Karma is my game

Broken pieces.

Trying to merge these broken pieces of my heart & once done, being more cautious is what I will become

Lay down on the hard ground, alone in the cold dark. Opened my eyes, got back up on my two feet & I started to run. Ran as fast as I can while I pushed everything that is on my way, trying to search for a light. Holding on to my strength, I could not bear to look back. I have to get out of this pain. So then, I paused for awhile, just stood there.. Thinking.. Should I let myself be uncovered... For I know I am going to fall again if ever I make the wrong decision, & I have to face it alone like how I have been facing alone throughout my life.

What is the difference anyway between leaving everything & getting to feel pain alone & being with the people around you whom you loved, & getting to feel pain alone, still?

Now, don't be silly. You know you are thinking like a kid again, Zairul. Sigh. But never in my life have I ever feel that I have been purely love by someone. Never in my life have I ever feel special like how I made someone or at least, a number of them, my special one. You know, looking at the kids playing around at the foot of the block, made me smile sometimes. They are very lucky to have that childhood life like how every kid supposed to get. For I know only one, at least, who have a childhood moment which have been in one huge disruption caused by a few heartless human beings.

At times, when I had that flashback playing through my mind, whenever I see that young innocent kid, aged five through that familiar place, where he got touched in a manner where it can kill your heart & mind. I have that huge pity for that young kid. He does not have a good childhood life. Having fishes & other harmless creatures as his friends. Getting bullied so badly in school, at home or anywhere else. Not getting to feel that beautiful love from his own mother & father. For more than two goddamn years, he struggled, he tried many ways to be strong, he kept everything that had happened to him, to himself.

Such a young age, I just cannot believe those things they did can kill him mentally. I know he has never hold grudges on them, but seeing them now, made him have that huge impact of the pain from the past. He will be afraid & at times shed tears. It is a huge challenge to let something so heavy go, especially when it has caused you too much corruption in mind & heart. " How can you ever forget that heavy feeling even when they are around me? ", he asked. How do I know & understand all his pain? Well, that young kid, was me.

But it is fine. Just as long as I will not see them at sight or somebody mentioning their name. I will be fine. Though after I left that hideous place, the misery continued... Violence hit me hard every time a mistake or not, have I done. From a step father so cruel. Who am I to bother about him anymore since I am no longer living with him? Twelve years & seven months have I gone through pain. Oh why should I bother? Why am I being so sensitive? Well, looked back through my life, I will not be this way if the shits from my past would not happen. That does not mean I'm living life with regrets, no.

At least I know, that I am kind to others & my goal in life is to make the ones I loved, or not smile before I closed my very eyes. Quite impossible huh? Well, to me.. Or to some people in this world, we say nothing is impossible. Have a good night.

Labels: Broken, Heart

Broken.

Everything's been spoken, all I get is just being broken

Looked up at the bright night sky while walking alone through the silent streets with my face so blue, going back home with the wind breathing through my skin. I hold on to my heavy tears, trying to be strong like heart made of steel. I tried to distract myself by looking up at stars seeing how beautiful when they twinkle, I tried to be at eased by lighting up a cigarette & smoke it til it's all done. I tried every single thing, but all I get is just the same old bloody pain.

How can I pretend not to give a single damn thing about you when I've been giving you all my damn ever since? I apologies to you on that very occasion & I mean what I say. I told you that if you were to dislike what I am doing, tell me & I won't asked you again. Like I said, I won't force you cause I'm just asking... But what is it that you think that you're a slave or a bitch? I mean, asking you out with me & all, it shows that I want to spend my time with you. Whichever part is that a slave? If you don't want to, tell me.. Don't just go out with me, insincerely. I mean, what for?

You yourself tell me that you'll accompany me to take my things & when I called you on that very day, you said you can't, I understand that. I told you to call me yesterday cause we need to talk, you think that I'm treating you like a bitch. Is it wrong to just call me? I mean, why are you thinking this way? You told me that I can joined you to go Club, last Thursday. I waited for your call, I was so eager cause I want to dance with you, it has been so long we've not dance together but not a single call was made from you. I messaged you but still, no response.

I got pissed, it all became so blue to me on that night but eventually, I got over it. I just asked you why didn't you call me & there you go saying that I'm treating you like a slave. I'm very sorry if you think that I'm treating you like one when actually, I've never been having that mindset to treat you that way. I love you & if I could, I want to spend all my entire time with you but all I can see is that, you're a priority to me & I'm just an option in your life.

I don't even know why am I being so nice & caring to the people I loved when in return, I get nothing. I just wish I don't owned a nice heart. I give up caring for you, really I do. This time, I rest my case, I'll just take all the fault, I'll just agree that I'm treating you like a slave. I just want all this to end cause I don't want you to hide yourself from me again, but this time, I won't bother you anymore. If that is what you want, I won't be a pain in your heart anymore. Yes I teared yesterday when I read your statuses, so I shall not do my part as a brother anymore.

I'll leave you alone, just don't hide yourself again. A small favor from me to you. If you can't do this favor, then I got no words to say. Just don't do anything that can caused your heart to break into a zillion pieces. I love you Abang ( big brother ), always have, always will.

Yesterday, I've been going through a very rough day. I just hope today will be a new day for me.

Labels: Broken

A broken soul.

As time passed by, the urge of wanting to move on gets a lot more tougher, when it gets tough, negative emotions conquered the heart, when it conquered, self-mutilation occurred, & when it have occurred, the heart cries while waiting for the right reasons to spill out from you so that he can take a step forward to moving on after hearing all the right reasons, but til then, he is just left as a broken soul

I have a close friend, a close friend who's always down with life full of black & white. The one who have similar personalities/thinking/likes/dislikes with me [ well almost everything ] & we just labelled ourself as twin hearts cause even though we do not have similar looks but our inner self are almost the same. His lonely heart always cry for love every late night, cold tears will rised & just run down through his cheeks while his mind is playing of those lovely memories with the one he loves most. Everything went so smoothly back then, even though they have made big arguements, but still in the end, they will went back together as one piece again. As time passed by, arguements were made between his lover & his lover's bestfriend. Then a few days past, their love went weak & sadness occurred. In the end, everything turned out as chaos & his lover left him without any reasons given. Now he is just left as a broken soul with a curious mind running around everytime. Unexpected thoughts occurred through his mind & he wouldn't want it to be the reason of his lover's leaving his life.

Then more thoughts came appearing in his mind & as time passed by, the problems he kept to himself got more & more heavier til he can't take it any longer. He want to set everything right, he wants to move on, but without answers given, he is still stuck in the past & never want to step into the future. Days past & answers slowly revealed through online & turned out that his lover is now in someone's hand. Things got more confusing to him cause when he dated his lover, did he go mingling around with another soul or did he even love him in the first place? Questions are still kept in mind & it will be revealed soon enough.

I just want to say that whatever the reason is, you know that you need to move on. You deserve someone better, WE deserve someone better. You know that you can always count on me. Just don't ever let guys step you down. Prove to them that you're strong enough to overcome this pain. I know that God let us wait for a reason, he is just waiting for the right time to let the lover of our life to touch our heart & let us have colorful fireworks in our colorless life. Remember, you're not alone. Your friends & I will always be there for you whenever...

Your twin heart,

Zairul

Labels: Broken

Speak of the Devil Part Two, Poisoned.

Never trust a scorpio too much cause if you do, you'll get poisoned

... Phone beeped. It's a text & it's from him. Surprised & was jumping for joy.

Open the text & read it:

Him: Loving someone is beautiful isn't it?

Me: Yes it is. Why? Are you in love with someone...

Him: No. But I like him. I will never get him. Maybe I'm like you, waiting. Waiting for something that will never gonna happen.

My heart froze & then it shatters to bits. Almost dropped the phone when G friend snatch it away from me. Asked me why & I just kept quiet, he read through my phone & he was shocked. The only one word that came into his mouth was, bustard. I tried my best to control this tears of mine but then I couldn't. After a few minutes later, I stopped. I don't wanna cry over spilled milk cause nothing helps over crying, but then he kept repeating that same word. Oh, I feel so poisoned by his words. I guess this is my love life cycle. 3rd time someone bustard me. Who's gonna be the next heartbreaker? I'm waiting for my future. The next heartbreaking love life. It's okay. Thanks for making me smile. Thanks for the memories. It was all sweet while it lasted. Now you left me crying & I won't forget that sentence that you have said. Kept repeating in my mind. Thanks for all the love. Will treasure all the memories when I'm with you. Love you always.

Your rainbow,

Zairul

Labels: Broken

Broken.

A broken heart that won't be in one piece unless you're here with me, then I'll be a whole again

Tears. They just can't stop running. You can't control them. They'll just come running out of those eyes of yours. When your eyes are done, they'll just stop. Why am I talking about this? That's because it just happen last night. Just can't control it. Let it stop by itself. It did but the heart remains broken. Life. Love. Myself. Friends. School. Family. But the main thing is my empty life. It's like a ghost town. No one to be with. No one to hold hands with. No one to love with. What's the point to live when love just broke you down. Family torn apart, school throwing you out just one more time of not attending & friends giving you problems everytime you smile.

Enough about myself. No one can be there for me everytime when I needed them. Sometimes, I just need to stand up with my own two feet when I'm down to the ground. I'm such a waste of life. This life deserve to be use properly & not get ruin. I'm ruined. Let's end here for now.
Goodbye readers.

Labels: Broken

What's your answer?

Missing him so much, so planned & have a surprise visit. Waited for him near his area for hours but that doesn't stop me. Even though boredness strike me, I just can't help myself waiting for him to head home. Didn't reply my text & that got me thinking, is he around here somewhere? Searched for him. Texted him again but he didn't replied. Searched for him, left & right... & saw him. Earpiece on & his face expression got me wondered. What is he thinking? Thought of giving him a surprise hug from behind but instead I called him. Told him to stop & he did. Asked him whether is he wearing blah blah blah & that got him. He tries to find me but I hid myself behind a wall. Pop out & went to him. Gave him a hug. Miss his hug though. He went to his crib & put down his things & went for a walk with me. His little sister compliment me saying that I'm handsome blah blah blah. Laughed & didn't accept her compliments. Well, when this red dots on my face is totally gone, you could say what you wanna say. For now, just label me as ugly cause I know I'm one but thanks for the compliment anyway.

Went slacking at a stadium & while talking, a rainbow appeared right in front of us, 2 to be exact. It really make me smile cause whenever I looked at that rainbow, it will remind me of how colorful my life is whenever he is around & now his right beside me smiling & laughing while giving me that mesmerizing look. His stares make my mind go blank. Eyes are so beautiful. Couldn't imagine if his in a room with me & he just stare at me the whole time. I think, we would have done something dirty in less than 10 minutes. Sorry if I'm being dirty right now. Enough of dirty thoughts. Anyway, he was talking about his life. Different feelings started to appear while he told me about his life. Didn't wanna show out my feelings cause I didn't want him to get curious & when he got curious, pop came a question like," Are you okay? " Then I'll started to throw it all out & that will be a disaster on that day. Didn't slack long due to his mom calling him couple of times. Thanks a lot mummy. It's okay, at least I get to spend few good hours with him. Treasure all those times. Went off & got a goodbye hug. Wanted to give him a kiss but my mind got stuck with something so I just hold my kiss & gave him a wave instead. Kept thinking about it & tears went running while time passes by. Hafiz called me to know if I'm okay, so does Zack. But I'm in need of Hafiz the most. I just don't know why I need Hafiz around with me nowadays. Guess I need to talk someone. Both adviced me & hung up. Cooled me down, well a little. Went home & close my eyes. Before I went off to lala land. The first thing that came into my mind was, why am I waiting?

Labels: Broken

zairul is my name &
karma is my game.

His Quote:

what goes around with me comes around you.

Sweetest Ecstasy

♦ Dudy Monteiro.
♦ Dudy's Tumblr.
♦ Hafiz Pendek.
♦ Subhi Illiyyin.
♦ Syakirchner Elise.
♦ Hedi Kikomori.
♥ Jaselin Gemok.
♥ Frah Anne.
♥ Maia Panda.
♥ Yidah Twinny.
♥ Farna Bimbo.
♥ Uffie Aosyki.
♥ Echa Boncet.
♦ Syairul Adams.
♦ Fyzzstro.

Individuals

Amelina.
Azmy.
Belle.
Din.
Echa.
Eicha.
Eydah.
Faizahh.
Fie.
Fir.
Irzan.
Ita.
Jaja.
Mei Ting.
Naim.
Natasha.
Nini.
Nisa.
Pearl.
Qayyum.
Rush.
Shah.
Shasha.
Shaq.
Sheeqeen.
Teko.
Yourlanda.
Yusry.
Zaidi.

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