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Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Humanity.
We can never get away from mistakes, pain, miseries, tears & all the negativity that can lead us into pieces, this is what humanity means, & you can never get away from them all for long
2011 has ended & now 2012 has just begun. A whole lot of drama have been going on early this year & I've been trying to cope with every single shit that I'm carrying with me now. I did my best, trying to accept & understand others, by swallowing my dirty ego whenever they dislike me on whatever I did. I'm tired of satisfying others' needs when they have not done anything to me in return. I wiped their tears when they're in pain, but mine were left untouched, I listened to all their shits & be heard at the same time, I set up my maturity level, depend on myself, did everything I could, but honestly, this is just too much. It's time to set my foot down, I'm not expecting them to do the same to me too but just accept & understand what I'm going through now. Reality check, I'm a human being who have flaws & feelings like you & everyone else in this imperfect world too. Furthermore, I'm still a teenager, & have a long way to go to be an adult but yet, I'm doing everything I could to make things stable, less laughing, & more serious with whatever I'm doing. My dad can't be by my side now, he's the only one that loves me, accept & understand me for who I am. But still, he wants me to change, but at least, there isn't any force made by him. He loves me & I love him too, but no one's going to be there for me now since he's in. Therefore, I'm trying to burn down my fear, & build up my courage instead whenever I need to go through pain. I've suffered ever since when I was 5. So look where am I now? Still breathing but at the same time, I'm going through pain. My life is a never ending misery, everything's so pretty... pretty messed up I must say. At times, I closed my eyes, with both hands clasped tight, praying to God, that one day, I hope he'll bring down a beautiful angel to strengthen my weak heart & be by my side always, regardless of whatever thick or thin we'll need to go through. I just want to feel, how is it like being cared, love & worried for that much. And the only thing that can make me smile with sincerity, is being with my brother. But sadly, things are not going through quite well between us. I've teared so badly these past few days. I've so long have not teared so badly until this. He's the only one that I loved most, apart from my dad. Without him, I can't lead a normal life. Everything will be in a pretty huge mess. Sigh. But, at least I can look at him from afar, or if not, just through my phone or in my dreams. I pray to God to be by his side, always. To give him the strength to go through deep shits. He never once, has walked out of my mind. I still remember the time, where I came searching for him everywhere, & finally saw him crying all alone in the cold dark, so I wiped his tears away then gave him a long hug, so I started tearing too at the beach, the hard sand, the crashing waves, the trees & the shining stars above witnessed it all. When he was drunk, he pushed me away, throwing all the harsh words right at this fragile heart of mine, I was still there, hugging him tight, not wanting to let him go, I wiped off his tears while he pouted his lower lip, then I smiled & giggled, saying how silly he was cause no one is going to leave him. I'm still here. He always teared due to the ones he loved, left him. But now, it looks like, he's a part of them & I'm him, tearing all night, mutilate myself, & this time, no one is there for me. The tears that I shed, were left untouched. I just hope, that one fine day, we're going to be fine again, but this time, I hope it won't end up this bad again, or worse. What did I do wrong to deserve all these pain my dear God. P.S: I'm done here, so it's time for me to get away from everything & change myself. Goodbye for now. Labels: Humanity |
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