voice, being rude & all. All these tears that I'm carrying with me. I don't want to let go, I just can't. It hurts living in a house which no one is ever going to give you that fairness. I know life is unfair but when it comes to rules in the house, it can be fair. Her words are just temporary, I kept my words but she kept none. Well, what can I say, she's old, her depression is in a pretty bad state.

Now I'm slowly searching for a job again. Everything's all stressed up for me & the only thing that can make me go cool is attending dance practice with my crew. At times when I'm alone, my mind will go wander off in the past, & my heart will start to turn cold, everything around me will turned dark. That missing feeling will reappear & thorns will start pricking my heart. Then I'll just plugged in my earpieces & played a memorable song, there it'll all begun, that beautiful feeling reappeared from the past. It felt so good, but the only feeling I do not like is missing that soul that was in my past. I still love him though but its just that, I just don't want it to appear or my hands will go itchy again, wanting to text him & meet him again.

Being single can be lonely at times, you'll miss the past & of course love but sometimes, it's best being single for now & set everything right for yourself, then from there, after everything's done, you can go on a date & not needing to have that worried feeling about yourself, like money especially. Sometimes, these type of questions tend to reappear out of the blue," Who is going to be my lover? " " How is s/he going to look like? " " Is s/he going to be the one that going to love me so much more than how I'm going to love him/her? " & " Is s/he going to be the one that is going to be afraid of losing me most? " Or " Is s/he going to be like my past stains, hurt me, tear me apart, like a heart breaker? "

But then, I just placed all these questions aside & continue whatever is need to be done cause all those questions will be answered in the future eventually. I just hope that things will be fine soon cause I really can't bear this any longer. Dear God, I just hope that you're going to end this suffering sooner or later, how long more do you want me to be in this state? Waiting patiently, meanwhile, I'm trying to find every way to solve all my shits.

Labels: Single

Dear Single souls.

Dear single souls, don't let your cold tears fall when your beautiful past conquered your mind, instead you should just take a step forward to the future & smile cause you'll know that God will make your future a brighter & more beautiful than what have past

Its going to strike 8 months, sitting here on the ground, waiting for you to come back to me. I rejected love from every soul that wanted me to be in their arms cause my love is only meant for you. I bear this lonely pain & the missing feeling of being with you by spending time with my loved ones. 1st of April has past & my mind is still setting on you til someone chatted with me through online. He questioned me what you & I did & I questioned him back, " Who are you to him? " And when he replied & told me the story he did with you, my eyes were reddened, my hands were shivering & tears were rising.

My mind totally got blank, my mouth ran out of words & my jar of hearts just dropped & scattered to pieces. A tear went running down my cheek, I just couldn't believe what he just said. My body just broke down & all I could do was hold back these tears, trying to be strong. Everything we did, I thought it's only going to be you & me, but then you came sleeping with another soul, not one but two. I should've known. All the hurting truths finally revealed, all to be seen right in front of my eyes. All the hurting words, captured in mind. Couldn't believe that you did all these when I'm not with you. All the love I kept, all the things I did, all the waiting I've done, everything is all wasted.

That's not all, yesterday a guy added me up in Facebook. He pm me, saying thanks & stuff. I mentioned out your name since I saw your pictures with him. We chatted & finally, more hurting truths were revealed. That guy who added me up, is none other than your lover whom you're together with for more than a year. I gave myself some silent moments & out of the blue, I came tearing. What have I done? When I was with you, you were still with him. I got so down that I can just bend down on my knees, crying while covering this cracked face of mine. Where can I hide this slutty face? Such a filthy slut. Loving another man who is already in someone's arms. Now, I pack my feelings & tears away & move on to another place where you wouldn't even exist.

This is a lesson learnt that we single souls shouldn't wait for anyone too long cause you might never know in the end that your efforts will end up nothing. I've learnt that though no one is holding you in their arms with your jar of hearts, at least you got your loved ones around you, to make you laugh when you're in tears, make you smile when you're down & will do anything for you just to see that beautiful smile drawn on your face. Yes, I was in tears yesterday morning which was past midnight & my brother was there for me, hugging me tight then kissed my forehead, telling me that everything's going to be fine, just let the tears dropped til there's no more left for him. I smiled after that & tell him that this tear that has fallen from my eyes, that is the very last one. Now it's time to give him a goodbye & its time for me to move on. " You should realized that is it worth holding on? " That was the sentence my dear brother gave & it got my mind running. I regret staying & not making a move to the future. But now, I've already gave my last tear & a farewell goodbye to him on the 2nd day of April.

Its time for me to move on into the future, though love won't be at sight. At least my dear loved ones are here around me, making me smile when I'm down, standing up for me when they know I'm not in the wrong, scolding me when I did something wrong, advice me when I'm in need of help, hugging me tight when I'm in need of some warmth, or when I'm in tears. I'm touched to have this kind souls. For now, love will be placed aside cause I don't need it that much. To me, Love is just a bonus in life. Just hold on tight to the ones who love you truly & let go of the ones who just want you to be someone you are not, & those souls are just shadows.

I still won't ever forget what he did to me. So foolish of me to love him, to even trust him. How I wish I don't even know him so that I won't get this kind of feelings in the end. But all I can do is just get back up on my two feet & move on. I may never trust guys again like how I used to trust them & especially you, I can never trust you again. May you have a very good life ahead.

Farewell,
Zairul

Labels: Single

zairul is my name &
karma is my game.

His Quote:

what goes around with me comes around you.

Sweetest Ecstasy

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