Karma is my game

Runaway.

I runaway from everything with tears falling from the eyes while the heart shatters to tiny pieces, & I let myself into the darkness, sitting all alone thinking why must all of this hit me in just so little time

It was my night, where all I can do was just dance & put aside all the problems that I have. Lights were shining all around, smokes everywhere & the club got everyone bouncing. Good-looking guys were around me, dancing & smiling. My heart skipped a beat when a few of my eye-candies were dancing right in front of me. I just look at my friend with a smile while I dance, try not to make it obvious so I just look at him all the way while we dance to the music. Then the last song was done, everyone cheered & they want one more song, so the DJ played one last one & the club have gone wild. I dance with my brother like its just only me & him, we got up close & slowly our lips touched with our tongues wrapped around. Love it when we're doing incest bromance. When the last music was done, we got out of club.

Stood outside with one of my friend, waiting for the rest. Then my brother suddenly approached one of my eye-candies & told him that I like him. My jaw totally dropped after what I heard, & my brother could even tell him that I would want to get to know him. My mind got blank, I ran out of words & then his friends laughed, & they just walk off. It got me thinking what would they say, what would he say especially. I don't know where to hide this cracked face. Then R suddenly asked me in rage on where his boyfriend went. I got shocked, then he asked me again but this time, even louder & vulgarities were inserted. Just replied him & he told me to call him. I could see it in his eyes that he was really mad. Called my close friend since I know that his boyfriend have switched off his phone, & yes, his boyfriend was there with him. Hung up & told him that his boyfriend is with RP, I was embarrassed cause he just threw his tantrum on me in public & everyone was looking.

My heart cracked into two on what have happened just now, so I walk briskly to Maxwell Center, found them both sitting while talking to each other. Asked him where did he go cause R have just gone mad, he was shocked & he told me that he just want to accompany RP. I sat down & let out a big sigh. My eyes were reddened, I told M what happened while he cooled me down, tears were rising & I couldn't take it anymore so I just took the stuffs that I needed most in my brother's bag & just walk off. M hold my arm, ordering me to stop but I just pushed his hand away & went off. Tears were rising, the two incident kept playing back in my mind. How people looked at me, how they laughed. How embarrassed when all those things occurred.

Then suddenly, I heard someone called my name & it was my brother. I quickly runaway while tears went spilling from the eyes, then I stop for awhile, panting. Looked back & he wasn't there. I wipe my tears away, but still more came running down my cheeks. Looked down while walking alone through the empty town. Plugged in my earpiece & played a song. My mind can't stop giving that embarrassing flashback. All I could do was just shooked my head & give a sigh. Took out my phone & wanted to check the time, then when I wanted to place my phone in my pocket, it slipped off from my hand. Can things go any worse? Light up my one last cigarette. Then it burnt my thumb, damn it hurts. The worst night? Yes. Reached to Raffles City & I sat at Starbucks.

Went to the MRT Station after I browse on the internet on my phone, waiting for it to be opened. Took the first train & went off to D's crib. Reached his place, he opened the door & I went in. Sat down on the sofa, he asked me sarcastically whether the club was fun while he was using his computer & I just replied a straight answer, no. He scolded me cause I didn't even listen to his advice. Tears came running down, I just cry in silence. He came to me & sat down beside me on the sofa. Never even face him at all. He wanted to hug me but I just slowly move myself away from him. We had a long talk & I had a very long crying time. He then hugged me in the end while I let my head lie on his chest, but what I couldn't accept most is this sentence he just gave me,"Who would want to love a dying man like me?" And my heart just replied,"Me." But then, he himself answered,"No one." And that's where I cried even more.

It is really heartbreaking when he didn't notice that I still love him or was he just pretending not to notice? I'm just out of words. Nothing is on it's original place now. I just want to be alone for now, I'm not leaving anybody but I'm just cooling down. I know I'm being too sensitive but try to put yourself in my shoe. Those embarrassing moments, seriously in front of the gayboys? In this gay world, those boys will just spread around on what happen. It is quite a drama. We're worst than girls. But then, I read someone's wall. About "disappearing acts"? You just say whatever you want to say. I just come & go? Fine. For you, this time I'll definitely go & will not come back as you wish. But not to worry, I won't be one bitch & bitch about you. I mean come on, have I back stabbed you? I know not. Never would I gossip with someone on the person whom I love. I'm not up to that level. When I love someone a lot, I would only want to make him/her smile, not drown to tears. I'm kind of disappointed that you might think that I'll bitch about you?

Whatever it is, now you don't need to waste your care towards me. A good thing isn't it? Thought that I just want to cool down for awhile. But then with that status? Fine, I'll just make my move. May your days be good without me from now on. I know this time, no one would give a damn. I'm okay, I'll just pray for the safety of you all. I'll take care of myself, cry alone without a shoulder, get back up on my own if I ever happened to fell on my knees & just settle everything alone. Me, myself & I walking through this path alone, in this empty life... In this cruel world.

And dear brother, I have long forgiven you & everyone after what happened so no need to be sorry. Just take care of yourself.

Labels: run

zairul is my name &
karma is my game.

His Quote:

what goes around with me comes around you.

Sweetest Ecstasy

♦ Dudy Monteiro.
♦ Dudy's Tumblr.
♦ Hafiz Pendek.
♦ Subhi Illiyyin.
♦ Syakirchner Elise.
♦ Hedi Kikomori.
♥ Jaselin Gemok.
♥ Frah Anne.
♥ Maia Panda.
♥ Yidah Twinny.
♥ Farna Bimbo.
♥ Uffie Aosyki.
♥ Echa Boncet.
♦ Syairul Adams.
♦ Fyzzstro.

Individuals

Amelina.
Azmy.
Belle.
Din.
Echa.
Eicha.
Eydah.
Faizahh.
Fie.
Fir.
Irzan.
Ita.
Jaja.
Mei Ting.
Naim.
Natasha.
Nini.
Nisa.
Pearl.
Qayyum.
Rush.
Shah.
Shasha.
Shaq.
Sheeqeen.
Teko.
Yourlanda.
Yusry.
Zaidi.

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