|
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Suicide.  All those pain, those hatred, those stressful problems, it all hit my mind so fast til it stirred into one deathly word, & that is suicide At the foot of the Block, running tears all alone at around 3 o'clock. My mind was throbbing badly & my eyes were swollen as I cried too much. Tried to ask Mile whether he can call me but with the late replies & all, it seems that he is pretty much busy & have much better things to do than this, well I understand. So I called Hafiz instead, called him a few times til the 5th time, he picked up the call & as soon as I heard his voice, I burst into tears. Told him what happened just now, such pain, it all hit me so fast, I didn't have the intention to tell granny about it. If only I knew, you know I wouldn't tell granny that you won't be going home til 4am. You should have told me, seriously. My apologies, I guess I wasn't live to lead a happy life with a partner or without one but instead I live to suffer with human beings who won't understand me at all. They only gave me hatred & pain, blame me for something I didn't intend to do, throw all the tantrum to me unreasonably & push me with all those harsh words til I drop on my knees crying. I'm still 16 & yet I'm trying to find a job just to support myself. What is this? Even though my mindset is like an adult, doesn't mean my age would change. I'm still the 16-years-old teenage boy that you know. I'm not yet a fully grown adult, I'm still going through all this but yet, I need to support myself. From young til now I've been suffering, molested, abused, sexually forced 2 times & yet I don't know why I'm still here, breathing normally while typing all this pain that have been past. I know this is suppose to be personal but I don't give a damn anymore. I'm not embarrassed by all this shit. I just want everyone to know that even though I'm 16, I've gone through many pain. Never have I been happy in all my life, never. So you should appreciate what you have now & stop acting like a child who wants someting badly & will just vent out your anger if you do not get what you want. Just remember that even though you didn't get what you wanted, at least all your needs have already been given almost everyday. Pocket money for school, shopping, & everything else. You don't even have the need to work but I know that some does want to work for some extra cash, still the things you need have all been taken care of. Where as for me, I need to find a job badly for all the things that I need & place all my wanted list aside. I've been wishing to have a happy life but in the end, nothing changes. I'm still young, yet I'm going through a lot of pain, problems, everything. It all went in through my mind til all those words changes to suicide. Yes, I've been having this mentality problem, only Hafiz knows. I didn't tell anyone cause I know no one will give a damn about it. I already have memory problems due to too much stress that have been in my mind & now it's getting worse cause even simple words I could forget the meanings. It's like, my IQ is getting lower & I'm really scared that one day I might end up crazy but I know that I just need to go to my appointment with that doctor I've met for my memory problems & I'll be fine. The problem is, where can I get the money, my granny doesn't care for my health anymore. My life is ruined, totally ruined. Such sadness, now all I want to know is when will I die cause I'm tired of living in pain. I'm tired of standing alone everytime I fall. I feel like running away, faraway & just deactivate all my account for maybe a week, a month, a year or just forever. No one cares for me, I'm not complaining but I'm just saying that I can't bear to move on with life alone. Percentage of being loved is just less than 50 or just nothing at all. At least if I have loved from a partner, that should be enough. I just want to be stress free, I just want to smile for awhile & let my heart shine a bit before another pain occurred but then, I can't cause I'm still alone for more than a year. I guess, it's fated that I can't be loved by anyone. It's alright, even if I must still bear all this pain, I will... I'm just hoping that my mentality won't be getting worse that's all. Now I'm just waiting for another pain to occur, I'm ready for it. Just strike me now if you want & let me fall flat, let me bleed... Let me... Die. Labels: Suicide |
 zairul is my name & karma is my game. His Quote: what goes around with me comes around you. ♦ Dudy Monteiro. ♦ Dudy's Tumblr. ♦ Hafiz Pendek. ♦ Subhi Illiyyin. ♦ Syakirchner Elise. ♦ Hedi Kikomori. ♥ Jaselin Gemok. ♥ Frah Anne. ♥ Maia Panda. ♥ Yidah Twinny. ♥ Farna Bimbo. ♥ Uffie Aosyki. ♥ Echa Boncet. ♦ Syairul Adams. ♦ Fyzzstro. Individuals Amelina. Azmy. Belle. Din. Echa. Eicha. Eydah. Faizahh. Fie. Fir. Irzan. Ita. Jaja. Mei Ting. Naim. Natasha. Nini. Nisa. Pearl. Qayyum. Rush. Shah. Shasha. Shaq. Sheeqeen. Teko. Yourlanda. Yusry. Zaidi. May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 Tagged. Tumblr. Twitter. |
