What goes around with me comes around you

Broken pieces

2012-02-25T14:54:00.002+08:00

Broken pieces.

Trying to merge these broken pieces of my heart & once done, being more cautious is what I will become

Lay down on the hard ground, alone in the cold dark. Opened my eyes, got back up on my two feet & I started to run. Ran as fast as I can while I pushed everything that is on my way, trying to search for a light. Holding on to my strength, I could not bear to look back. I have to get out of this pain. So then, I paused for awhile, just stood there.. Thinking.. Should I let myself be uncovered... For I know I am going to fall again if ever I make the wrong decision, & I have to face it alone like how I have been facing alone throughout my life.

What is the difference anyway between leaving everything & getting to feel pain alone & being with the people around you whom you loved, & getting to feel pain alone, still?

Now, don't be silly. You know you are thinking like a kid again, Zairul. Sigh. But never in my life have I ever feel that I have been purely love by someone. Never in my life have I ever feel special like how I made someone or at least, a number of them, my special one. You know, looking at the kids playing around at the foot of the block, made me smile sometimes. They are very lucky to have that childhood life like how every kid supposed to get. For I know only one, at least, who have a childhood moment which have been in one huge disruption caused by a few heartless human beings.

At times, when I had that flashback playing through my mind, whenever I see that young innocent kid, aged five through that familiar place, where he got touched in a manner where it can kill your heart & mind. I have that huge pity for that young kid. He does not have a good childhood life. Having fishes & other harmless creatures as his friends. Getting bullied so badly in school, at home or anywhere else. Not getting to feel that beautiful love from his own mother & father. For more than two goddamn years, he struggled, he tried many ways to be strong, he kept everything that had happened to him, to himself.

Such a young age, I just cannot believe those things they did can kill him mentally. I know he has never hold grudges on them, but seeing them now, made him have that huge impact of the pain from the past. He will be afraid & at times shed tears. It is a huge challenge to let something so heavy go, especially when it has caused you too much corruption in mind & heart. " How can you ever forget that heavy feeling even when they are around me? ", he asked. How do I know & understand all his pain? Well, that young kid, was me.

But it is fine. Just as long as I will not see them at sight or somebody mentioning their name. I will be fine. Though after I left that hideous place, the misery continued... Violence hit me hard every time a mistake or not, have I done. From a step father so cruel. Who am I to bother about him anymore since I am no longer living with him? Twelve years & seven months have I gone through pain. Oh why should I bother? Why am I being so sensitive? Well, looked back through my life, I will not be this way if the shits from my past would not happen. That does not mean I'm living life with regrets, no.

At least I know, that I am kind to others & my goal in life is to make the ones I loved, or not smile before I closed my very eyes. Quite impossible huh? Well, to me.. Or to some people in this world, we say nothing is impossible. Have a good night.

Paranoid

2012-02-11T02:49:00.002+08:00

Paranoia.

Everything is in a mess after you left, so I scream in pain while I bend down on my knees, crying with paranoia in the way

I've been tearing these past few weeks. Day by day, it got worse. My mind's been having too much voices now, so I screamed in pain. I couldn't control myself. I feel like as if everyone is trying to harm me mentally. I feel like they're trying to make me kill myself. The thoughts of killing myself came back. Kept fighting for my life. My mind got multiple flashbacks out of the blue. Voices were heard everywhere. Dreamt of my brother every single night. Feel like everything is twirling so fast. Closed my eyes tight while I pulled my hair so damn hard.

Can't bear with the pain. Trying to but it's so hard. I'm really tired of hearing lies. Now I became more silent in work, no longer am I that cheerful teen anymore. Silence is filling up my life now. Somebody save me from this nightmare that has already touched the reality world. I'm suffering from this misery... Now I can never trust anyone, not even my close friend. It's so hard to find someone who is true to you. Never in my life have I had one true close friend. Well, I just hope that.. I can cope with this heavy pain.

Dear God, Give me strength. Let me be strong & protect me from the ones that will caused never ending misery to my life.

Cold

2012-01-29T05:50:00.003+08:00

Cold.

Fell into a place, a place where it's just myself & my loneliness, darkness fills the light, nothing is ever going to wrap me up with warmth, everything's so cold now, I'm frozen

So it's been a few weeks, since I left... I left them for good. Felt the pain, of being lonely. Felt it all in my heart. It's like your heart has been stabbed pretty badly. Silly of me to text him out of the blue. It was expected. No will always be an answer.

Hatred from him grew, & I feel so small. I can feel that he doesn't need me for good. No one ever needs me anyway. So I'll just head off packing up all my heart & soul, taking a step away from everything. So I'm going to take a break from everything. I'll change, this time, for real. No more lying. You know, I wish I didn't gave you my words, I wish... Oh forget it. Nothing is ever going to be right when it comes to me. I understand.

Does your parents know about your sexual orientation? I mean, i'm bi myself but i don't have the confidence to let people know about it.

2012-01-21T22:50:00.001+08:00

Does your parents know about your sexual orientation? I mean, i'm bi myself but i don't have the confidence to let people know about it.

Yes, they know about it. Everyone knows about me now, only a number doesn't know.

Well, it's best if you tell them, not letting them be covered by the darkness before they found out themselves, cause no secrets can ever be hidden forever. One day, they'll be uncovered..

Just like how my parents found out about me. Everything was in a mess, but now, it isn't that worse, still, I'm in pain & slowly, I'm trying to get out of this shit.

Hopefully, I will find happiness, & hopefully, everything will go smoothly for you, as well..

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Stars

2012-01-21T14:42:00.002+08:00

Stars.

Stars, the most beautiful nature created by God, the only nature that gives me curiosity if I could really grabbed it with my bare hands & keep em some place safe where they can accompany me through the darkness

I had a dream, a dream of us. I've been dreaming with you inside for the past week, but this one that I had last two nights, it is unforgettable. It really is beautiful living in that kind of dream. We were some place where it's just you & me, standing on soft grass. Apparently, the ground was covered with grass, nothing else. It was dark, so I assumed it was night time & I was right, since stars were everywhere twinkling around the sky. I turned & looked at you. You were beautiful, staring at me with that sweet smile of yours.

We lie on the ground & looked up at the stars for a few good minutes, then I realized there were a few stars that were shining even more than the rest of them & the ones that were shining brightly made a shape of a circle. Out of the blue, it started to swirl round & round then it was nowhere to be seen.

My mind started to load up with questions. Why were they shining brightly & made a shape of a circle? That's not all, swirling round & round then, gone. While I was contemplating deeply about it, we took a stroll & there were some huge things around me, but I couldn't remember what was it. Then, there was this kid who appeared right out of nowhere, I assumed he's Chinese since he have small eyes.

He stood just a few distance away from me & he said this, " Abg, I love you. " And I replied, " Aww, I love you too. " I don't know why I said that but it was weird, not knowing that I have never met him in my life. It was a nice feeling though, getting to hear someone saying, " I love you " to me. I really felt it, my heart, showered with warm love. Then I woke up after that, sat there on my bed, trying to remember whatever that I dreamt of earlier.

I will never forget that dream, that feeling, the place, the one that I was with.. What an unforgettable dream, a beautiful one too. So I now wonder... Is it a sign of something? It still made my mind come running up with questions. If it really is a sign, I'd want to see the definition of this dream of mine.

If you could fly, where would you go?

2012-01-20T22:40:00.003+08:00

If you could fly, where would you go?

Way above the clouds, somewhere faraway where pain never exist.

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

So, what are the races you wouldn't want to date? Are you religious/homophobic and/or believe in God?

2012-01-20T22:40:00.001+08:00

So, what are the races you wouldn't want to date? Are you religious/homophobic and/or believe in God?

I am universal. Like I said, if Love touched this heart of mine, then I'll just go for him/her. I am never homophobic, or religious. I'm bisexual, & I'm agnostic. I believe there's God but I don't believe in any kind of religion.

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Humanity

2012-01-18T22:06:00.002+08:00

Humanity.

We can never get away from mistakes, pain, miseries, tears & all the negativity that can lead us into pieces, this is what humanity means, & you can never get away from them all for long

2011 has ended & now 2012 has just begun. A whole lot of drama have been going on early this year & I've been trying to cope with every single shit that I'm carrying with me now. I did my best, trying to accept & understand others, by swallowing my dirty ego whenever they dislike me on whatever I did. I'm tired of satisfying others' needs when they have not done anything to me in return. I wiped their tears when they're in pain, but mine were left untouched, I listened to all their shits & be heard at the same time, I set up my maturity level, depend on myself, did everything I could, but honestly, this is just too much.

It's time to set my foot down, I'm not expecting them to do the same to me too but just accept & understand what I'm going through now. Reality check, I'm a human being who have flaws & feelings like you & everyone else in this imperfect world too. Furthermore, I'm still a teenager, & have a long way to go to be an adult but yet, I'm doing everything I could to make things stable, less laughing, & more serious with whatever I'm doing.

My dad can't be by my side now, he's the only one that loves me, accept & understand me for who I am. But still, he wants me to change, but at least, there isn't any force made by him. He loves me & I love him too, but no one's going to be there for me now since he's in. Therefore, I'm trying to burn down my fear, & build up my courage instead whenever I need to go through pain. I've suffered ever since when I was 5. So look where am I now? Still breathing but at the same time, I'm going through pain. My life is a never ending misery, everything's so pretty... pretty messed up I must say.

At times, I closed my eyes, with both hands clasped tight, praying to God, that one day, I hope he'll bring down a beautiful angel to strengthen my weak heart & be by my side always, regardless of whatever thick or thin we'll need to go through. I just want to feel, how is it like being cared, love & worried for that much.

And the only thing that can make me smile with sincerity, is being with my brother. But sadly, things are not going through quite well between us. I've teared so badly these past few days. I've so long have not teared so badly until this. He's the only one that I loved most, apart from my dad. Without him, I can't lead a normal life. Everything will be in a pretty huge mess. Sigh. But, at least I can look at him from afar, or if not, just through my phone or in my dreams. I pray to God to be by his side, always. To give him the strength to go through deep shits. He never once, has walked out of my mind.

I still remember the time, where I came searching for him everywhere, & finally saw him crying all alone in the cold dark, so I wiped his tears away then gave him a long hug, so I started tearing too at the beach, the hard sand, the crashing waves, the trees & the shining stars above witnessed it all. When he was drunk, he pushed me away, throwing all the harsh words right at this fragile heart of mine, I was still there, hugging him tight, not wanting to let him go, I wiped off his tears while he pouted his lower lip, then I smiled & giggled, saying how silly he was cause no one is going to leave him. I'm still here. He always teared due to the ones he loved, left him.

But now, it looks like, he's a part of them & I'm him, tearing all night, mutilate myself, & this time, no one is there for me. The tears that I shed, were left untouched. I just hope, that one fine day, we're going to be fine again, but this time, I hope it won't end up this bad again, or worse. What did I do wrong to deserve all these pain my dear God.

P.S: I'm done here, so it's time for me to get away from everything & change myself. Goodbye for now.

What do you mean "Karma is my game"

2011-12-22T00:26:00.001+08:00

What do you mean "Karma is my game"

Well.. Let's just say that I can play it on others whenever I want. (:

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Love

2011-12-12T17:06:00.009+08:00

Love.

The presence you'll always feel for this beautiful-so-unique feeling, where your heart can only know that it's from that only one soul, & that is, the beauty of love full with sharp bleeding thorns all around

Let the warm shower run. Then sat on the toilet bowl, while cigarette's running with mind contemplating so deep inside. Stared at the empty space & tears started rising. Finished up my cigarette & I stepped into the shower. Had a long one & I dried myself up with my soft towel after showering. Covered up half of my lower body with my towel & I stared myself at the mirror.

" Whatever have I done to deserve this from him? ", I asked myself, with my heart so cold. So I stepped out of the toilet & got in the living room. Wore my army shorts, then lie on my bed, covering myself with my blanket full with soft fur. Plugged in my Ipod with the speakers, & played a song so blue, then lowered down the volume just a little. The scene I'm in got my heart caged in the dark, I don't feel like if there's anything that can enlighten my heavy heart now. Heard the sound of loud thunder clapped.

The loneliness, the pain, & all the negative emotions started to conquer the environment around me. I feel like I'm in a place so deserted, where it's just the loneliness I had to accompany me. I asked myself, " Why must I give my damn & fuck to others when I barely gave em' to myself? ". I'm so tired of everything, I'm tired of life, the nags I get from my relatives, the bullshit words & the pain I've received from a number of my loved ones when I gave em' almost everything.

My legs are all so weak that I can just dropped down on my knees any moment now, covering my face with my hands while letting these tears run down my cheeks full with scars. He never realized that I did my very best to make him smile, to lessen his pain, to let him feel less troubled but all I get from him in the end, is nothing but one big pile of dung. Nothing is ever right for him, nothing. Whatever good I've done for him are all unnoticeable, except for the flaws that I tend to let out to him. Is it that hard to accept my flaws when I've long accepted his? I've loved him with all my life. None can ever replaced him. I'm through with all the common pain but if he's giving me all the heavy ones, I won't even know what's the definition of happiness anymore. I'll let him live his life while I live on mine cause I know that it's no point being there for someone whom I feel like I'm a nobody in his. I'll just let him be the non-existent in this world.

My life is nothing but full of never ending misery. More shits are appearing in my life after I cleared at least a numbered of em'. How can I ever coped up with this? That's not all, not trying to be boastful & all, but, guys are starting to build up hopes on me. I don't need Love for now as I have many shits in life to settle, I just can't bear with another one on top. It's so hard to even tell these guys not to build up their hopes on me cause I know there's a huge chance that they'll feel stabbed right in the heart.

It's always when I need someone special in my life, a number or just none will approached me, but when I don't want all these lovey dovey to come right through my doorstep, they'll start rushing. So tell me, is this a test from God? Well, either way, I just got to find the solution before things will turned into a nightmare. Let's have a positive mind for awhile, shall we?

I've been longing for warm cute cuddles after the process of making love is done. I've been longing for the beauty & that unique feeling of Love with sharp bleeding thorns all around to touch my cold, lonely heart. I want to look into his mesmerizing eyes, & tell him how much I love him, then hear him saying those three words back, letting me feel the sincerity from him while he said it. I want to go through the love with him, through thick & thin. I want to know what's the feeling of that one love again . Maybe, this is an opportunity for me to have my own love story, no? Call me corny for inserting " the love story ", but who gives a fuck? Well, I don't. And I don't mean it in a fairytale way cause everyone knows it's nothing but a non-existent to this world.

But one thing for sure.. It's hard to put my trust on guys again after my heart had gone through all the pain, the cracks, the feeling of getting torn apart, but still, working well in the end. I'm just afraid for I've not step into one relationship for more than 2 years. I just hope that if ever, one of them capture my heart, he'll love me much more than how much I'll love him. Cause if ever this time, my heart will go through the same old page again, I am never going to be in one relationship with a man, ever.

What do you like to do on rainy days?

2011-12-04T16:43:00.003+08:00

What do you like to do on rainy days?

If I have a lover, I'd definitely spend my time to set up candles all around the room, with sweet fragrance of rose petals everywhere, music so soothing & not to forget, leave a trail of petal roses from the house door, all the way to our room, then wait for him to come home with me on the bed, wearing a robe, but inside, I'm wearing nothing. ;)

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Goodbye November, Hello December

2011-12-01T03:26:00.006+08:00

Goodbye November, Hello December.

So I gave myself a goodbye to November who gave me smiles though little pains & a few tear drops were involve, now a very good hello to December, so I hope it'll make my life go sweeter then

Life has been a lot better after getting myself a new job. Thanks to my dear friend who we've been looking out for each other. But, most of all, he's the one who have helped me a whole lot, what a true friend he is, Raihan Rocknova. May God blessed you lots of joy, happiness & a whole lot of love. And, may your relationship last forever with that cute lover of yours.

November has given me a lot of smile, though little tears did I shed a few times, but it doesn't affect how happiness conquered my life on that month. Now December's here, so I wished there will be sweet happenings to my cold, lonely [ Well, I don't feel that lonely, just giving that drama effect ] & sour life. I felt like it's always on December where the honeymoon period starts, where puppy love begins, or/& where a heterosexual couple or/& a homosexual couple says, " I do. " on their wedding day. I realized it'll always fall on December. So I hope this month, it'll be my luck, so if it isn't, then it won't be a disappointment to me at all cause I don't hope on this, pretty much.

Enough about sweet beautiful love. Now, see that picture on top? Yes, I feel like as if, my life's a lighted candle, which has been covered up by the cold darkness. A fact that, I'll always be alone, & no one in my life even my loved ones, are ever going to be there for me. That made me realized, the swears that my family members who pushed hatred on me due to who I am now, & that is, being homosexual. They swear that no one's going to be there for me, my friends, my loved ones, whoever. I find it pretty much, illogical, just because I'm homosexual? I mean, there are a few dark histories behind it all.

So I didn't spilled the beans to some of them, only my mother & my step-father [ which I find pretty much pointless cause not a single word or expression was given from them ], it was all from the broken past. The scars, it's still deep. My mind can still read up all the details, the expressions from their faces, their feeling of pleasure & satisfaction while this fragile heart of mine can still feel that deep pain & suffering I get in return. Yes, it gives me thoughts of killing myself but no, I must stay for I can't bear to leave my one & only sweet, annoying yet beautiful brother where God has given me a gift for me to take care of, & that is none other than, Dudy.

A growing boy, full of flaws, learning through mistakes he has done. Trying to do his best from getting a failure, but as I observe, he tends to give up easily but I believed in him that, he'll still continue even though he had failed on whatever obstacles he had gone through. His ego & selfishness doesn't bother me much, so does the disappointments he had given me at times, even letting my heart went through a raging fire, & letting these eyes of mine to run through tears as much as a river, but just as long as I can feel his presence around me, a smile will be drawn right on my face & my cold heart, will turned warm again. He's like my only " favorite gift " ~~so far~~.

You know, I've tried many ways to make him smile, sincerely the very least. But, I don't feel like, I've done my part yet. As for him, yes, he has done it. By being here with me, accepting my flaws, I'm all so.. happy. I don't feel like, I'm.. good enough. Well, whatever it is, I'll still continue doing my best. I love him more than my life & I hope God won't ever tear us apart.

So my point is, I don't give any concern to those swears I get from those haters. Even if their swearing hit me hard, not just by words, but actions. At least, I have what I needed. Loved ones, around me, a brother for me to look for when I'm down. I know that none will ever be there for me [ Or am I being in that emotional crisis again? ]. But just as long as, they won't step away from my life, I'm fine with whatever I've got. I'm used to be there for the ones that I loved, I'm used to getting hurt at the same time, smile as I've made my loved ones, smile. I was born getting all those miseries, since young & I'm fine with it all.

I'm just thankful for whatever God has given me. So I hope, my little candle, will light a lot more brighter, slowly, in the future, letting all those darkness, fade away. Giving my heart warmth, happiness, joy, without anyone by my side. Even if there is, I'll be much more please, with tears of joy involved.

I love my life now, it's not perfect or so called, " more than enough " yet but it's enough, so please, let it stay this way. Be better if you could, but don't ever let it shatter to pieces.

Reality World

2011-10-15T02:13:00.006+08:00

Reality World.

I should stop living in the Dream World & start facing how cruel, dramatic, & painful Reality World can be

I feel so disgusted with some humans who degrade on others to the extend of making them having that huge break down. Insults, condemn, bitches, whores & sluts, talking about dramas, I'm facing through a whole lot of crisis with one-who-shall-not-be-named. Such a pity to see him throwing all those insults, all those damn words to me when I feel like, I'm just a mirror & whatever he is saying out right now, he is just reflecting all those shits, to himself. Yes, I admit, I am ugly, with all the flaws I have in me, at least I admit, I don't go saying out that, oh, I'm so cute, or looked at the mirror & say, damn, I'm sexy or what-so-ever. I have my flaws & all, Mister One-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-I'm-All-So-Flawless, though I go posting out in Facebook or tweeting in Twitter saying why is that guy staring at me & all, or strangers approaching me..

Sorry honey, I don't have time to create tall tales & have that want-to-feel-hot-to-myself, but it's the fact. Up to you whether to believe, I mean, I don't tell anyone to believe any of my incidents, did I? Besides, posting it in Facebook or Twitter, is just my thing, my motive of having a Facebook is not to gain popularity, but just so I can have something to rant out my emotions, I don't give a single shit if anyone want to add me up or delete me, that's their problem, I don't go around adding strangers. You want to add me, add me up, no? Your problem. Oh, carry on giving me long composition of insults, I'll just read & smile cause honestly, getting all those long sentence from you, it ain't going to work. I'm not an English teacher who needs to read your composition & correct your tenses & errors right?

Whatever, I may be ugly, but having a nice heart that is so sweet & kind counts. Looks are just deceiving. What for having a face so flawless but with a heart so full of stench? Enough about dramas here, there will be a confrontation, on Sunday, since that one-who-shall-not-be-named wants it so much, fine, we'll have it. And for your info, if you want to use violence against me, be my guest, I am really, not afraid of someone like you. Yes, I may be a small fry but still, I know where my maturity level is. Violence against a matter so small? Oh please, let's just see what's going to happen on that Sunday. Case pending.

I'm still in search of my job, & I need to stop slacking & start focusing on my search of my job. No more distractions. Will be going to East Coast Park later on, with my clans as we're going have a Barbeque time together, making a very huge bonding. At last, I can just sit at the side of the beach, hearing the crashes of the waves, getting to feel the touch of the wind's breath through my skin. Getting to lie on the hard sand & gaze at the beautiful stars, letting all my body, mind, heart & soul be at ease. The beauty of nature, what is more peaceful than that? Goodnight my beautiful readers.

Broken

2011-09-24T04:26:00.003+08:00

Broken.

Everything's been spoken, all I get is just being broken

Looked up at the bright night sky while walking alone through the silent streets with my face so blue, going back home with the wind breathing through my skin. I hold on to my heavy tears, trying to be strong like heart made of steel. I tried to distract myself by looking up at stars seeing how beautiful when they twinkle, I tried to be at eased by lighting up a cigarette & smoke it til it's all done. I tried every single thing, but all I get is just the same old bloody pain.

How can I pretend not to give a single damn thing about you when I've been giving you all my damn ever since? I apologies to you on that very occasion & I mean what I say. I told you that if you were to dislike what I am doing, tell me & I won't asked you again. Like I said, I won't force you cause I'm just asking... But what is it that you think that you're a slave or a bitch? I mean, asking you out with me & all, it shows that I want to spend my time with you. Whichever part is that a slave? If you don't want to, tell me.. Don't just go out with me, insincerely. I mean, what for?

You yourself tell me that you'll accompany me to take my things & when I called you on that very day, you said you can't, I understand that. I told you to call me yesterday cause we need to talk, you think that I'm treating you like a bitch. Is it wrong to just call me? I mean, why are you thinking this way? You told me that I can joined you to go Club, last Thursday. I waited for your call, I was so eager cause I want to dance with you, it has been so long we've not dance together but not a single call was made from you. I messaged you but still, no response.

I got pissed, it all became so blue to me on that night but eventually, I got over it. I just asked you why didn't you call me & there you go saying that I'm treating you like a slave. I'm very sorry if you think that I'm treating you like one when actually, I've never been having that mindset to treat you that way. I love you & if I could, I want to spend all my entire time with you but all I can see is that, you're a priority to me & I'm just an option in your life.

I don't even know why am I being so nice & caring to the people I loved when in return, I get nothing. I just wish I don't owned a nice heart. I give up caring for you, really I do. This time, I rest my case, I'll just take all the fault, I'll just agree that I'm treating you like a slave. I just want all this to end cause I don't want you to hide yourself from me again, but this time, I won't bother you anymore. If that is what you want, I won't be a pain in your heart anymore. Yes I teared yesterday when I read your statuses, so I shall not do my part as a brother anymore.

I'll leave you alone, just don't hide yourself again. A small favor from me to you. If you can't do this favor, then I got no words to say. Just don't do anything that can caused your heart to break into a zillion pieces. I love you Abang ( big brother ), always have, always will.

Yesterday, I've been going through a very rough day. I just hope today will be a new day for me.

The smallest little things

2011-07-22T02:57:00.009+08:00

The smallest little things.

Sometimes, remembering the smallest little things about someone proves that you truly love them by observing those smallest little things even if it doesn't really matter to them

It's 3:33am, another sleepless night for me. Thunders clapping, heavy rain pouring down to the ground & I'm all alone in the dark living room, lying on my soft bed, tossing & turning around. My mind is full of thoughts. It's less than a week before July 2011 comes to an end & August 2011 begins. My special day is on the 1st of August & I'm thinking, whether or not if my loved ones remembered it. I know they'll only remembered as soon as they see a birthday reminder on Facebook so that is why I deactivated my Facebook account. It's been more than 2 months since my Facebook account have been deactivated.

It doesn't really matter if there's no birthday surprise on my special day, cause 16 years of my life, I have never had that birthday surprise from any of my friends so it's not going to be a big deal for me but at least a birthday wish is all I need. Though it's not that much, the most important thing is by remembering that it's my birthday, that is a surprise for me which I really will going to appreciate it a lot.

Well, we'll see who's going to wish me on my special day. Just hoping the ones that I loved are going to be the ones who's going to wish me Happy Birthday.

Staying strong as a single soul

2011-06-29T02:16:00.009+08:00

Staying strong as a single soul.

Walking through that path in life all alone, though you felt parts of the pieces missing in your heart, still you just carry on, step by step bearing all those emptiness in you

I tried everything at home. I cleaned up the kitchen, washed the laundries, scrub the toilet, everything, but all I get from her is just pain, I suck it up & just talk to her in a normal tone. Sometimes, just ignore her all the way. I've controlled my anger, I've changed & I realized that myself but she thinks that I'm raising my voice, being rude & all. All these tears that I'm carrying with me. I don't want to let go, I just can't. It hurts living in a house which no one is ever going to give you that fairness. I know life is unfair but when it comes to rules in the house, it can be fair. Her words are just temporary, I kept my words but she kept none. Well, what can I say, she's old, her depression is in a pretty bad state.

Now I'm slowly searching for a job again. Everything's all stressed up for me & the only thing that can make me go cool is attending dance practice with my crew. At times when I'm alone, my mind will go wander off in the past, & my heart will start to turn cold, everything around me will turned dark. That missing feeling will reappear & thorns will start pricking my heart. Then I'll just plugged in my earpieces & played a memorable song, there it'll all begun, that beautiful feeling reappeared from the past. It felt so good, but the only feeling I do not like is missing that soul that was in my past. I still love him though but its just that, I just don't want it to appear or my hands will go itchy again, wanting to text him & meet him again.

Being single can be lonely at times, you'll miss the past & of course love but sometimes, it's best being single for now & set everything right for yourself, then from there, after everything's done, you can go on a date & not needing to have that worried feeling about yourself, like money especially. Sometimes, these type of questions tend to reappear out of the blue," Who is going to be my lover? " " How is s/he going to look like? " " Is s/he going to be the one that going to love me so much more than how I'm going to love him/her? " & " Is s/he going to be the one that is going to be afraid of losing me most? " Or " Is s/he going to be like my past stains, hurt me, tear me apart, like a heart breaker? "

But then, I just placed all these questions aside & continue whatever is need to be done cause all those questions will be answered in the future eventually. I just hope that things will be fine soon cause I really can't bear this any longer. Dear God, I just hope that you're going to end this suffering sooner or later, how long more do you want me to be in this state? Waiting patiently, meanwhile, I'm trying to find every way to solve all my shits.

Players

2011-06-16T02:26:00.010+08:00

Players.

Players will always play the game until to the point that they have achieved the love they wanted, & they'll just end the game, leaving the rest of those innocent souls with a broken heart

Some men just couldn't stop dating more than one soul. They just love to play the game & didn't think of the consequences. They didn't think how badly hurt will those souls get after they get to know that they're being played around, they're in the game. I felt it before when my loved ones are going through this kind of shit. I hold onto my love for about 7-8 months. I still remember, those painful times, it really hurts a lot. How you'll end up in tears every other cold night, him appearing through your mind once & never fade away. Those chains with thorns all wrapped around your vulnerable heart.

You feel so hurt, you felt the pain, that pain which slowly oozed out from your heart. You just want to end it all, forget about everything but when you're trying your best to forget about it, forget about him, it'll hurt even more cause he'll be in your mind with the sweet memories, those cute cuddles, the calls you both did every night, the passionate taste of the sugar lips, & the pulling of the hair while he slowly let his tongue linger from your neck, right down to your chests. Because of all those precious memories that are trapped inside your mind, you can't seemed to let him go, not one bit.

All you got to do is just distract yourself, try to find every way to not remember him or anything related to him. You tried your very best, you don't want to fall on your knees, crying while those 3 weakening words came out behind those breath of yours, " I give up. ".

No, that is the last thing you want to breath it out, there must be a way. In the end, with the help of your loved ones, your pain & love towards him will start to lighten up, slowly it starts to fade away. All because of the ones who loved you, they gave you their care, they make you laugh every time with their silly jokes & that goofy attitude. Their accompanies make your heart be at ease, slowly those chains with thorns got all rusty & it'll then break into pieces.

A few weeks later, you'll start to feel so enlighten, no longer hurt, now a smile is drawn on your face though there's a tiny piece left for him. Still, you think as high as the sky & look around, you have your loved ones though you don't feel that you're special towards someone, at least you are loved by your friends & family. They're the ones who never fail to bring you up whenever you fall. And I'm blessed to have these kind of souls around me.

What I'm trying to say here is, if you're in the game, & you can't get out, try to distract yourself. Find every way, never give up cause that's the last thing you want to do. I've been through this, you can just read based on my past posts. It is all written there. Look around you, your loved ones are always there for you. Spend your precious time with them than be at home, wasting your cold tears due to one man who's being such a heartless soul, a player. It's not worth your tears. They'll get what they deserve one day, I can promise you that cause karma do exist.

Just be careful next time cause men these days, cannot be trusted. Don't fall for their sweet empty words cause that is how the love will start.

Tumblr

2011-06-15T01:10:00.008+08:00

Tumblr.

Dear Readers,

I have step into this trendy website called Tumblr. Very addictive & somehow quite cute. Kind of complicated but I can manage. I know I always say how much I really dislike Tumblr & will stick to this old Blogger of mine but with my loved ones who kept pestering me to create a Tumblr account, finally I just did. Now I know no pests will be around me saying Tumblr Tumblr & Tumblr. Don't worry, I'll update this sweet blog of mine, old ones are always the best for me. Do read up on my blog cause I'll be updating it rarely as I'm going to be busy with my work, dance, & outings with my lovely souls. Not to forget, follow me up on Tumblr pretty please with my cute kitten paws on top of you readers' head. The link is at my Profile section & not to forget, I would like to say, thank you for spending your precious time by reading my blog all these while. Really appreciate it truckloads.

XOXO,
Zairul

P.S: Do read up my beloved brother's blog & Tumblr, Dudy Monteiro. A slutty brother I always love & always will.

Drowning

2011-06-13T18:07:00.007+08:00

Drowning.

Drowning in my life of misery, struggling to get out of this heavy pain, all alone with no one to grab me out of this tangled situation

It's been long since I've updated this blog of mine. Apologies for not updating it. Many things happened so fast like in the nick of time. I'm struggling to get out of the misery. At times, my emotions got queered when I'm in a place where there's only silent roaming around cause then, my mind will start contemplating about that beautiful love. These past few weeks, it has been a disaster. For so long I have not teared for someone & a sweet cute looking guy used me up & made the depression run through me.

He claimed that it wasn't his fault at all. I admit that I was at fault partially but why is he putting all the blame on me? I didn't make that first move, everything got so wrong. No development of sparks, nothing positive.. But just the development of melancholy. I wish it didn't happened at all. I did regret it at first but then, it already happened so I'm just moving on taking step by step, gone through the process of tearing, heartbreaking, forgetting about it, everything that needs to be done. It's always both parties who are at fault, never one sided.

He's the first & the last guy who I want to do such physical things that no love will occur. All I could say is, it is hard to trust men in this world. Just be careful cause you might not know how weak & vulnerable your heart can be after things have happened between you & that heartless soul. It really hurts while you're suffering that melancholy sticking to your heart. I know that, it's going to be the last one I'm going to face in that very day cause I can trust no man in this very world, my heart & soul is forbidden from them. Nothing will crack this hard shell of mine. I won't be on my knees feeling weak any longer due to man, I know I won't... For now.

My working life has been a very terrible one. The people there are all so biased just because I'm not the same race as them. They want me to get out of the job real bad. Well, all I could say is, I really dislike this job, I really want to get out of it & I will. But I need to replace this job cause I really need money to support myself. Money doesn't buy happiness, It eases your misery. Keep that in your mind. Just pray for me that I'll get another job soon.

What do you most appreciate about your mom?

2011-05-09T01:24:00.002+08:00

What do you most appreciate about your mom?

That she has taken care of me when I was in her tummy for almost 10months, feed me when I'm hungry, send me off to school in the morning. Every little things she did for me, I really appreciate it very much, though now, we're staying in separate ways as she has disowned me as her son. Whatever it is, the love for her still remains in my fragile heart. Happy Mother's Day, Ibu. I will always love you & I promise that I'll take care of you once I have a proper job. May God bless you with happiness & joy without my presence by your side.

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

A single touch

2011-04-29T03:19:00.001+08:00

A single touch.

A single touch can either mend everything or just break it all to tiny pieces

April is ending & May is reaching. Still jobless, still crawling through this hurting life of mine, trying to find a job just to support myself. My money that I've received from PAYM due to the performance I did in Chingay is running low. Browse every newspaper & there's no job that's suitable for me. These past few days, I've been spending a whole lot of time with my beloved brother & I'm blessed to have a lovable brother named, Dudy Iskandarsyah. He's always there for me, to annoy me, wipe away all of my tears when I'm crying, cheer me up by making funny faces when I'm sulking or when I'm in raging fire. I love him to bits & pieces of the heart. Every time when the moment we need to go off home in separate ways, my heart will start to develop that missing feeling towards him.

As hours passed by, I'll start to feel insecure, lonely without his presence but I need to bear all these emotions & not let them control me or I'll self-mutilate myself. Though love has not touched me, at least I have a brother to love, & be loved. I appreciate with all my heart for what God has given me. Though we're not living in the same flat, we will in the future once we got a proper job. There's been a whole lot of pain striking my heart now but I've been bearing it with all my might. Holding on to my tears pretty tight, grabbing myself & just standing strong, trying to pretend that everything's going to be fine.

Closing my vulnerable heart, closing it tight while letting all my beautiful & fragile feelings inside, keeping it deep inside, not letting any soul to find them. I'm so tiresome, I don't want to love any longer. I don't want to held any stranger's hand. I don't want to date & have the honeymoon period. It's time for me to think for myself first, set everything stable & for now, spend every second of my time with my precious souls.

I know that deep down inside, I miss how the eyes would connect the other, how the lips met the other, how the tongue would just linger down my neck while I pulled his delicate hair, closing my eyes tight, thinking that it's just me & him in this world with no one else caught at sight. How the lovely cupids would fly around us & shoot arrows at our butts, officially giving a sign that we're making the beautiful love. The passion you felt inside your heart while you're doing it rather than you feel so empty, like there's nothing special inside between the both of you.

But all these, I got to stop thinking about it, let them be placed aside cause I can get this when the time comes. Let fate brings them to me, I don't want to find love any longer, let it touch my heart by itself. Let nature conquer everything.

Burning lies.

2011-04-06T16:01:00.013+08:00

Burning lies.

All you gave me were burning lies & now I'm on my knees, crying while my heart is in pain after what you've given me, but you'll get this pain back sooner or later, just wait & see cause karma do exist in this cruel world

I felt something was not right. I got all blue & teary all of a sudden. I got off with my friends & took a long ride bus home with Jannah. She told me about her love problem & I just listened, giving her some of my words before she continue blasting off all the fiery in her. After a while, she switched on her phone to see if she were to receive texts from anyone. There were a few & one of it was from her lover. " Baby, just to let you know... I love you so much. "

My heart felt so warm, a tear almost dripped from my eyes but I chose to hold it back. I told her not to be in a fiery state cause there's no point if both party will not sit down & talk about what have been keeping inside them that makes em' feel all so burn up. She nodded & continue with her story & after a few minutes, we all got silent, for that moment we're in the bus, the bus was filled with silence except for the music that went blasting off from my earpiece. Other than that, there weren't any talking, no laughter, nothing. My mind contemplate so deep, I felt something wasn't right.

Reached to my stop & slowly I walk home, looking up at the clear night sky. Oh what a breeze, the way it touches my hair. Reached to my door step & I unlock the gate & door, slowly stepping in the house. Turned on the laptop & browse through Facebook, my prediction was right.

Dear You,

For 8 months I've waited, 8 months it all got wasted. You lied, you turn my heart to ashes. You used me up & throw me away once you're done with me. You tried to make things up that doesn't even exist in this world to defend yourself. You tried to change the label on someone to something so impossible. You spread all your non-existent facts to the world so that you will be pampered by them, get all the attention you need. Your mentality is so bad, you're so covered up with all the negative emotions that you can't even control yourself. They just got in the way & ruined you.

So much for dying after 7 years from 2002 onwards. A big liar you are, so cunning. Now after every of your hidden truths have been placed right here on my hands, you created more stories & spread to your friends, making them placed hatred on me. Now, you want to find me together with your friends & throw all your rage on me, letting me hurt physically when I've been hurt more than enough inside. Your maturity level is so low, I'm rather disappointed. I'll just pray to God that your condition won't worsen cause I really do have a pity on you. Please try to upgrade your mind and control whatever you are doing.

Don't let your big ego that is way off the chart to get in the way, don't be so selfish cause whatever you do, more negative happenings will strike you hard. Stop complaining & start changing. I'm not being a drama boy here but whatever I say is true, no lies, just facts. Stop living in your own world & start facing the reality. And so, if you want to mutilate me so badly, you may proceed. I'm not afraid of you. All I know is you're caught up in that mental state, you're just too depressed. You can't even control yourself. You're not strong at all, you're so weak. Yes, a cancer who have a hard skin, but deep inside, you're soft & weak. Whatever you want to do to me, nothing will change in reality, even if you feel the satisfaction after hurting me. Still, you will be labelled as a big liar. A man who is full of burning lies.

Before I leave this post, I believe you're familiar with this sentence:

" Depression has drown you & you'll never realized til now. "

Sincerely,
Zairul

Dear Single souls

2011-04-03T20:00:00.001+08:00

Dear Single souls.

Dear single souls, don't let your cold tears fall when your beautiful past conquered your mind, instead you should just take a step forward to the future & smile cause you'll know that God will make your future a brighter & more beautiful than what have past

Its going to strike 8 months, sitting here on the ground, waiting for you to come back to me. I rejected love from every soul that wanted me to be in their arms cause my love is only meant for you. I bear this lonely pain & the missing feeling of being with you by spending time with my loved ones. 1st of April has past & my mind is still setting on you til someone chatted with me through online. He questioned me what you & I did & I questioned him back, " Who are you to him? " And when he replied & told me the story he did with you, my eyes were reddened, my hands were shivering & tears were rising.

My mind totally got blank, my mouth ran out of words & my jar of hearts just dropped & scattered to pieces. A tear went running down my cheek, I just couldn't believe what he just said. My body just broke down & all I could do was hold back these tears, trying to be strong. Everything we did, I thought it's only going to be you & me, but then you came sleeping with another soul, not one but two. I should've known. All the hurting truths finally revealed, all to be seen right in front of my eyes. All the hurting words, captured in mind. Couldn't believe that you did all these when I'm not with you. All the love I kept, all the things I did, all the waiting I've done, everything is all wasted.

That's not all, yesterday a guy added me up in Facebook. He pm me, saying thanks & stuff. I mentioned out your name since I saw your pictures with him. We chatted & finally, more hurting truths were revealed. That guy who added me up, is none other than your lover whom you're together with for more than a year. I gave myself some silent moments & out of the blue, I came tearing. What have I done? When I was with you, you were still with him. I got so down that I can just bend down on my knees, crying while covering this cracked face of mine. Where can I hide this slutty face? Such a filthy slut. Loving another man who is already in someone's arms. Now, I pack my feelings & tears away & move on to another place where you wouldn't even exist.

This is a lesson learnt that we single souls shouldn't wait for anyone too long cause you might never know in the end that your efforts will end up nothing. I've learnt that though no one is holding you in their arms with your jar of hearts, at least you got your loved ones around you, to make you laugh when you're in tears, make you smile when you're down & will do anything for you just to see that beautiful smile drawn on your face. Yes, I was in tears yesterday morning which was past midnight & my brother was there for me, hugging me tight then kissed my forehead, telling me that everything's going to be fine, just let the tears dropped til there's no more left for him. I smiled after that & tell him that this tear that has fallen from my eyes, that is the very last one. Now it's time to give him a goodbye & its time for me to move on. " You should realized that is it worth holding on? " That was the sentence my dear brother gave & it got my mind running. I regret staying & not making a move to the future. But now, I've already gave my last tear & a farewell goodbye to him on the 2nd day of April.

Its time for me to move on into the future, though love won't be at sight. At least my dear loved ones are here around me, making me smile when I'm down, standing up for me when they know I'm not in the wrong, scolding me when I did something wrong, advice me when I'm in need of help, hugging me tight when I'm in need of some warmth, or when I'm in tears. I'm touched to have this kind souls. For now, love will be placed aside cause I don't need it that much. To me, Love is just a bonus in life. Just hold on tight to the ones who love you truly & let go of the ones who just want you to be someone you are not, & those souls are just shadows.

I still won't ever forget what he did to me. So foolish of me to love him, to even trust him. How I wish I don't even know him so that I won't get this kind of feelings in the end. But all I can do is just get back up on my two feet & move on. I may never trust guys again like how I used to trust them & especially you, I can never trust you again. May you have a very good life ahead.

Farewell,
Zairul

I know you all have eye-candies but don't you guys ever wonder who's the people who are eye-candying you? :)

2011-03-31T13:09:00.001+08:00

I know you all have eye-candies but don't you guys ever wonder who's the people who are eye-candying you? :)

Answer here

Dreams, Nightmares

2011-03-20T21:29:00.008+08:00

Dreams, Nightmare.

Dreams are so beautiful that it makes you want to close your eyes forever, living in em', forgetting the reality, but when it has turned into a nightmare, the only thing you would want to do is run back to reality

Walking through the underpass all alone with everything so cold & all you can only see was dust, cracked walls & dim lights. But as I walk deep into the underpass, I suddenly saw someone, or rather a few people from a distance. Does my eyes deceived me? Or what I see was real? I wanted to be sure so I took a few steps forward & then, I took a few steps some more & from there, I didn't stop, I continued walking & this time, as briskly as I could. Then I ran towards them & I hugged them tight, a tear ran down my cheek. It was my beloved brother, his boyfriend, my 9 years close friend & a friend which I just know him for almost 3 months, he have been helping me a lot lately. I stopped hugging them, & just stood rooted to the ground while I stare at each & everyone of them. They just smile & no words were heard.

Suddenly, they just walk away slowly from me, I asked them where are they going but all I heard was the silent background & so I followed slowly from behind. Then we came into a room & in that room was a big pile of mess with a big window at the side. I slowly let my head out of the window & take a look of the surroundings. All I could see was the sea & a big cliff. Shockingly, we're so high on top. I looked at my beloved ones, then suddenly a friend of mine, the one who I know for 3 months took a few steps forward & stood at the window. I don't know why didn't I do anything about it but just watched, he looked back at me & just smile, then he jumped out of the window.

I quickly ran to the window & take a look, I screamed as his head was about to hit that hard rooftop but then, he just fall away from that rooftop, I was shocked with this face of mine full of tears. My heart was still thumping loudly, did he just repelled from that rooftop? Then my beloved brother & his boyfriend hold hands while they stood there at the window, then after a few seconds of them looking at each others' eyes, they faced down & jumped. Last but not least, my 9 years close friend, jumped out of the window as well. I feel like my heart is going to stop with my knees shivering so badly. Then someone pushed me out the window & I fall right into the sea. I quickly swam up & finally my head was out. I looked at them, I was in panic. A few seconds later, I blacked out.

Opened my eyes, everything was so blur. Blinked my eyes a few times & I was with my beloved brother again & his boyfriend, but the other two weren't here with us, then again, someone else is here with us, it's the guy that I still can't forget about, & take a step forward to moving on. I was shocked, speechless & my heart suddenly felt so glad to finally see him. Can't believe still that he's here with us. I feel like I'm in a dream, is this even real? I wondered but then I didn't think about it too much. So we were walking, I don't know where were we going but all I know was that we're walking. Brother & him kept teasing me, I got so irritated that I just pushed them away & quickly walk away.

He quickly ran to me & pulled my hand. I looked at him with heart rage in fire. He just looked into my eyes, he smiled, then he teased me again. I pushed him away & walk off. Then I saw a train at full speed as I walk away & its going to his direction. I slowly turned back, tears were dripping, my knees were shaking, my heart nearly stopped pounding. I almost fall on my knees but then, my brother quickly grabbed hold of me. I can clearly see the body been badly damaged. I screamed in pain, I can't believe that he's gone. I regret for walking away, I blamed myself for being too sensitive. I didn't even get to spend time with him in a proper way.

I swear to myself that I'm going to regret this, the guilty feeling is going to be tattooed right in my heart til the day I closed this eyes of mine. I feel like ending my life, my care for myself & everyone whom I loved is all shattered. The feeling of not having a good future is so strong. Then night came, my aunt suddenly appeared. Then I saw my daddy sitting on a bench beside a very very fat man who is lying down, sleeping soundly. I looked at my daddy & tears rised again. Then everyone hugged me tight, I looked at the body & cried.

Woke up & my face was full with tears. Then I sat down, my mind kept playing the part where he got hit by the train & where I see the body been badly damaged. I can never forget the body, it has been captured in mind. Tears went dripping, I text him to know whether he is still breathing now, safe & sound. He replied a few hours later, I was relieved. I checked my brother's tumblr, to see if he has update it yet. I checked nearly almost every single soul whom I am really closed with. They're all fine, still breathing, still busy with their own life.

I asked to myself, " What is this? " And suddenly a sentence appeared in mind a few minutes later, " A lesson not to leave your loved ones for a very long time, but instead treasure them with all your heart, spend every single minute you have for them cause you might never know when will they leave this cruel world. " Kept thinking about it, the sentence is still in my mind. I want to meet them again but I'm just too afraid, the embarrassing feeling is still there in my heart. I'm not over it, I'm so pressurized. It's been more than a week & it has been a sleepless night for me. Oh God, I know I've done a lot of sins but please, I beg of you, let my future & the souls whom I loved be a bright one, no tears, no pain, but just happiness. Please fulfill this wish, just this once cause I can't bear to see myself or the rest to take another step to a whole lot of pain.

Heyy my dear! I wanna ask, what type of guy you'll like to have in your life? (:

2011-03-18T19:43:00.006+08:00

Heyy my dear! I wanna ask, what type of guy you'll like to have in your life? (:

This kind of question have been appearing again & again. :/

I want a guy to touch my heart, sincerely.
I want a guy to ask me face-to-face if I want to take a step forward from dating/friends to a r/s
I want a guy to promise that as long as we're together & as long as the love is still there, I want him to be faithful & honest.
I want a guy to make me feel warm & secured while his arms is wrapped around my skinny body.
I want a guy to give me forehead kisses [ fav. kiss ]
I want a guy to bring me to the beach & watch the sunset together til the night came & the moon with the stars appearing all around the night sky & I want a guy to look into my eyes & tell me that his biggest fear now is losing me, " I love you. "

If I don't get this kind of soul, it's alright. This is just something I've been wishing, that's all. :)

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Misunderstood

2011-03-17T14:29:00.005+08:00

Misunderstood.

Just a little misunderstood can caused a string to tangle

This few days were sleepless nights for me with a restless mind & an aching heart with hand grasped tight, controlling it not to punch any plain hard walls. A few minutes have passed & it strike 7 o'clock in the morning & out of the blue, the wind started blowing hard, then thunders clapped & raindrops started falling from the sky. I closed my eyes & feel the hard wind blowing like I'm in a room where there's a gigantic fan on top of the ceiling spinning hard. Flashbacks started playing in my mind so I started plugging in my earpiece & played a song on repeat mode.

The feeling of missing someone appeared in that fragile heart of yours really hurt a lot with the mind playing the beautiful moments we had when we're together. It caused insomniac, depression, stress & negative thoughts will come running into your mind til self-mutilation will occurred. Every second when he is in your mind, thinking whether he is alright without you around, whether he is smiling instead of tearing. It is so hard for me to breathe when everything is all tangled up in my mind. The misunderstood he had, the words that he had inserted in my mouth & the self-mutilation that he did whenever he's thinking too much.

It'll be my very last post for you, if you still don't understand what I'm trying to say here, I have no more words to say left. I'm tired of explaining, I'm tired of shedding tears while typing this & apparently I'm tired of everything here in my life. I've never expect anything from anyone of my friends, not even my relatives & especially not even you. I still remembered the words that I gave you, a promise. A promise not to leave you til the day I close this eyes of mine. I'm not leaving you this time, but just having some alone time for myself. Like I said, If I do leave you, I'll tell you. I know you'll asked me why did I ran in the first place not just stop & turn back instead. It is because, I got too stress & embarrassed. That is why I runaway, to have some alone time. To feel ease with no one around.

I'm not troubling anyone, I didn't expect anyone to be there for me, did I? That is why I'm alone now, handling shits around me. I didn't expect you to be there for me every second. When I'm in tears, when I'm hurt at home, I didn't come running after you. In fact, a few problems still I've not mentioned to anyone & even if I did, I won't come running back to anyone when it still have not been solved. I'm saying this in a very heart of matter. I don't mind you being the bitchy self but everyone have their own limits & surely you have went over the limit. I'm not expecting anything & I didn't even mention that word, I just want to have my alone time & I'll come back when I'm ready cause I'm still not yet over with what happened. Say whatever you want to say, I'm done here. Thank you for reading & goodbye.

Dear you

2011-03-15T20:23:00.014+08:00

100th Post: Dear you.

Dear you,

I'll just make everything clear so that there won't be any misunderstanding. I am giving myself time for my own, I want to mend things right. I'm disappointed about what happened. I'm still embarrassed so I'm just giving myself time to get over it. So where is the part did I say that I'm leaving your life? I didn't even say I wanted to until after you shoot out all those painful words on Facebook & Formspring. Since you put it that way that I'm "leaving" your life. Then I am doing it now, by deactivating my Facebook, deleting Twitter. Just because I runaway from you, doesn't mean I am leaving you. I'm just so stress up over what have happened.

I just need time for myself. I just need to get over things. You do not need to be sorry cause like I said, everything is done. It's over, I've already forgiven you the minute the shit was done. I know things happened in the club. You do not need to explain. I know you had your shits in there but that doesn't mean you need to embarrass me in front of everyone, do you? It's like you're the cherry on top of after R have threw his tantrum towards me in front of everyone. I'm not being sensitive or so emotional but just put yourself in my shoe, these 2 incidents happened to you & everyone's watching, but whatever it is, if you don't feel the embarrassment, fine. I know you have that "no face" attitude but I'm different.

And I didn't say, leaving was easy cause in the first place, I didn't even say that I'm leaving you cause this time, I just want to be alone at home. Who says leaving someone's life whom you love most was easy? In fact, the first time I left you was hard alright. It took me days for me to bear with it but in the end, I came back. Now this is not another leaving someone's life drama. This is wanting some time to be alone, my personal space. I'm just disappointed with you. Told you not to embarrass me a couple of times but in the end, you've crossed the line. But it's alright, I understand. And not to worry, since you think I'm leaving you so much, I'll just go with the flow. I know you'll be fine, I ain't a true brother after all just like your true friends huh? Have a great day ahead, I'll always pray for your safety.

Yours sincerely,
Zairul

A true soul, will understand you, won't leave you unreasonably, will comfort you when you're down, will always be there for you through thick & thin & will do anything just to make you smile. S/He'll let you know the ugly truth than be covered in the dark with those beautiful lies. S/He rather let you cry for hearing the truth than smile for some lies & later on, let you fall on your knees after everything was revealed.

A true soul, will always come back after a big mess s/he had with you. Wipe off your heartbreaking tears when you're in pain, telling you everything is going to be okay when s/he's around & hug you tight, making you feel all better. S/He'll stand up for you when you're not in the wrong & scold you if whatever you did isn't right for your life or anyone. Giving you the care & support that you need, a listening ear when you got a problem in mind & try to help things out if s/he could. If s/he didn't do anyone of this, then s/he is just a shadow that walks behind you & fades away later on.

Alone

2011-03-14T23:07:00.004+08:00

Alone.

I cry alone with no shoulder to lie on, I get back up alone when I fall on my knees, I settle my problems alone when they strike me, I walk alone through this empty life & that shows how strong I am, as a single soul

I'm all alone now. Nobody is around me anymore. Life of mine is like a ghost town. Moving on alone, no one to support me, no one to be there for me always. Everything is all up to myself. If I fall on my knees, I need to get back up on my own. If I cry for love, I need to find a solution, by distracting myself from it. I got to be strong no matter what happens. Don't want to be a burden to anyone from now on. Though the feeling of loneliness will tend to ache this heart of mine, I will still bear with it no matter what. Still holding on to this cold tears while I type out what I want to say. Pretending that everything's alright when everything is ruined. Putting up a smile on my face when my eyes is holding on a thousand tears. Trying to build up hopes that it'll be brighter in the future when darkness have already conquered my life.

Nothing's right anymore, everything's all wrong. It just made me took a few moments to stare at the plain mirror, thinking of the ones who were there for me always & there it goes, one by one they fade away. That's where my heart feel so cold without them, so empty. I'm just too emotional. I feel for others, I'm so weak. So I should just be alone, bear with all the pain, face all my problems & dump it away once I'm done. I want to be strong. I'm doing my best. Why must I owned a heart so emotional, so beautiful yet so weak? Why should I care for others, helped them with their problems, when none helped with mine? I may be a fool but all I know is that I live only once. I'm not like a cat on the street who owned 9 lives. I want to let the ones I love, shine & let them have a smile drawn on their faces before I closed this eyes of mine.

I'll pray to God if I could, though I'm just a soul who doesn't believe in any religion, only him. I'll try to be back on track to be a Muslim. Not now, not sooner, but maybe when I feel it in my heart, the sincerity of being proud being a Muslim. I'll instead, just close my eyes every night with both hands clasped tight, letting my soft lips leaned against em' & pray to God hoping that everything is going to be brighter in the future & may the souls whom I left for now be safe as they go through their journey in life.

Runaway

2011-03-13T20:33:00.009+08:00

Runaway.

I runaway from everything with tears falling from the eyes while the heart shatters to tiny pieces, & I let myself into the darkness, sitting all alone thinking why must all of this hit me in just so little time

It was my night, where all I can do was just dance & put aside all the problems that I have. Lights were shining all around, smokes everywhere & the club got everyone bouncing. Good-looking guys were around me, dancing & smiling. My heart skipped a beat when a few of my eye-candies were dancing right in front of me. I just look at my friend with a smile while I dance, try not to make it obvious so I just look at him all the way while we dance to the music. Then the last song was done, everyone cheered & they want one more song, so the DJ played one last one & the club have gone wild. I dance with my brother like its just only me & him, we got up close & slowly our lips touched with our tongues wrapped around. Love it when we're doing incest bromance. When the last music was done, we got out of club.

Stood outside with one of my friend, waiting for the rest. Then my brother suddenly approached one of my eye-candies & told him that I like him. My jaw totally dropped after what I heard, & my brother could even tell him that I would want to get to know him. My mind got blank, I ran out of words & then his friends laughed, & they just walk off. It got me thinking what would they say, what would he say especially. I don't know where to hide this cracked face. Then R suddenly asked me in rage on where his boyfriend went. I got shocked, then he asked me again but this time, even louder & vulgarities were inserted. Just replied him & he told me to call him. I could see it in his eyes that he was really mad. Called my close friend since I know that his boyfriend have switched off his phone, & yes, his boyfriend was there with him. Hung up & told him that his boyfriend is with RP, I was embarrassed cause he just threw his tantrum on me in public & everyone was looking.

My heart cracked into two on what have happened just now, so I walk briskly to Maxwell Center, found them both sitting while talking to each other. Asked him where did he go cause R have just gone mad, he was shocked & he told me that he just want to accompany RP. I sat down & let out a big sigh. My eyes were reddened, I told M what happened while he cooled me down, tears were rising & I couldn't take it anymore so I just took the stuffs that I needed most in my brother's bag & just walk off. M hold my arm, ordering me to stop but I just pushed his hand away & went off. Tears were rising, the two incident kept playing back in my mind. How people looked at me, how they laughed. How embarrassed when all those things occurred.

Then suddenly, I heard someone called my name & it was my brother. I quickly runaway while tears went spilling from the eyes, then I stop for awhile, panting. Looked back & he wasn't there. I wipe my tears away, but still more came running down my cheeks. Looked down while walking alone through the empty town. Plugged in my earpiece & played a song. My mind can't stop giving that embarrassing flashback. All I could do was just shooked my head & give a sigh. Took out my phone & wanted to check the time, then when I wanted to place my phone in my pocket, it slipped off from my hand. Can things go any worse? Light up my one last cigarette. Then it burnt my thumb, damn it hurts. The worst night? Yes. Reached to Raffles City & I sat at Starbucks.

Went to the MRT Station after I browse on the internet on my phone, waiting for it to be opened. Took the first train & went off to D's crib. Reached his place, he opened the door & I went in. Sat down on the sofa, he asked me sarcastically whether the club was fun while he was using his computer & I just replied a straight answer, no. He scolded me cause I didn't even listen to his advice. Tears came running down, I just cry in silence. He came to me & sat down beside me on the sofa. Never even face him at all. He wanted to hug me but I just slowly move myself away from him. We had a long talk & I had a very long crying time. He then hugged me in the end while I let my head lie on his chest, but what I couldn't accept most is this sentence he just gave me,"Who would want to love a dying man like me?" And my heart just replied,"Me." But then, he himself answered,"No one." And that's where I cried even more.

It is really heartbreaking when he didn't notice that I still love him or was he just pretending not to notice? I'm just out of words. Nothing is on it's original place now. I just want to be alone for now, I'm not leaving anybody but I'm just cooling down. I know I'm being too sensitive but try to put yourself in my shoe. Those embarrassing moments, seriously in front of the gayboys? In this gay world, those boys will just spread around on what happen. It is quite a drama. We're worst than girls. But then, I read someone's wall. About "disappearing acts"? You just say whatever you want to say. I just come & go? Fine. For you, this time I'll definitely go & will not come back as you wish. But not to worry, I won't be one bitch & bitch about you. I mean come on, have I back stabbed you? I know not. Never would I gossip with someone on the person whom I love. I'm not up to that level. When I love someone a lot, I would only want to make him/her smile, not drown to tears. I'm kind of disappointed that you might think that I'll bitch about you?

Whatever it is, now you don't need to waste your care towards me. A good thing isn't it? Thought that I just want to cool down for awhile. But then with that status? Fine, I'll just make my move. May your days be good without me from now on. I know this time, no one would give a damn. I'm okay, I'll just pray for the safety of you all. I'll take care of myself, cry alone without a shoulder, get back up on my own if I ever happened to fell on my knees & just settle everything alone. Me, myself & I walking through this path alone, in this empty life... In this cruel world.

And dear brother, I have long forgiven you & everyone after what happened so no need to be sorry. Just take care of yourself.

The Beauty Of Nature

2011-03-11T21:40:00.008+08:00

The Beauty Of Nature.

And the beauty of nature helps soothe my heart when it has been conquered by the negative emotions

Mind is filled with negative thoughts. Heart is cracking bit by bit while he's in my mind. Closed my eyes, trying to cool down by breathing slowly, focusing on what is happening around me, trying to forget about what's in my mind & heart but instead just listening to the surroundings. The pitter-patter of the rain drops, the sounds of stray cats meowing, & the touch of the wind blowing through my neck. It all then let out a smile on my face, slowly with the negative thoughts & emotions fading away.

All with the helped from the beauty of nature, my heart is all mended. Feel so calmed with the stars tonight are brighter than ever, with the wind blowing so hard. Oh what a cold night. I closed my eyes again, while I imagined a soul right behind me, letting his breath touched my delicate neck, wrapping his arms around my skinny body while letting his tongue slither around my ear. My apologies if I'm being too carried away, guess my heart misses the taste of romance, how passionate I'll go if I were to be in a room on a soft bed with a good-looking man.

It all felt so good when your heart can feel the love that you're making with him while going through the clawing of the bed sheets, the licking from the chest right to the hot spot, the sucking, the biting on his lower lips with his soft hair being pulled when he let his finger slowly linger around your arousing spot & finally when you both have reached to that satisfaction, you will just cuddle up together on the soft bed, pulling up the blanket sheet with him stroking your hair while you let out a purr.

It really is satisfying when it comes to romance on the bed especially when you get to feel that beautiful feeling, the love he have given instead of nothing. How passionate we'll go on the cold night. But all this will just be kept in mind, so long have I not been in a relationship with another soul. So hard, but still moving on, searching to find the right one as time runs by. I'm just hoping, that the next one will not use me but instead, love me & be faithful through thick & thin, til the love lasted.

The heart

2011-02-28T01:46:00.006+08:00

The heart.

I want your hard body to lean against mine while we look into each others' eyes, slowly letting our lips meet cause the heart misses the way how we touch & make love while I pull your delicate hair through the cold night

Alone in the living room, once again I couldn't lay my hands off this laptop cause it is a must for updating this dear blog of mine. My mind came wandering off thinking of him, his soft lips, how our lips met when we're on the comfy bed, his mesmerizing eyes, how he look into mine til I can't lay off of his, & how I pull his soft delicate hair as soon as his wet tongue went down from my neck to my hard chest. The breathing goes heavy when this mind came playing of how we make love on the comfy bed through that cold night. It went so passionately, so smoothly like I'm the only boy in his world. The satisfaction was there, the love I had given him was so strong, I could feel it through this warm heart of mine but what about his? I wonder.

Well, I should just stop thinking about it cause there's not a doubt that the love he had for me once will be resurrected back again. Though this caused my heart to shatter but the only way left I can only do is just to lift up my feet & take a step forward, making my way through the beautiful or painful future. I have meet up the ones who have touched my life with beautiful colors & that are my dear gay family. Hugs & tears were involved & truly I miss them a lot too. My heart feel a lot more lighter when I met those family of mine.Yes, I will do my best not to disappear myself again, just hope for me that I'll be alright when I go through this painful journey in my life, just don't ever forget to hold my hand tight, never letting go cause without you all, I'm weak, insecure & lonely.

I am a boy who owned a weak soul, a fragile heart & a negative mind but with you beautiful souls around, I now owned, a strong soul, a heart of steel & a bright positive mind. You souls enlightened me with all your love & your surroundings. How can I not be grateful of what God have given me? Just want to say that I'm thankful for everything you dear souls have done for me & I wish I can repay all your kindness & everything you all have done for me.

Before I shut this laptop down, I would like to especially thank to my only beloved gay brother, Dudy Monteiro for everything. Just read my soft lips, captured it & locked it into that heart of yours cause dear brother, you're the only one that no one can ever replace to shine my fragile heart even when I have fallen from my knees & got a shattered heart. You're the only one who can mend this broken heart & burn all the negative emotions away. I truly love you from the center of my heart, forever your name will always be tattooed right at the center of it. I'll never forget you even if a massive argument will caused us to move on in separate ways. I'll always remember on how you've helped me when I'm in need of an extra hand, you were always there. I can see it through your eyes that you did your very best til a tear can be shed right at this moment. Just hope we'll last til we have to set this souls go.

Dear You

2011-02-23T22:17:00.011+08:00

Dear You.

Dear You, you're such a beautiful soul to love, how can God not create someone as special as you

Dear beloved gay brother, Dudy,

I know that you've been trying to get back to me with all the messages & calls you've given & you have created Twitter & added my first account in Facebook just to get in contact with me but sadly, I didn't reply any of your messages or pick up any one of your calls. My apologize for not doing so. I know you've missed me with all your tiny pieces of the heart & I do miss you too as you know it but you know that I don't have any intention of breaking your heart into a million tears.You're a beautiful soul that have came into my life & warm up my cold heart. How can I not love you more? Your characters tickle up my heart & let out laughter with the blues fading away, your smile make a huge pencil that drew a gigantic wide smile on my cracked face & your comfort could mend my broken colorless heart.

Your a brother that I truly am grateful to have, to love, to share my bleeding problems when I'm down, a brother that I can give hello & goodbye kisses whenever we meet & have to go on home in separate ways. A brother that I can comfort whenever you're in tears due to some thorns that have pricked your fragile heart & a brother that I can goof around with in town or wherever we are at. I really love you from the bottom of my broken heart & I've been having this urge of meeting you badly but still, I controlled myself, not taking a step forward in meeting you & not dialing up your number to give you a call or a text either. I would want to meet you & hug you real tight like you're my smelly little soft pillow & give kisses like how we used to give each other when we meet but it's not the right time yet. I'm forbidden to meet you or anyone for now.

But I can promise you that it'll be soon, very soon. Just get ready & I know when we meet, we're going to have a long talk. Smile always alright cause you've always been in my mind every night & day, thinking if you're alright wherever you are, whether you are safe or not til you were in my beautiful dreams along with your fat kitty of course, Miles. I have not forgotten you still cause forever, your name have been tattooed right at the center of this heart. May God give you guidance as he leads you along the way. Meow meow brother, meow meow~

Your baby brother,
Zairul

Nightmare in the house

2011-02-20T22:32:00.009+08:00

Nightmare in the house.

As the cold night goes young, & as this tears come slipping down, my mind came running, thinking when will this nightmare in the house end cause as time passes by, my heart can't bear to carry all this pain any longer

In this cold living room alone with the fan blowing at my direction. Have been sleeping on the red sofa of the living room this past few nights. Caught a cold & a slight fever. Body is as enervate as ever. With a blurry sight when stood up, my head feel so heavy as ever. It feels like someone have been punching my head repeatedly. The pain, it hurt so terribly. Coughing non-stop. No cigarettes left for me, just me, the house & the days left for me to be away from everyone. I got no choice but to be in this house & settle every shit that is happening right now. Though it kills my heart slowly, but still... I'm bearing this heavy pain that have been bestowed upon me.

Just waiting for this nightmare to end, & as soon as it ends, I can just step out of this nightmare & meet those beautiful souls that have shine my dark life, grab my hand just to pull me up when I fall right off my knees & give me a tight warm hug, telling me that everything's going to be alright. Those sweet feeling tingles my heart as the people I love came around my mind. It drew out a smile on my face when I kept thinking of these beautiful souls. The missing feeling was there, I miss them to bits, really I do. I can feel that there's a big difference when they're here, around you & when they're far away, from you.

The feeling of love, secured, laughter & no space for loneliness & pain were there whenever they're around me, but now... Those negative feelings are right here, caged in my broken heart & as time came slipping by, the feeling got heavier til it leads to tears. I'm doing this for a reason so I apologize if I disappeared myself from everyone. I have no intention to hurt anyone, I swear. I just wish that I wouldn't be in this kind of position right now. I know I'm not lost, I know where I am, but I just really hate it here.

3 more days... Just hope that I'll be alright cause I don't want to continue overdosing myself every time she starts pressurizing me with all her empty words. God, make me feel strong. Love ones, pray for my safety. And you, never give up on waiting for me if you really love me. Goodnight.

This melancholy soul

2011-02-18T19:11:00.009+08:00

This melancholy soul.

As time went slipping by, the darkness slowly conquered the light, making everything unseen, letting this melancholy soul all alone in this dark life with the deep feelings of insecurity, loneliness & pain filling up the heart. Tears rises the eyes as it pricked the heart, slowly the soul went into the darkness, leaving everything from the light, making himself disappear from everything

The serenity of the night calmed the heart, as I closed my eyes, it slowly cleared everything that was in my mind, the feeling of the wind touching my delicate skin really let out a purr, the sound of the stray cats at the foot of the block singing through the night as it was still young. I opened my eyes & tears was rising. I looked at the mirror that was in my aunt's room, looking at myself, my cracked face, my skinny body & a burning cigarette in between my index finger & the middle one. Questions were echoed in my mind. Life got a lot more worse as the world revolves.

My mind imaged the beloved souls who have helped me a lot in my life through thick & thin, my beloved gay brother, my gay brother-in-law & especially my special friend who have been supporting me a lot. My heart felt so warm while my eyes were closed with those souls that were captured in my mind, then it all fade away & my heart got cold & darkened. The silent house is filled with hatred, anger & pain now. Back then, the house was filled with, happiness & laughter, not a single negative emotion were caged in someone's heart. But now, it all changed...

Thoughts of moving out of the house & living in Malaysia is a high chance of my grandmother to want to go on with that decision bringing along my 13-year-old aunt & I with her, leaving her 22-year-old daughter in the house. Yes, this house is definitely full of dramas but all I can give out is just a triple dot. It all went so badly, having a pressurized mind & an enervate heart. Then all those pain that have caused her to rage in fire hit me so bad, she threw all of it to me. I just don't know what to do but just caged everything inside my fragile heart, sitting there with tears being hold strongly, never wanting a tear to shed from the eyes. I'm disappointed of what is happening revolves around my life.

I'm just a boy who still owns no part-time job yet. Wanted a job real bad before my holidays are done but so far, no calls were given from various shops who have written down my name & number. I just do not want to trouble anyone when I'm going out with them & I especially do not want to trouble him, my dear special friend. I'm just hoping that when I open my eyes the next morning, it'll start to get better than worsen as time went slipping by. For now, I'll just wave a goodbye, disappearing myself from everyone... I'm sorry, but I just don't want to be a burden to anyone any longer. May God brings you beloved souls joy & happiness without me as he guides you along the way.

Lots of Love,
Zairul

A broken soul

2011-02-08T18:36:00.008+08:00

A broken soul.

As time passed by, the urge of wanting to move on gets a lot more tougher, when it gets tough, negative emotions conquered the heart, when it conquered, self-mutilation occurred, & when it have occurred, the heart cries while waiting for the right reasons to spill out from you so that he can take a step forward to moving on after hearing all the right reasons, but til then, he is just left as a broken soul

I have a close friend, a close friend who's always down with life full of black & white. The one who have similar personalities/thinking/likes/dislikes with me [ well almost everything ] & we just labelled ourself as twin hearts cause even though we do not have similar looks but our inner self are almost the same. His lonely heart always cry for love every late night, cold tears will rised & just run down through his cheeks while his mind is playing of those lovely memories with the one he loves most. Everything went so smoothly back then, even though they have made big arguements, but still in the end, they will went back together as one piece again. As time passed by, arguements were made between his lover & his lover's bestfriend. Then a few days past, their love went weak & sadness occurred. In the end, everything turned out as chaos & his lover left him without any reasons given. Now he is just left as a broken soul with a curious mind running around everytime. Unexpected thoughts occurred through his mind & he wouldn't want it to be the reason of his lover's leaving his life.

Then more thoughts came appearing in his mind & as time passed by, the problems he kept to himself got more & more heavier til he can't take it any longer. He want to set everything right, he wants to move on, but without answers given, he is still stuck in the past & never want to step into the future. Days past & answers slowly revealed through online & turned out that his lover is now in someone's hand. Things got more confusing to him cause when he dated his lover, did he go mingling around with another soul or did he even love him in the first place? Questions are still kept in mind & it will be revealed soon enough.

I just want to say that whatever the reason is, you know that you need to move on. You deserve someone better, WE deserve someone better. You know that you can always count on me. Just don't ever let guys step you down. Prove to them that you're strong enough to overcome this pain. I know that God let us wait for a reason, he is just waiting for the right time to let the lover of our life to touch our heart & let us have colorful fireworks in our colorless life. Remember, you're not alone. Your friends & I will always be there for you whenever...

Your twin heart,

Zairul

Is it wrong to be bisexual ?

2011-02-02T00:50:00.003+08:00

Is it wrong to be bisexual ?

It is not wrong if you're born to be one, but you have got to lead only one path. Don't tell me that you want to date both genders? Cause you know that in the end, you have got to choose only one gender to be in your life til the day you have to leave this world. Please, don't be one greedy soul & just choose which one are you attracted to most, if you're attracted to man most, then you can just lead in a gay life but if you're attracted to woman most, then just be straight & not mingling around with gayboys like us. We're humans, never a toy. We want to be love like how every human being want to feel that beautiful feeling. In this world, don't ever be greedy cause in the end, you'll lose everything that you ever wanted most & for your info, almost every gays/lesbians doesn't like bisexuals cause we only believe that we should only choose one path, never both so when it comes to love, only ONE soul can love us & we can only love ONE soul which is only ONE gender til the day we die. So choose wisely, & choose only ONE.

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Raindrops

2011-01-30T18:38:00.008+08:00

Raindrops.

Just waiting for every single raindrop to fall from the black stormy clouds & splashes right to the hard ground cause I want to see a beautiful bright rainbow appear right after the storm have done crying

Stood at the side of the window watching the raindrops fall from the sky & splashes to the glass window while lighting up my cigarette between my two fingers. Took a few puffs & it clears up the stress & some negative emotions away, giving me some cooling feeling inside my body. My mind suddenly wandered off somewhere while I was taking a few puffs on my cigarette. Then my mind have made up its decision after letting me see all those moments when I was contacting with S A. I think I should tell you, tell you everything when we have meet, only just the two of us cause I am tired of keeping what I have been keeping inside this fragile heart. Now please don't leave me silently if you're not a coward soul & face me for the last time if that will be our very last on the day where we can sit down in a quiet, cozy place & sacrifice some free time of yours, while I express everything out to you, everything.

I don't want to tell you if it's related to happiness or pain but whatever it is, just get ready & hear what I got to say cause like I said, I'm tired of keeping it inside when now, I'm ready to let it all out.

What If.

2011-01-18T12:39:00.006+08:00

What If.

What if I'm still holding back my past never wanting to move on into the future, will you leave me alone & let me suffer cause I am still not ready to be in a relationship with anyone but only with the one that I've kept my love for still

5 months still have I been hanging by this Love & 5 months still I've not been moving on one bit. The day when my eyes have caught sight of you while you were walking towards my clans & it was quite a shock to my heart. I quickly turned away & let my eyes looked somewhere else cause it was starting to redden & it got flooded with tears, so as soon as you greeted them with a handshake & left. I see you walk away & I just wipe this tears away. Can you feel that my heart have been wanting to be with you still? Why won't you looked into my eyes & see for yourself that I have this feeling of needing you, of loving you til the very end but I see you have a heartless soul who doesn't even bother to even give a damn about how I feel when I've explained to you how I truly felt & how long have I been hanging by this love still.

Tell me how to forget how much I really love you please cause I really can't bear with this pain any longer. I know you have move on so long already so just tell me how, tell me why can't I move on just like you. I'm still stuck to our past for almost 5 months already. I can't even take a step forward cause I just love you too much. It's like I'm stranded in a deep forest, trying my best how to get out of this cold place cause it's like a big maze. I don't know why, but I seriously am not ready to feel another touch of Love from anyone else but you. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone but you. I'm just too scared to get hurt by a soul once I have reached to that strongest feeling all over again.

If only a guy could rescue my heart from my past & let me step into the future, I will love him with all my heart, I promise that but once it fades away, you know that there will always be a reason behind all the beautiful moments that have slowly fade away.

A wonderful Sunday night

2011-01-10T00:30:00.006+08:00

A wonderful Sunday night.

It felt so good when I'm with you, that wonderful Sunday night where the wind blew strong & it's just you & me in that cozy quiet place

Waited for him at Woodlands MRT, sitting down on the ground under the track while listening to my music that was blasting out from my phone. It felt so good sitting alone even though you look like a boy who doesn't owned a life. Everything seemed so calm, people walking around minding their own business. Got a text from him, he's reaching soon so I walk to the Control Station, waited for him there. Finally he'd reached & his face looks like his picture of course, no spots were seen on his face [ so much for having pimples ]. So we went to the small shops, what they called it, " Pasar Malam " to buy some food & drinks & just packed it, so that we could eat later when we've reached Woodlands Waterfront. We walk instead of taking the bus. Go through Admiralty Park & we need to go through a small dark & spooky forest. Looked at him before stepping into the forest & of course I was scared so he wouldn't mind me holding his arms while blasting music from my phone. I smiled a little & we took a step forward to the forest, we talk about ourselves of course & it was kind of fun cause there's some laughter made even though the spooky forest freaked me up a little but still I feel a little secured when I was holding his arms tightly.

Finally we got out of the forest & I let go of his arms, still we were talking & talking. Then reached to our destination & we sat down, eating our food, Tako Yaki [ favourite ]. Finished eating our food & we went off sitting at the very end of the jetty continuing our conversation again. We talk & talk like there's no tomorrow, the way he looked into my eyes & smiled made my heart melt like a hot chocolate. He is such a cutie, I can't resist the temptation of biting him, well which I did bite him a few times, oops~ sorry about that. But hearing about all his heartbreaking stories made my heart dropped & smashed to pieces, oh what a pity. Reminded me of my past life with my stains. Such a nightmare to my heart, but I assure you that you'll get the one who will love you more than how you will love that soul one day cause a sweet soul like you deserve better than this, I know it kills but as you know it, God gave us such difficult tests, to see if we could bear with it when we've faced it & just move on slowly, letting go of such pain that have stabbed our fragile heart.

But seriously, we have a lot in common, & I really mean A LOT. We get along so easily, it felt so good to be true. Then as the time passed by, the night got darker, the wind blew strong & I got cold. Wished I got a hug as I have been longing for a long tight hug from a soul. Sadly, he didn't gave me one but it's alright cause I didn't expect anything from him.

We head off the cozy place & went to the longer route to Admiralty Park instead, seriously I don't want to step into that creepy forest again but still, I felt goosebumps while walking through the longer route til I saw a white pillow [ Pocong in malay ] standing in that dark forest on our left. I kind of screamed & I got scared. Hold his hand tightly & then just let it go cause I feel so embarrassed. He don't mind & just immediately hold my hand tight, letting my cheeks redden a little somehow. We talk again & he called me beautiful & find me cute. I was touched of course. So we went through Admiralty Park after that & reached to Woodlands MRT. Went down to Woodlands Interchange & finally, it's time for us to separate as we don't took the same bus home. Gave each other a handshake but no hugs were given, asked him if I could have one but sadly, he was shy cause we're in a place where there's a lot of people around but I understand.

Oh what a beautiful Sunday night, a night where I can finally smile before I close my cute little eyes & go to sleep. Smile always please, cause you know that you're a beautiful soul inside out, so please stop living in denial & accept the fact that you are. Have a very good night S, I hope you had a great time with me too.

We're Special

2011-01-03T17:17:00.008+08:00

We're Special.

Though we may be gay, we're still humans like you guys, it ain't much of a different but the only thing is, we're more special

People nowadays, love to look down on humans like us. Wondering why is it such a big issue to them when we don't mean any harm. We're just a normal human being like everyone else living in this world, where our intentions are just to go through a path where we'll find our own happiness & where we can love the one that we've been wanting them to hold on to us, making us feel loved, & secure. But some of them just don't understand us. They just want us to be like how it is supposed to be. Boys loving girls & girls loving boys. It ain't that easy once you've chosen your path unless you're a human who love both genders [ as people called it Bisexuals ], then it's much more simpler.

Don't asked us why we're gay when we supposed to love the opposite sex. Some of us are born this way, while some were being raped, molested, etc. by the same gender. It's not that we want to be this way, but it's because that we are born to be this way, so don't blame us for choosing the wrong path but instead please do give us the respect & understanding that we should get from you people like how you all respect & understand one another. We're like you, & you're like us but the one thing different is that, we're more special. And I know that this is the biggest sin in some religions but still, this is our decision, not yours. In the end, we'll need to face the consequences, alone. So just continue & do good deeds in your life, settle your own problems, find your own happiness cause we're finding our own happiness just like you & everybody else. Don't bother others when you got your own life to bother.

what is your ideal date? how do you want it to turn out like?

2011-01-03T15:15:00.002+08:00

what is your ideal date? how do you want it to turn out like?

A sweet loving man, who knows how to treat me right.
Who only seek for the heart instead of the looks. The one who love to give forehead kisses [ fav kiss ]. The one that will hold me in his arms, making me feel secure & I want him to ask me out to the beach where we can watch the sun setting down & where the stars & the moon will start to appear.

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Will just make my move

2011-01-02T14:46:00.004+08:00

Will just make my move.

I've made up my mind, I feel so left out, like I'm being loved the least & I doubt they'll notice me when I'm gone, so I'll just make my move

2nd Day of 2011 & I feel so cold, so alone like there's no one around me. I feel like I'm being loved the least, it's like they don't need me anymore. Such negative thoughts are all conquering my mind. Is our clan getting bigger cause I like it with just only a few of us, not like a huge family tree cause the more people who's going to join in our clan, the less love I'll get from my close ones. I guess I'll just make my move, I ain't feeling the love anymore. I doubt they'll even notice me once I'm gone. I won't delete any of my account but instead, I'll just leave it to dust by not updating anymore except for this lovely blog of mine. Will update this often.

Farewell,
Zairul

Chapter 2011

2011-01-01T13:51:00.004+08:00

Chapter 2011.

And the very first day of 2011 is the day I shed tears with all the pain running through this heart of mine

Turned on the tap of the shower. Played a heartbroken song on my phone setting it to play repeatedly. Let the water run on me while I just stand there watching at some of the 2010 flashbacks my mind have played. Some were as sweet as candy while others were as painful as a cut on my wrist, bleeding. Kept thinking about it, then I just crouch on the ground, crying while a part on this memory in my mind was playing. I feel like going back but I can't. I just need to accept what have past & just look forward for 2011. I am really longing for the sweet memories, with him. Cuddling together on the bed, get long hugs & forehead kisses from him every time & get to sleep right into his arms til I open my eyes the very next day & the first thing I saw is just him sleeping soundly beside me. But I know all these are just past & never will it brings to the future. I know he have long so over me & for that I should really stop thinking about the past in a quiet place alone where I should just look ahead to the future instead. What's past is past, now it's time to smile & step into the future.

I'm going to miss him though. 5 months hanging by Love & 5 months wasted. Nothing changes, he doesn't give a damn about me anymore. I just want to say farewell. Be strong & smile always cause I am no longer there for you anymore. I really love you but I've got to let you go for the sake of my heart & of course the future. You know that I deserve better than this cause it really kills me getting my heart tangled on you. May you have a soul to make your heart shine, giving you a smile on your face every time & make you feel loved sincerely.

Zairul

Time to move on

2010-12-29T23:41:00.008+08:00

Time to move on.

4 months I went through this pain hanging by my love that have been stuck on you & now it's time for me to take a step forward to moving on, but this time I need to get over you, officially

I thought I already have moved on but as I read our past messages through my phone. My heart turns cold & I feel that my love on you is still there, tangled up on you. Emotions filled my heart & the feeling of wanting to meet you is pretty chance very big. I kept thinking of whether should I visit you at your crib before it ends or should I not. But then, a 2nd thought appeared in mind & it would be wise if I don't meet you cause meeting you will make this love grew strong & furthermore, I doubt you'll love me like how you used to when we were dating. I know that this is the right choice, by moving on, forgetting the past & look forward to the future. Just let them be as memories, never going to resurrect them back again & I know that, you will never be mine. I am going to miss our memories badly & especially yourself, looked into your mesmerizing eyes while I tell you how much I loved you.

I guess things are never meant to be, sometimes it is best not meant to be with that certain someone due to some reasons hidden behind every painful results on Love. I understand what God have given me on the results on Love. I will wait... Wait for nothing to happen.

I don't want to talk about it that much. I'm going to delete the 2010 messages when the clock strikes 12 midnight tomorrow. Let those sweet memories be locked in my mind & heart. Am looking forward for 2011 & I know you readers do too. Cause you want to change, forget & move on, right? And I am happy that I get to talk to S. Good to know that he is alright, his fever have went away but he didn't receive my long message that I have send him. So that explains why he didn't reply my message. It's alright, at least I didn't put in any negative thoughts in mind.

Just want to say have a blast my dear readers, spend every bits of your time left for 2010, then just go & accomplished your resolution for 2011.

2010 is ending

2010-12-28T00:41:00.006+08:00

2010 is ending.

Through this cold night, I let this heart cry while my mind runs a flashback of the beautiful & painful memories of 2010

Look up at the bright night sky & see each & every of those twinkling stars that is staring back at me. Such a peaceful & quiet night, so this mind runs a flashback of the beautiful & painful memories of 2010. How I first meet those new souls that touched my life with love & happiness. Just can't believe that we're still strong & 2010 is almost ending. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends & family that will always be there for me when I needed help. This eyes that are watching those flashbacks in my mind are letting this tears rise & just let them run down on my cheeks. Oh thank you God for giving me this people to be in my life, even though Love won't touched this fragile heart of mine but still at least I got love from my friends & family. I don't need love for now, I just need friends & family to be around me, to be in my life always, standing strong & not just walk away cause without em', this life won't shine like how it is now. I love you guys always & never will this love fade away.

Zairul

P.S: S, You're in my mind, letting my heart have this worried feeling cause you've been strike with fever. Please don't use up too much of your energy but instead just drink plenty of water & go to bed. Put the job aside til your fever's gone if you can. Get well soon okay?

My Special Candle

2010-12-25T21:46:00.007+08:00

My Special Candle.

You're my special candle. Your flame keeps me companied attracting the smile to stay on my face while it lets the loneliness & darkness away

The night sky is covered with black dark clouds letting out cold raindrops while my eyes are filling up cold tears wanting to set them free but then as the tears were about to run down, a message appeared on my phone & it was from S. I smiled a little but then after what I've heard from that boy who is kind of bitchy, my heart cracks & it breaks into pieces. I don't want to be fooled again but I tried not to think about it that much, so I just replied his text. Sat down in the cold dark room while the dark clouds continue to let out rain with lightning being seen & then a loud clap heard from thunder. Emotions conquer my heart til the messages I send was rather emotional.

Then my heart glows a little with a smile drawn on my face. His words just can't make me stop smiling, then the emotions fought it back & it went to my mind, making my eyes watched the negative flashbacks. My heart shatters & so the tears filled the eyes but as the conversation continues, tears started to sink in my eyes & I started to smile a little again. As I closed my eyes, I feel like in this dark room, there is a special candle that keeps me companied attracting the smile to stay on my face while it lets the loneliness & the darkness away. S, his the special candle, my special candle that can never be replaced. Like I said.. I'm not in love, I'm just interested to wanting to know him more, go deep into his life & feel his heart.

But with life so busy, how can we meet? I was thinking to sit down on the beach & let the stars & the moon accompany us while we talk about ourselves & let mother nature help us out with a touch from the wind, the sound of waves crashing on the beach & the feeling of hard sand rubbed in our hands to release this pain that have been caged in our broken-heart. Guess I can't with him so busy. But at least I get to talk to him now, sweet that his waiting for me to finish updating my blog then we can continue messaging. I guess there is nothing to talk about much now. I'll update soon. Have a very goodnight.

The Thread

2010-12-24T00:29:00.007+08:00

The Thread.

Our friendship is like a thread, sometimes it tangles up when we're fighting over small matters but in the end, I know it will still be untangled in one piece again with effort, never going to snap ever

Friendship, that is what human beings in this world couldn't leave without. They can't be alone, they can't laugh without another soul, they can't cry at times without any shoulder, they can't set all their emotions free without a listening ear. They need love from friends, they need hugs every time when they're down on their knees crying, they need to laugh just by hearing jokes or watch humans fooling themselves. Without friends, life is just meaningless, it's just plain empty, a book with no words written on it. I need friends. I need them to be by my side when I'm crying for pain, I need to be loved by them & I know every human being need friends too.

Don't tell me you don't cause it's not worth it moving on with life alone & I'm sick & tired of love. Someone need to tell my heart that I'm just not worth it, I should just move on as a single soul cause I won't be going no where if I ever come across love. I deserve better than this & it really kills me getting fooled, played around & just get dumped in the end. I want to end this. Heart, it's over. We're done with love, we've tried but still, nothing changes. I ain't going to let you touch love no more. I know you're strong enough to be in the singlehood, without ever needing a man to touch you. I know you're made of steel, so let's just be single then. I know I can move on just as long as Dudy is here by my side, holding my hand never letting go. I know that I can just go through almost anything, including love especially. I love you my gay brother, don't leave me okay?

Kisses,
Zairul

I want to know the Future

2010-12-23T10:43:00.008+08:00

I want to know the Future.

The future seems so bright whenever you came into my life but now as you went fading away from my life, it seems that my future have darkened now

Woke up so early in the morning. Couldn't go back to sleep & let my soul wander off to the dreams & so I just stare on the white empty ceiling instead for quite some time thinking of what have happened this few days. Mind still running & curiosity starts again. I really want to find the answer in the future. Will there be some quarrels & some friendship break-ups, or just forgiveness & warm hugs, just moving on instead? Really am looking forward for this future. I have no intention of whatever, just am curious due to what have happened this past few days. It's like everything have gone tangled up like a thread, once dislodged, from there we will need to move on separate ways. Everything is so different, it's like insincere with hatred & anger mixed together in that heart but right in the outside, they'll just look normal, pretending to laugh & smile like nothings wrong but when no ones around, the wicked scheme will begin. Is this for real? Being pretentious? An angel with a bit of an evil inside? That I'm not quite sure, I feel like I'm stuck in between. I don't want any of this to happen even though I want the other to smile but it feels so wrong... Let's just see about that, will my prediction about them being pretentious going to be true? Well let's see shall we what the future will show us later on.

My Forever After

2010-12-21T11:29:00.022+08:00

My Forever After.

I want you to be my forever after, just you & me side by side til the day I have to go

Through the cold night where the stars swirl around me, trying to make me feel secured. Tears ran down my cheek while I am being protected by the stars. I couldn't touch the most beautiful & most unique feeling with pain & thorns mixed together, & that is Love. I want to feel Love again. I want to get hurt while going through it, cry cause of the pain I'll get from it but I couldn't. I can't Love. My heart got sick & tired of it but I can't take it being left alone in life. My hands are free, I want it to be hold forever, feeling secured with arms around me & feel the breath near my neck. I want to close my eyes & fall from the highest mountain & finally fall right into his arms. I want to look into his eyes, deeply & see those sparkles shining in his eyes. I want to feel that love showering on my lonely heart. Let it shine, igniting the love together with him. I want him to be My Forever After.

But all of this caused patience this lovely fantasy that I have kept in my mind. Now as I wait, I feel like I'm on the highest mountain, getting ready to hear this 5 words below the mountain, I'm ready to love you & I'll just fall letting him catch me. Oh what a beautiful fantasy that my mind have written. Fantasies aren't meant to be in reality & that I know, but wouldn't it be something if it were to step in the reality world? I shouldn't be living in my fantasy world & start thinking of the reality world where it's cold, letting you feel so insecure like you're the only soul who lives in this world. I'll wait til my heart is ready to touch Love again.

As for now, I'll just move on in life alone, taking step by step through all this pain that have caused in my heart. But I know that there are beautiful souls around me who are like shining stars spreading through the night sky, & that is my sweetest friends. They are there for me when I'm down & whenever I'm in need of them, they'll sacrifice some bits of their time by listening & consoling me whenever I'm in pain, letting all this cold tears run down & splashes to the ground. I feel so blessed that I have friends who step into my life & lift me up when I fall. Even though they couldn't be there for me always, I know that I need to do it alone, by getting up with my own two feet every time I fall on my knees.

Dear Dudy,

I just want to say that I feel so relieved that finally I have found you. All this while I've been searching for a soul of the same sex to have a bonding together with me & be so close, & that soul is you. Get to share all the pain that we've get in love, get to console you when you're in tears, get forehead kisses from you when I'm down, get rubbed on the head with tight hugs from you every time, get to give you forehead kisses with tight hugs too & get goodbye kisses on the lips before we go every time [ lesbian much? ]. You're like a brother to me, it makes this tears from my eyes run down to my cheek, tears of joy. Wishing for this & finally it came true. Even though the ones that I wished for badly didn't came to me, at least I got you. I'll always be there for you when you're down, want to wipe those cold tears away from your cheeks & just see that smile drawn on your face after you've set all those negative emotions away. I wouldn't want to leave you & I hope you won't leave me too. Let's cry together when we're in pain due to Love, let's use penknives & cut our wrists so deep til it bleed so badly, & let's smile together after setting all those emotions free from our cold heart. Smile always Dudy cause I will always want to see you smile til the day I have to go & I know someday your beautiful heart will shine while getting poured by the most amazing feeling created by God, & that is Love. Love you always. xxxx

Your Little Brother,

Zairul.

P.S: Your song that you've send me was being played repeatedly while I typed all this, feel so glad that I can focus while listening to your beautiful voice. This is the first time I can focus while a song is being played & that is just by listening to your sweet voice.

I'll let my heart touch love when I think it's ready.

2010-12-14T21:34:00.008+08:00

I'll let my heart touch love when I think it's ready again.

Love, it is so unique plus beautiful with a whole lot pain & tears mixed together that I won't let my heart touch it for now til I know I'm ready to let it touch it again

Standing all alone in a room with the mirror in front of me, staring at my own reflection for a few minutes & suddenly, the answer appeared in my mind & that is, tired. Tired of everything that have gone through me, tired of living in sins, tired of feeling pain, tired of running tears, tired of mending a broken heart, tired of meeting new souls, tired of being in love & I'm tired of breathing. Every step I take to move on for the next day, something bad will happen til I get hurt so deep before I can even move on. It really hurts a lot. It's like my life cycle. I'll smile & laugh with friends, with love ones then the next thing will be tears & pain that I'll receive later on, then it will repeat again from the start & maybe the pain I'll receive will be worse til I can even fall on my knees all alone, covering my face while I let the tears run. I don't know how much longer can I bear living with pain. 9 years suffering, so how can I move on another year when I can't even bear facing the pain for a day.

I just got to sit down at the beach again where I can learn how to relax myself by the taught of nature then I could stand up with my own two feet & face all the pain again. I just got to empty my mind & set my negative emotions free cause no point letting them being caged in my heart when it's going to hurt me more. I just wish for happiness in life, that is all I need, nothing more.

Waiting for the impossible.

2010-12-06T11:42:00.010+08:00

Waiting for the impossible.

Every second, every minute, every hour & every day, I realized that waiting for you is like waiting for the impossible, but still I'm going to wait til the time goes possible

So as months passed by, this love still remains, it doesn't fade nor shine as bright as the stars, this feeling is like a hard stone lying on the ground never ever going to budge. Waiting for you is like waiting for the wings to grow on my back. Yes, impossible is the word that I'm waiting for. You're the impossible & I don't know why I'm still waiting. Hopes that you've make me created have finally been buried under the ground. Sitting on my hope's graveyard, waiting for it to be resurrected by itself. Nothing is impossible that's what human beings always say. So 4 months have been passed & I'm still waiting for the impossible to change to possible. I want to move on but when I want to take a step forward, the memories will come pulling me back, making me not ever want to take that step to moving on. I need someone to help me realized that nothing is going to change if I continue waiting for this soul that have left me. I need a soul to help me move on or this feeling is just going to roam around his heart waiting for the impossible to happen.

You said you love me but you're just not ready to be in a relationship with anyone yet. So tell me if you love me, why wouldn't you asked me if I'm alright, asked me if I have eaten, or even send me a simple message that says hi? I'm disappointed that your words are just plain empty. I'm the one who have been giving all my care & concern towards you but in the end, I received none from you. If only you realized how much pain I've been going through this passed 4 months. I'm sure you'll understand, won't you?

Drunk

2010-12-04T20:02:00.009+08:00

Drunk.

I didn't get drunk for the fun of it. I want to get drunk because I want to let you off my mind for awhile but instead you rule over my mind

At last, sitting on the beach where I can feel the hard sand with my bare hands with the wind blowing through my face & hear the waves crashing to the side of the beach on a cold night. Lilly introduced me to her friends & I thought they were some kind of people who have the 'mat-rep' attitude, but they aren't & they are so much fun to hang out with. They were drunk of course & they gave me a few cups til the bottle is done, felt a little bit tipsy but then I just carry on by doing some snorts on the bottle after Lilly have done with some burning on the bottle. Then she got tired, so I burn it on my own til the liquor is all done. I want more still but there isn't anymore liquors instead there was 2 tin cans of beers so I just drank some & the effect starts to begin.

Was talking crap & wrote his name on the sand using my leg, then sat down on the blanket & started to write his name on the sand again. Thought that by drinking it will let him off my mind for awhile but instead he ruled over my mind. I almost shed a tear but then I controlled my emotions & try to be happy instead. So Lilly's friends asked me some questions about gays & I answered all of their questions of course. They told me to be straight instead & I told them that I'll think about it. Even Lilly wanted me to promise to her that I'll change myself but I didn't promise of course. A lot of people wanted me to change myself. Kind of disappointed cause it's like they don't love you for who you are, but it's alright. I will, one day but not now or later. Just wait til I'm 24, I guess? Anyway, I lie down on Lilly's lap cause my eyes can hardly open & she adviced me not to lie down or else I'll vomit later on. Didn't listened to her & just continue lying down on her lap til after a few hours, I woke up & quickly crawled to one side & vomitted quite a lot. Apologies to Lilly for I have not listened to your advice.

Damn, I don't know why after I vomitted, I kept calling for 'A' & kept asking Lilly for her phone cause I wanted to call him but she wouldn't let me of course when instead I just knew him & met him just once[ Not the the one that I wrote on the sand of course ]? Quite weird though, but I didn't think about it too much & checked the time, it was 6:00am. So we head off home by taking the cab & Lilly told me to lie down on her lap, so without any questions asked, I quickly lie down on her lap while she stroke my hair[ favourite ]. Then finally reached Braddell & we got off the cab, gave Lilly a goodbye hug & I head off home by train. While half-way reaching to Yishun, the feeling of vomitting started to appear again so I departed at Yio Chu Kang station & vomitted at the side. Damn, such embarrassment. Waited for the next train & it arrived after a min, then I just boarded the train. Was trying not to vomit again til I finally reached Yishun, quickly tapped out & walk home briskly. Finally reached home, throw all my stuff at the side & quickly lie on the bed covering my whole self with a blanket.

Seriously, I shouldn't have drank liquor & then beer together even though it will give you the kick quickly cause it will let you vomit quickly too. Lesson learnt & what a very bad day I should say. Shouldn't have drink, not because of the vomitting & the pounding on my head. It's because that I already have the opportunity to sit on the beach on a cold night with the stars just to set all the emotions free, but it turned out that the emotions are still in me cause I've waste that opportunity.

Suicide

2010-12-02T15:29:00.007+08:00

Suicide.

All those pain, those hatred, those stressful problems, it all hit my mind so fast til it stirred into one deathly word, & that is suicide

At the foot of the Block, running tears all alone at around 3 o'clock. My mind was throbbing badly & my eyes were swollen as I cried too much. Tried to ask Mile whether he can call me but with the late replies & all, it seems that he is pretty much busy & have much better things to do than this, well I understand. So I called Hafiz instead, called him a few times til the 5th time, he picked up the call & as soon as I heard his voice, I burst into tears. Told him what happened just now, such pain, it all hit me so fast, I didn't have the intention to tell granny about it. If only I knew, you know I wouldn't tell granny that you won't be going home til 4am. You should have told me, seriously. My apologies, I guess I wasn't live to lead a happy life with a partner or without one but instead I live to suffer with human beings who won't understand me at all. They only gave me hatred & pain, blame me for something I didn't intend to do, throw all the tantrum to me unreasonably & push me with all those harsh words til I drop on my knees crying. I'm still 16 & yet I'm trying to find a job just to support myself. What is this? Even though my mindset is like an adult, doesn't mean my age would change. I'm still the 16-years-old teenage boy that you know. I'm not yet a fully grown adult, I'm still going through all this but yet, I need to support myself. From young til now I've been suffering, molested, abused, sexually forced 2 times & yet I don't know why I'm still here, breathing normally while typing all this pain that have been past. I know this is suppose to be personal but I don't give a damn anymore. I'm not embarrassed by all this shit. I just want everyone to know that even though I'm 16, I've gone through many pain. Never have I been happy in all my life, never. So you should appreciate what you have now & stop acting like a child who wants someting badly & will just vent out your anger if you do not get what you want. Just remember that even though you didn't get what you wanted, at least all your needs have already been given almost everyday. Pocket money for school, shopping, & everything else. You don't even have the need to work but I know that some does want to work for some extra cash, still the things you need have all been taken care of.

Where as for me, I need to find a job badly for all the things that I need & place all my wanted list aside. I've been wishing to have a happy life but in the end, nothing changes. I'm still young, yet I'm going through a lot of pain, problems, everything. It all went in through my mind til all those words changes to suicide. Yes, I've been having this mentality problem, only Hafiz knows. I didn't tell anyone cause I know no one will give a damn about it. I already have memory problems due to too much stress that have been in my mind & now it's getting worse cause even simple words I could forget the meanings. It's like, my IQ is getting lower & I'm really scared that one day I might end up crazy but I know that I just need to go to my appointment with that doctor I've met for my memory problems & I'll be fine. The problem is, where can I get the money, my granny doesn't care for my health anymore. My life is ruined, totally ruined.

Such sadness, now all I want to know is when will I die cause I'm tired of living in pain. I'm tired of standing alone everytime I fall. I feel like running away, faraway & just deactivate all my account for maybe a week, a month, a year or just forever. No one cares for me, I'm not complaining but I'm just saying that I can't bear to move on with life alone. Percentage of being loved is just less than 50 or just nothing at all. At least if I have loved from a partner, that should be enough. I just want to be stress free, I just want to smile for awhile & let my heart shine a bit before another pain occurred but then, I can't cause I'm still alone for more than a year. I guess, it's fated that I can't be loved by anyone. It's alright, even if I must still bear all this pain, I will... I'm just hoping that my mentality won't be getting worse that's all. Now I'm just waiting for another pain to occur, I'm ready for it. Just strike me now if you want & let me fall flat, let me bleed... Let me... Die.

The waves, The sand & The ocean

2010-12-01T14:57:00.010+08:00

The waves, The sand & The ocean.

Hear the waves crashing at the side of the beach with the wind breathing through my skin, see the sun setting through the sky while my heart slowly set all this emotions free

Watching the fluffy clouds flowing slowly through the sky while letting the wind play around with my fringe. Problems with family, life, love & money are all kept inside my mind. Couldn't bear to keep em' much longer cause keeping em' inside can make my head throbbed badly. I've been wanting to let all this emotions free at the beach where the sun is slowly setting through the sky & where the bright moon is starting to appear with the twinkling stars but when I want to make the first step to heading to the beach, there will always be something on til I changed my mind of going. I've been so busy with sweet friends of mine til I have no time for myself at all. I'm not complaining but I'm just blaming myself for not balancing all the things in life. If only my friends would one day want to slack at the side of the beach at night & star gaze together, I will of course tag along with them but I know that at one point, I will need to be faraway from them, sitting all alone & just let this mind & heart do their job. I just hope my eyes won't be running tears again cause I'm tired of crying.

... Or maybe... I just go with just a soul who I'm comfortable with... Just one & then I let it all go instead of sitting at one point alone & let go of everything...

Worth something Never nothing

2010-11-29T02:57:00.004+08:00

Worth something Never nothing.

Don't say that you're useless & worth nothing. Just remember that someone's life won't be complete without you

Look up at the night sky & there's only dark fluffy clouds everywhere with not even a single star seen at sight. Getting ready to close this sleepy eyes of mine but before I do so, I let this mind run & think about what have been happening this past few days. Some ups & downs occurred but there was a smile drawn on my face after little jokes & laughter were made from someone who I have just known in Facebook. Thanks S, for being there by cheering me up & giving the care & concern towards me even though we just know each other. Really appreciate all the little things you did just to make this little frown upside down.

Still have been labeling myself that I'm worth nothing at all & is like a useless dump living in this dark world full of sins. But still, I tried my very best to stop degrading myself & try to think the positive side instead. Placed all the negative words aside along with the heartache caused by love & try to replace it with positive thoughts instead but in the end, it didn't helped me at all. With a sigh, I just forget trying & just continue what I have been doing all this time by creating simple quotes in Facebook & Twitter. As I was about to post one in Facebook, there was a message in my inbox. Clicked on it & it was from a guy who used to have a crush on me. Wondering what does he want cause we have not been chatting for a very long time, so I just read what he have send me & it seems that he have some problem related to love & is in need of my help. Gave him some advice & he thanked me for helping him with the words, love you inserted in the message as well. I smiled & just replied him back. I was so touched after what he have said, not because of the 2 sweet words but it's because that I am the only one that can helped him with his problems.

Not only him who seek helped from me but there's 2 more, 1 of them which is my Facebook friend & the other is someone who have just recently slacked with my clans. Oh & not to forget, my lovely cousin who sometimes need my advice went she is stuck with some problems. After all those things that have happened to me, I realized that I have learned something in life & that is the quote that I have just wrote for you guys to read below the picture. Yes, in this world, everyone is worth something in their own way, you just have to find what you're born to do & not just stand there labeling yourself what you are not. Hoping that there's more new things that I can learn while time passes by.

The boy who's still learning,
Zairul

Woke up

2010-11-25T10:36:00.005+08:00

Woke up.

When I wake up the next morning, will you still be beside me hugging me tightly while your eyes are closed with a smile sticking on your face?

Opened my eyes, earpiece was still on me with music still blasting out. Took it off & checked the time & it was still early. Gosh, I only slept around 6hours so I guess maybe for today my body feels like being one of the early birds? Well, I don't know why but somehow I feel fresh like, I have enough sleep [ which I don't ]. Walk out of the room door & the first thing I saw were smiles sticking on each & every one of my sweet darling relatives face. So what's up with the smiles? I have no clue but seeing them smile really made my day cause it's hard seeing them smiling & laughing in the morning where as the usual morning were always, cranky, rolling of the eyes & stomping & dragging their own two feet around the house.

Well, maybe today's a special day? But whatever it is, as long as I see smiles on their beautiful face, I'm fine with that. I just don't know why but somehow my heart feels more brighter & more calmed than yesterday which leads to tears & broken pieces of heart all around the floor due to the background of my friend's picture [ which is related to someone whom I really love deeply still ] that my eyes have just saw. It kept me silent while eyes were focusing on the screen & whenever I clicked 'Next' & saw the very same background, tears will come falling from my eyes. Explain to me why is his background picture so familiar like as if it were your bedroom wall. With a sigh, I just close my friend's profile & just sat there crying all alone in the room.

Posted out all the negative emotions that I'm going through on that cold night in Facebook & Twitter. I was desperately in need for penknives but there were none in this small haunted house [ seriously it's haunted I'm not joking ]. So I just sat quietly in the room weeping & weeping til I can't shed another tear any longer. Then I just went back to my laptop & I saw a pop out chat from some guy so, I replied. He was very sweet though, making me smile & laugh til the problems fade away for a little while.. Then all of a sudden, he just went offline. Well, it was fun chatting with him til it lasted. At least he kind of made my night but still it won't heal this broken heart of mine permanently. Negative emotions will always roam around this empty heart of mine, always.

The Bright Moon

2010-11-24T01:39:00.012+08:00

The Bright Moon.

When I looked at the bright round moon with twinkle stars all around tonight, I know that there'll always be lovebirds around sitting on a wooden bench & connecting the stars together with their lovers

Walking all alone along the pavements of the street & what a cold night this can be. Looked up at the night sky & I saw a big bright moon shining down on me with twinkling stars winking all around. Hands in my side pockets of my jeans & just continue moving forward with earpiece plugged on & blue music slowly flowing through my ears. Lovebirds with holding hands walking pass me & when I saw how sweet they can be, my heart got cold & it just ache til it cracks to half releasing every negative emotions that is kept deep inside my cold heart. Tears started to fill the eyes & I feel like I'm drowning in my own tears but I just try to bear with it, continue walking trying to pretend that I didn't saw a single thing that happened just now.

As soon as they were gone, I feel like I'm walking all alone with no one to be seen at sight. Then suddenly the wind started to blew & it's like they were touching my delicate neck, making me feel arouse in the moment. I feel weird though being arouse by just little touches from the wind. Then the evening incident hit me & my heart started to ache again. I can't believe that I feel like I'm talking to someone on the phone who's character is a lot like my first past stain. He was being so harsh towards me, giving me the heck care attitude til my mood ran away from me & I just told him that I'll confirm with him again if I want to meet later or not. So he just hung up on me without even saying goodbye & my heart totally dropped to bits til I shed a tear or two. Even though I do not have any feelings on him, the hanging up is just too cruel & rude for me. I hate being hung up on someone when I didn't do anything wrong. It's like a door have been slammed shut right in front of my face. Imagine the pain of being rejected in some sort of way unreasonably. So I just called Eeks & asked her where is she & the clans, then after knowing where were they, I just hung up trying not to show that I want to cry. Wipe my tears & I just left the house bringing along my broken heart.

Til now I can still feel his harsh words running through my mind & stabbing my innocent heart. I just can't believe that I have just felt my past stain's attitude again & it really hurts a lot. How I wish, that it wasn't a bad day yesterday but even though things doesn't turn out to be the way it was supposed to be planned, at least this broken heart of mine feels a bit better when my sweetest friends are around making the night more fun & wild.

How I wish that my life is like a book so that I can just erase all the bad memories in the past & rewrites it with joys & happiness instead.

Familiar Faces

2010-11-20T17:04:00.009+08:00

Familiar Faces.

A face that can remind souls of a thousand people is what I call unique

Dear readers,

Sorry for not updating my blog this past few weeks due to some major problems that have been living with me & so it caused my mood to runaway. But now my mood is starting to come back home so I guess I'll start to blog again & besides, I miss blogging about my emotions, my dreadful life & my sweetest clans that have been in my life all this time. Thanks sweet loves.

Had a great prom yesterday night but I went off half way meeting my sweetest gay clans. We slacked around & make loud noises like we owned this place. And there was somebody new in our clan named Dudy which I've never met before though I've seen his Facebook profile once but have no intention to even add him [ cause I don't add people even if they're hot as hell :) ]. Realized that when I didn't look at him almost everytime, I can see him staring at me at the corner of my eyes. Of course I just ignored & continue what I wanna do. After slacking, they head off first & went partying while I just sit outside alone in the mean time... While I was waiting for the right time, my mind kept imaging his face & playing back all the sweet moments that I had with him.

Tears were rising & heart went aching. It got me pressured out of the blue & I feel like knocking his face off my mind using a deadly hammer & after that stabbing my heart with a sharp knife to stop this feeling from making my vulnerable heart ache. Then suddenly I saw Hafiz got out to take me in & I just went in, partying with them, trying to let my soul off my broken heart & mind. Dance off with some crump-ing, hip-hopping & a little touch of vogue & not to forget a sprinkle of kpop moves too was added til my mind got blank. So just chill dance with the rest instead & when partying is almost over, Raihan head off home first by cab while the rest of us walk to the bus stop where our Night Rider buses always stop at. While walking, Dudy & I had a conversation & seriously we have a lot in common. Our interest, our stains & our personality are mostly the same. Shocking right?

When nearing to the bus stop, we saw the bus for Syakir, Mile, & Terence have arrived first & so they head off quickly while waving goodbye to us. Then behind their bus, is our bus which have just arrived & so Dudy & I gave a goodbye hug to Hafiz then straight away we went in the bus. Sat at the last row with Dudy & we chatted again. Then when he looked at my side, he was shocked & I got confused. Asked him why & he say that my side look almost like him, that's why he kept staring at me cause it's like he's staring at his own reflection. We chatted a bit more, til some of our secrets spill out from our own mouth & we make it that it's only for us to know & for our mouth to shut up. Smiled & we planned to hang out some time since we got common interest & since our problems are much likely the same so why not we hang out together, be hurt together, be in tears together & slash our wrists together using different penknives of course [ kidding ]. Then his stop has arrived & so before he left, we gave each other a goodbye hug & he step out of the bus, waving goodbye to me.

As soon as the bus drove off, my heart got cold again & tears went falling from my eyes. Was looking at his picture on my phone with blue music flowing through my ears. Wondering if he's alright, wondering whether he's smiling & am wondering where is he right now cause my broken heart can't stop worrying about him. How I wish I had just one more chance to look into his eyes & see him looking back, I would tell him I've been missing & loving him still since the day he went away. My stop have arrived & I departed, walking back home slowly while little touches from the wind went through touching my delicate skin. Looked up at the night sky & it was full of grey clouds with not a single star seen winking on the sky. Reached home & lie on my soft bed, covering my whole self with a big long blanket like I always did to show to the world that all the negative emotions & moments I had is hiding in me cause I wouldn't want to share all this painful scars to anyone but instead I just hide it & pretend that everything is always going to be fine... Even though he have hurt me with the hurting words & just leave me hanging for another soul, I will still love him til the very last breath.

Addicted

2010-11-06T00:34:00.017+08:00

Addicted.

Being addicted to something really kills. Once you stop taking it, you'll start to feel the pain slowly spreading through your body

The sight turned blur with darkness filling up every single sight slowly. Legs felt icy cold, body shivers, lungs tighten & heart being stabbed repeatedly & deeply. 4 days, 2 bottles done, & health is getting low. Breathing for air & it feels like I'm in the water trying to get on land. Walking like a drunken boy with a giddy brain. Negative emotions stirring into one. My mind echoes for more while my heart beats a big no. Covering my whole self with a big soft blanket. Tears started to fill my blurry eyes, spilling those tears with just one blink & it spilled all the way til my eyelid got heavy zso instead I just let it stay shut, letting my soul go wandering off to my beautiful dreams.

Woke up & it's around 6pm. Brain started throbbing while lungs started to feel like being poked by pointy needles. Stood up & legs were kind of shaky. Dragging my leg slowly to the toilet & it takes a painful time to reached there. Took off my shirt & looked myself in the mirror. Jaws totally drop, what happen to my stomach, it looks like I'm sucking it up but the thing is I didn't. Look at those dry lips with those dead skins peeling off everywhere. Look at myself, I feel so ashamed. What have I change myself into? It did not even reach to any point of improving but it seems that I'm lower than the negative level & I feel so degraded, so contempt. My heart feel so weak. Why must I be so depress? Why must I have the low self-esteem? Due to the cracked face & the heartless souls that have caused me pain & more hatred in myself? Why must I even took that medicine when I know that the past won't even change a single bit? Sigh, I guess I just want to close my eyes & not face the reality, wanting to let my soul wander off to those sweetest dreams forever. But all this have painful consequences & I really regret doing this cause with the addiction starting to run through my body, I'll need to take it but I know I won't, not even a single drop but if I have to, I'll take it with a spoon like what my aunt's lover, Jaselin said, " Take it with a spoon but don't take it too much or just don't take it at all cause once you've start to get addicted to that medicine, it's like a drug & a large amount of effort is needed if you want to end the addiction. " I guess, I'll just don't take it at all or if I will, I'll take it with a spoon & not too much in order to let this bloody coughs to shut up.

First of all, I would like to apologies to Mile as I've been making him feel so worried due to what happened. I didn't mean to hurt you. My apologies. Secondly, I would like to apologies to all my sweetest clans & even my lovely Jaselin as she have been verbally forcing me to stop taking that medicine but I chose not to listen. Millions of apologies dear.

I'm sorry guys, I guess, suicide was playing in my mind all this while. I just can't take it being pushed around by flawless gayboys & some others. I can't endure it anymore. With a cracked face, love is always forbidden in my broken life cause like what they say, I'm a sex symbol. If I die, promise me you all won't forget me. I'm not praying or wanting to end my life but I'm just saying " if ", that's all. Goodbye my lovelies. I love you guys to shreds.

The boy who owns a cracked face,
Zairul

P.S: I don't even have the guts to even face you guys with my condition now. I've embarrassed you all as a friend & I'm sorry. I guess we shouldn't meet anymore as I feel so ashamed after what I've done. I hate this. Hope I'll be forgiven.

Look into the future & change it forever

2010-11-03T04:21:00.006+08:00

Look into the future & change it forever.

What if you have the gift to look into the future & just change it before it gets to that point? Wouldn't life be simple? But sometimes, when I gave a 2nd thought about it, life can be a bit boring, & less challenging if you have this gift. You won't even get to learn how to be strong without facing any challenges or any pain. So I guess, I just push this aside & be a typical human being like everyone else cause it is the best way if you want to know how strong you can be without knowing what will your next challenge be like.

Dreams

2010-10-31T13:14:00.007+08:00

Dreams.

Some dreams are worth it when they are left with meanings while others are just a waste when they are left empty

Opened my eyes & I found myself standing on top of a white fluffy cloud. I looked around & I quickly walk right at the edge of the cloud trying to see where am I exactly but I can only see a big blue sea. Not even one Country or an Island is around. I sat, thinking of what to do or is there any choices available in my mind but the answer is just nothing. I was about to shed a tear when I heard a voice, a familiar voice. As I listened to it carefully, the voice was getting closer & closer & as I turned around to see who it was, my jaw literally dropped cause it was none other than Katy Perry. My heart beats like crazy & I almost fall on my knees cause I can't believe what I'm seeing. She smiled at me & she wore exactly like the one she sang on Fireworks official video.

As soon as I blinked, I was in a building in the middle of the night with Katy Perry of course. The first thing is, I looked around to see where am I exactly cause this place looks so familiar. Then suddenly, I heard someone started singing & when I turned, Katy Perry was looking at me while singing the song named Fireworks. I was lost, seriously. Then as she sang, she walk to me & stood right beside me. I covered my face with my hands cause I can't believe what is happening & as soon as I let my hands down, I was shocked to see that we're in a crowd. She was still singing though & was still looking at me while she sang, then she just turned away & looked at someone else. I was trying to find who was she looking at & as soon as I found who it was, my jaw totally dropped while my mind repeatedly says "Oh my god."

It was Syakirchner, he was sitting on the red sofa & now he's walking through the crowd while his eyes locked at someone. Then suddenly he stopped & was standing right in front of a guy who was sitting down while he was chatting with his friends. I was amazed to see that the guy who was sitting down was none other than his lover, Mile. I was giggling cause I find it kind of funny but at the same time cute cause I can see Sya's head going forward to Mile & as soon as Mile turned around, their lips touched & their chests suddenly let out fireworks. I smiled while looking at them both kissing. I thought it was just a soft kiss til I saw Sya letting out his tongue. I smacked my forehead while saying, "Oh boy." Then they both looked at me & laughed.

Suddenly, Katy Perry pulled my hand & she opened the door & I was shocked to see that we're in the middle of a stadium now. Gosh, can this be more complicated? She pulled me til we were in the middle & she was still singing her song. Everyone gathered around us & they were dancing while fireworks came shooting out from their chests. Katy Perry looked at me then told me not to look down on myself & just open my heart & let the world see the beauty inside it cause it ain't worth hiding it. I looked down while my eyes was flooded with tears & she suddenly held her hand under my chin & let my chin up, making me faced her & she said,"You are beautiful." While giving me a kiss on my cheek.

Then I woke up, I was on a bed in a room & Mile was sitting right beside me. He then smiled & Sya came in from the room door. I got out of the bed & they both kept staring while smiling at me. I covered my face & was hurt cause I did planned not to see anyone yet. Then Sya held out a mirror & told me to take a look & so I did. I took a peek & I was amazed to see that my face was flawless, not even a scar or a mark to be seen. A tear fall from my right eye & Sya quickly wanted to hug me when I got awake by someone, it was my aunt. She woke me up cause granny needs my help. She told me to print 15 papers from the paper that she have given me cause her supervisor needs it. I was cranky so I just took the paper & grumpily walk out of the house without even taking a shower. I wondered, does the dream have a meaning behind it or was it just plain empty? Found this on a certain website.

When someone appears in your dreams, it's because that person misses you.
- Psychological fact

So goodbye readers, til the next update.

Gone

2010-10-26T00:59:00.022+08:00

Gone.

I thought no one cares & is not going to look for me so I just leave everything, trying to be gone til one fine night when someone beeped me & told me how worried he was when I've gone missing so I guess my thoughts are just sentence with empty meanings after all

"Where were you? I've been looking for you & I'm so worried, I thought you were really gone." The thoughts that I have been keeping in my mind all this time quickly fades away as soon as I read what had appeared on the laptop screen. Syakirchner, my stain, the one that I used to love deeply & the one that I used to wait for months but in the end, the result showed friendship. A beautiful soul that you will never forget as soon as he touches your life. I guess what I've been keeping inside my mind is just sentence with empty meanings. Tears started piling up when I read the rest of the sentences that he had wrote on the screen. My heart started to turn warm again & my life started to show some light. I thought when I leave everything & just be gone, no one will ever look for me & will ever care about me at all but out of a million people in this world, at least one human being is looking everywhere for me & is really worried. Even though it's just only one person who cares for me, at least I get to feel the care & concern that he is giving. I guess, every human being who lives in this world have at least felt that he/she is really a something after all, rather than nothing.

But as soon as he asked me if everything's alright, my mind quickly played a flashback of what have happened two days ago while my lips stayed shut. Those sharp words that can make my ears go deaf. The cold tears flowing through my cracked cheeks. Oh all the sharp pain that is cutting through my aching heart slowly but painfully. The moment of truth & lies spilled out so fast that I almost wanted to run out of the room, go to the kitchen & take a sharp knife & just cut through my skinny arm deeply letting it bleed with oozing blood but I didn't & I just bear with the pain by listening to all those bloody words that she has shot me while my mind was imaging a picture of a sharp knife.

Then it all ends with a cracked face full of tears & a fragile heart that have been smashed to bits. That very day will I never forget the moment of truth & lies, & that very day will my heart never smile like how my lips smile when my ears have heard the words of beauty from a soul's soft lips. I'm done, I'll end my story til here cause it just hurts reading those hurting moments in my mind. So I leave now with holding tears & a broken heart til the very next update.

P.S: I'm missing all my sweetest gay clans & my fav. gaygirl. I want to meet & give you drugs my very warm hugs but it's just not the right time & I'm sorry. I hope you drugs understand, I love you all, forever & always. Take care of yourselves alright cause I'm not there watching your every step.

Beauty

2010-10-22T23:48:00.026+08:00

Beauty.

Beneath this Imperfect boy lies a heart of beauty

Standing in front of the mirror & my mind came running. Look at those cracks all around my face, those bags that are coloured black hanging under my eyes, the burning cigarette that I'm holding between my two thin fingers, the straight outline of my body from top to bottom. Don't I look imperfect? Of course, everyone is imperfect in this world & that is just damn perfect. But then where is the beauty that I need, the un-flaws which suppose to be spreading all around my skin & the outline curves which suppose to be drawn on my side. I asked again, will all those things I asked for happen? The answer to my question quickly hit my mind & it showed 'Impossible'. But even if the beauty that I wished for so much won't ever happened, at least I know now where the beauty lies & the answer is my heart.

Look at how I make granny smile by being a full-time housebottom cleaning the house, washing & hanging the laundries, not being rude by holding all my harsh words back while granny throw all her outrage all around the house & I just go cooling her down & how I console my 8 long years of sweet friendship named Feeza when she's so down with cold sour tears falling right beneath her eyes, carrying along a huge problem with her on that bright afternoon. Can't you see? That shows how beautiful a human being can be even though the ugliness is sticking on his body. So my point is, don't look down on yourself but instead love yourself before loving others cause if you don't, no one can do their part if you kept hating yourself. Put those hurting words aside & let your mind fly as high as the sky, you don't need another beauty to make your life shine cause you already got one & that is right in your heart. Can you feel the beauty that you make, erasing the sadness & drawing a smile on their faces? Yes, that is beautiful seeing a human being smile rather than seeing them hurt, cry, or even rage out of anger. Even though it hurts having a cracked face, at least you owned a beautiful heart so just continue making people smile & trust me, all your pain & sadness that you're carrying all this while will just fade along with theirs.

Don't trust me? Then why do I even bother using all my precious time posting this out on my lovely blog? Think again. I'm done typing what I want to say so goodnight my lovely readers til the next update.

Two-faces

2010-10-19T20:17:00.001+08:00

Two-faces.

Some human beings can be pretentious by being friendly in front of you but then is the other way round at the back of you

Jaw constantly dropped after seeing what have appeared on the screen in Facebook recent post. Those similar words, even though there aren't names inserted in the sentence but the sentence he wrote are exactly the same as what I wrote to him but then he exaggerate it even more. My temper exploded right as soon as the boiler got heated by the raging fire cause this is the 3rd time he have created a problem with me but this time, he have crossed my gay damn line & this is just too much. Trying to play the Winning & Losing game? Sorry but those are just for immature & I hope he realized that doing all of this is such a childish act. A 17-year-old having a child's brain? Oh gosh, this is so embarrassing. Please act like a 17-year-old cause seriously the child's brain attitude is not needed in my life or in anybody elses. Even though his status have made a lot of thumbs up to people but still, he don't need to boast it off. To be frank here, I think my mindset is much more mature than him. Like come on, what's his motive in doing all this? Trying to seek attention?

Gosh, this is a load of crap & it deserve to be thrown away into the rubbish dump. Just two words from me, grow up & stop posting that 'Instant Karma' video cause seriously I think it's for you. Why must it be for me if I didn't do anything bad? Don't use my word if you do not know how to use it wisely. I think the word 'stupid' you're trying to label to me have just obviously proven that it reflects on you. Sorry but I don't entertain people like you cause people like you don't deserve to be in my life. You want to make more friends? I think you should upgrade your mind first before wanting to step into the popularity zone. Ooops, I think I got it all wrong. Let me rephrase it, you seriously should upgrade your mind before wanting to step into the next level. I think I'm done what I want to say here.

Oh & I forgot to insert this, next time please don't label me a friend if you want to be a two-face cause I don't take two-face people in my list & using my name & one of my clan's name just so you can be in our clan is such a desperate thing to do. Goodbye low boy.

Losing

2010-10-16T00:57:00.018+08:00

Losing.

And the most scariest thing that can ever make me scream is not seeing a spirit appearing right in front of me, losing you is the answer to my scariest thing

Look at how granny smiles. Her sweet laughter & her wrinkly smile makes my heart feel so calm. I can feel that her heart is fresh red now cause she has been wanting to get a house for my 2 aunts, herself & me to stay cause believe me, living in that heartless creature house is like a nightmare. No TV, & no touching of their furniture, plates, food & even drinks. Such heartless people don't you think? We can only do our laundries & take a shower. The paying of the rent is so costly, we can find a room that's cheaper than this. Such a small room & such a huge amount of money that needs to be paid. I believe that this kind of human beings just want money & greedy is the word that we should label on them. Well, we're done with them & we can turn over a new leaf now. I can't believe that the nightmare is actually over I mean all those times all of us have been suffering have officially ended. The only thing now that I have to do is to change myself. It's been months have I not met my dance-mates & I kind of miss them to bits but it's like I'm not proving myself & the world that I'm changing. Lazing around at home all day is what I have been doing & that proves nothing. Bravo me. I wonder how's Shadan & Naim has been doing. Kind of miss them both but I miss Shadan a lot more. Ooops. Guess I ought to be going cause there's nothing more to talk about.

Goodbye lovely readers & before I leave, I would like to say that I miss my Sweetest Gay Clans: Hafiz, Shariman, Raihan, Syakirchner, Mile, Terence, Tiara Khai Khai, & Sulaiman. Not to forget my sweetest chic, Feeza & of course the last but not least, my favourite gay girl, Eeks. I'm done what I got to say. Goodnight.

P.S: I'm sorry if I can't have night calls with you like we used to but I'm busy & my health is not in a very good condition so if you're a true friend, kindly understand what I'm going through now & please don't be too down cause I know you're strong. There's no point letting your emotions down cause nothing changes so just try to distract yourself alright? It works on me. Lots of hugs from me to you.

Longing

2010-10-14T20:28:00.005+08:00

Longing.

I miss the way your soft lips touches my pink lips & then we start playing our tongue in our mouth

The whole day at home with eyes on the laptop, Twitter & Facebook. Night is here & it still young. Do not know what to do on a long holiday. I'm just waiting for my fringe to cover my eyes so that I can reborn it & color it after a week. That is my main point & this time I won't trim off my fringe. Next year I'm going to ITE school & I do not know exactly how it feels like & what to start first. Gosh, a lot of things are in my head. I can't believe that I'm really growing up. It's like time passes by too fast & I'm not ready for ITE. Well too bad, since I want to get out of my secondary school life so much, now is the time. Gonna make new friends, & new enemies gonna appear that's for sure. It's been a few weeks & I'm kind of miss romance now. Gosh, where have all the cute boys go? Hah, guess I need to date again huh? Naaa, I'm tired. No one wants me anyway. Whatever it is, I still love myself & nothing can change that. I have nothing more to update. The main point why I blogged is that I miss romance which involves kissing, that's all. Goodbye.

Silent

2010-10-14T00:36:00.004+08:00

Silent.

Hear me out, everything seems so silent without you here now. It's like the trees have gone dead

Laying down on my soft bed. Tired after meeting Raihan, Hafiz & Eeks which is a last minute plan with that Gay Girl. Gosh, the night is still young. Look at that crescent moon. Isn't it beautiful? I can't imagine how sweet & romantic can it be if I were to watch with my future lover. Have just finish reading my book: Perfect Love Imperfect Relationship. It's lovetastic. You should read it up. It teaches you how to face your negative emotions & how to get over it. It's like they're teaching you how to control your emotions & glad to know I can control em' now. It's like I have a strong heart now. No more crying & getting so broken always. Well about crying, let me rephrase it, less crying now. That's more better.

First time meeting Eeks was kind of great. We have a little conversation of our own. Such embarrassing to meet her in a slack manner & not ready way. Gosh, my hair. It is so messy & long & I was wearing all black with my black headband. Can't imagine. She was awesome with pink shirt. Raihan & Hafiz was having their gay talk of course while I still continue talking with Eeks but too bad all of it lasted a little while. All of us need to head off. Me, Raihan & Hafiz head home while Eeks head to meet Syakir & Hady back. Such a gay night. I mean Raihan, Hafiz, Myself, then Eeks is meeting Syakir, Hady & not to forget, Eypul, that most awesome hotilicious guy ever. Damn, if only his mine, I swear I'll love him. Well too bad his taken now. Eeks have met a lot of gayboys in one night. Congrats for her. Now I'm going off. Update again next time. Goodbye readers.

Describe your most perfect day.

2010-10-11T17:59:00.002+08:00

Describe your most perfect day.

My most perfect day would be at the side of the beach with a book about Love on my hand & some snacks with a blanket under my buttocks while watching the sun sets & the wind blows smoothly through my face.

Strike your question & I'll strike my answer

Nothing

2010-10-09T19:37:00.007+08:00

Nothing.

All those romance that we have done is not for the sake of Love but it's just for your satisfaction & that makes me feel guilty for letting you use my body

Everything turns out wrong. I just realized that what we have done is not because of us falling in the love process. No, but we're just doing it just for the sake of your needs. What was I thinking? I feel so guilty. I can feel that there's no Love at all & all the french kissing that I have done with you is all so insincere, everything. I don't have that fun feeling but I can't believe that I just go with the flow. This is all wrong. Don't you feel that everything that we did is just not right? I'm just into Love too much that what we did is totally not part of it. I guess I have to stop thinking about it & just move on cause I can't change what have past. Goodbye.

Kitten

2010-10-05T14:11:00.006+08:00

Kitten.

Their big eyes & their cute pinky nose never fail to make me smile

Been wanting to have a pet. Not a small hamster, not a beautiful bird, & not colorful fishes but a cute fluffy kitten. Kittens love being pampered by their owners & their cute naughty attitude just can't make them go mad on em when they did something wrong but instead just give them a little spank on their cute buttocks & give em a kiss on their forehead. But the cutest part is that they'll let their small ears down while giving the kitty face & a few small meows when they want food. You can't stop but just stare at their faces when they want something. It's like Puss in Boots in the movie in Shrek 2. I just can't stop imagining having a kitten in my house & once I have it, I'll buy for it anything just like the previous pets that I used to have. Will have a research about them in the library & I'll just forget about the world. It's like they're my lovers, but a pure black or white Persian kitten is what I love & want. I know this will be hard to find but I'll try to check it out in pet shops or in streets that I know where there's kittens playing around. If you guys have a kitten that I wanted, do tell me in the Chatterbox cause I desperately want it. Thank you & goodbye.

Tears

2010-10-04T15:54:00.004+08:00

Tears.

Don't keep those tears, just let them fall til your eyes are done & your blue heart will turn red again cause even though it doesn't change the reality, at least it will change your heart

People nowadays believe that crying & letting your tears fall doesn't help at all cause it won't change anything. Well it's true that it can't change anything that already have past but at least it can turn that blue heart of yours into red again. Just let em go & don't hold those tears cause if you do, you'll get hurt even more. Sometimes it'll take time for you to get over things so just get yourself distracted & don't just sit around in your room thinking about it. Crying helps but just don't cry too much unless you want your head to start throbbing & your face to start appearing red dots. Like I said, get yourself distracted & believe me you'll be alright after a few days or weeks, just don't stop whatever you're doing. I've been going through this before, in fact a lot of times til I hurt myself but in order for me to not get hurt, I just get myself distracted by dancing, hanging out with friends in town or just sit down at the side of the beach & look up at the bright night sky full with dazzling stars. I know nowadays a lot of teens nowadays have been so emotional due to Love. Just let it go, get yourself distracted & you'll be alright.

It's almost Sunset & I'm still at home lying on my soft bed while something is on my mind. I can't stop but just feel guilty. I feel like letting this tears go but I managed to suck it up & swallow it whole. I'm sorry S for raising my voice & being rude to you yesterday night when we're on the phone, I just can't take your harsh words. I mean you just do not know how to watch that poison mouth of yours. If you didn't shoot me, I think none of us will start the war. I just can't take it facing this problems of mine & I just needed you to make me feel better but then, you thought I was in love with you & there you started saying "I'm not your boyfriend so don't expect me to call you." You could at least tell me nicely then just shooting me those sentence. You said you understand my emotions that they are sensitive but if you do understand em, why must you be so harsh towards me. My heart bleed as soon as you started damning me.

I guess you can't really change & not to worry, my love for you have so long fade away since after you said that you prefer to be in many relationships rather than one & you will never believe Love. You're just so different than the rest of the men I've knew don't you realized that & that is so disappointing. I just hope one day your heart will start to believe the most beautiful feeling that have ever been created in this world by nature, & that feeling is Love.

Longing

2010-10-03T14:13:00.009+08:00

Longing.

My lonely soul is longing for Love

Sun rise. Opened my eyes, checked my phone & there's 4 missed calls & 3 messages from my clans but none from S or even N. N have stopped messaging me since yesterday night I do not know why but it's alright. Guess he's not interested with me anymore. I'm lucky that I only have a tiny crush on him cause once my pink heart for him turns red, I think emotions will come striking again. I knew that he's not interested in me cause no one is so no point putting high hopes on someone even if you know he have feelings for you. That's me alright, no high hopes. S have been busy due to exam & he didn't call me up at all & I miss him very much. I feel like his leaving me when his not. I tend to have negative thoughts but I know that all of those aren't gonna be real so I just try ignore it. Yesterday evening I went to Tampines Park just to release all my negative emotions but it didn't work out at all. I guess Parks doesn't work on me no more, the only place that I can release all of this negative emotions is at the side beach in the middle of the night where you can feel the wind blowing through your face.

My heart started to turn blue & it starts to long for Love. I wanna shed tears just by thinking of it. I feel so cold, so lonely, it's like no one's there for me when I know that my lovely friends are always there for me. This always happen to me & it goes on & off & on & off. I really hate this. It's been almost a year since I didn't get to feel Love. What am I supposed to do? I wanna cry my eyes off but I know I can't. I just can't take the pain, it hurts. Tried to disguised the pain but it kept showing more & more & that's where I wanna let my tears fall even more. S, please call me up... I can't take the pain. I need you to cheer me up on the phone like you always did. Where are you when I need you the most? Can't you feel that my heart is in pain?

Useless.

2010-10-02T14:01:00.010+08:00

Useless.

She said that he's a useless child & his tears starts falling

"You are such a useless child! Such a liar." Those were the words she threw & my heart got poisoned by it. I just pretend that everything is okae, pretend that I wasn't feeling the pain, pretend that nothing happened but just so you know, deep in this fragile heart of mine, I'm crying. They won't let me rest til everything's done & yes, I didn't rest but only just a few seconds. My aunt scolded her husband not to carry those heavy boxes & just let me do those things by myself & I was shocked but still her husband ignored her cause he himself knows that I won't be able to carry such a heavy box so he continued carrying them & loading them in the truck. Didn't told my relatives that I was having fever, I just kept it inside, not wanting to tell them cause I know if I did, they'll think I'm just complaining. So I just continued going up & down the stairs not using the lift til a few hours later my body got too tired & I just have to use the lift. Got up back & as I was about to carry the next one, someone called me up. I answered my phone, then one of my aunt which hates me a lot started to insult me, told me to hung up the phone & quickly carry those things down. I just hung up & ignored her. She still continued insulting & mocking me & her "best" friend & one of her daughters started to laugh. Just continued my work & ignored them.

Then when I was walking down with the box, someone called me up, I looked at my phone & it wasn't in my contact list so I just picked up wondering who will call me at this hour & so I did. Hello was the first word he said & I said hello back. His background was so noisy, it's like his not alone. Maybe he is with his friends? He asked whether do I know who is he talking to & of course my answer was a no. Told him that I got to go & I'll call him back, whoever he is & we both hung up. So I just continued moving all those things & my phone rang. Looked at my phone & it was a message from that unknown guy & he just said hi. Kind of smile a little bit I don't know why & I just replied, are you a prankster cause if you are then I won't wanna entertain you. Then I just placed my phone in my pocket & get back to work. Everything's almost done so I checked my phone & there's two messages from him & the first one was, I'm not a prankster... I'm a gangster & the second one was a poem & then there's this sentence that he type out before he wrote my name, "Senyum senyum selalu zairul". That sentence, I know who it was, my SG bestfriend, N. That cute guy, oh gosh. He have my number & it's a confirm he took my number from S. Smiled after reading it & there is his name right below. At least he made my night.

So I just continued my work & after a few hours later, everything's done. We all have loaded the things into the lorry & they drove off. My granny, my two aunts & I took a cab to our new crib & we reached there before the lorry so while waiting for the lorry to arrive, we move the things up to our crib. I was too tired, but still I just continued til almost about an hour, I just went up to my crib & rest. So darn tired & I asked my aunt to place her hand on my neck & she said that I'm having a fever. I nodded & said to her that I'm too tired, then granny came calling my phone & I picked up. She damn me so badly saying that I'm useless as always & she just hung up. I just hold on to my tears & I told my aunt about it. This aunt of mine is not like any others. She understands me cause she used to be like me. I called up Hafiz & I was begging to him to help me out cause I really can't take it, Hafiz was so tired so he said that he will be on his way. Thank him a lot of time & we hung up. Told my aunt about it & she called my granny just to inform her about it. Then they argued on the phone & of course my aunt was trying to make her facts right, not siding anyone though. After the arguement, she hung up & she went up at the 6th floor where the things are being placed there.

She talk to my aunt & her girlfriend, telling them that this is just a last minute plan so why must everyone get so pissed off. Everyone's sick including me she said & she just continue talking to them while I just carry the things down to the crib. After about an hour, hafiz called & he said that he have reached. I hung up & went down the stairs. Saw him with granny & I told him to follow me up to the 6th floor. So we went up & I introduce him to my aunts. Then we just get back to moving the things. After another hour, I seriously got very tired & my hands were all aching red. I was complaining to Hafiz how weak my body is & I can't manage this but he just told me to hold on & bear with it just a bit more cause we're almost done & so I did. Aunt call up the Macdonald to order some food & drinks for us. Then after about half an hour, the Mac delivery man arrived & he gave us our food & drinks & my aunt held out the money & gave it to him. They sat down with granny & drank & I stand one side with hafiz. Talk to him for awhile & my granny suddenly called my name. I answered & went to her & she started to damn me again. I just talk back to her nicely & then she damn me even more. I hold on to my tears & continue moving the things down. Can't believe what she had just said. "Useless child, no wonder your mother kick you out, because of your attitude."

When I got down, tears came falling from my eyes. Then I just hold it & swallow it back. Don't wanna show that I'm in pain. About a few hours later, I went up & I saw my aunt was vomiting at the corner & they all went down leaving me & Hafiz to do the job. Only left with 3 or 4 more, so we continued moving the things down together, one by one we carry it down. When we reached to my crib, my granny told us that she & my aunt's girlfriend will take my aunt to the hospital cause of what happen so she told us to move it all in then once we're done, I need to call her up. I just went in & they went off. Hafiz & I just went up to the 6th floor again & carry all those things down. After 30mins, we only left with one more furniture. We went back up with my 12-year-old aunt & Hafiz & I carried the furniture down. Told my aunt to give me a boost & she did. Feel a bit more lighter now & we all carry it down to the crib. Done everything & told my aunt to text granny that we're done & we need to head off. Then granny called, I picked up & told her we need to go. Granny thank me & Hafiz for helping her then we hung up & Hafiz & I took a cab to his home. Reached home, wash up, went to his room & lay my head on the pillow. Hafiz placed his hand on my neck & he said that my body temperature is burning hot. I smiled while my body was shivering & I close my eyes, wandering off to my dreams.

Woke up & now here I am sitting down in the room still feeling weak. Going out alone later to just release out my stress & will be back home at night. Look at my hands & gosh, the redness is still the there & so is the pain. Whatever it is, now you know that how badly I'm treated & still I just suck it up & pretend nothing happened. I know that I need to be strong cause if I don't, I won't be here now, typing what is happening around me.

Bleed

2010-09-29T23:07:00.004+08:00

Bleed.

If you want Love, it means you want pain cause without pain, there won't be Love

Thought I have moved on & got over you but as soon as my ex crush told me that you guys are dating, my heart shatters to pieces & tears started to fall from my eyes. I guess my heart didn't got over you yet. It's alright, I guess it's all my fault. If only I didn't accept your date, none of this wouldn't have happened. Now I'm hurt & my heart is bleeding profusely but then someone called me up just to make the bleeding stop. It was S. Everytime when we're on the phone, he always make me smile & laugh before he ends our call. If not, he won't wanna end this call til I feel all better again. He's such a sweetheart, don't you think? That's why he's special to me than anyone else in this world. Now, I feel all better again & after the emotions got out, I'm officially over you. But my heart feels empty & I'm all alone again. Gosh, my heart feels torn apart but I'm just gonna bear with this lonely feeling. I know my heart is strong & I don't need boys to heal my wounded heart cause it can heal all by itself. Just gonna wait for Love to come into my doorstep. Whatever it is, I will always love myself & no one can ever make me look down on myself again, no one.

Cold

2010-09-26T23:55:00.006+08:00

Cold.

I know this feeling, this cold feeling that I'm having now. I ask my cold heart what's the problem & he shed a tear while saying this,"I miss tasting a human being's love."

Lying down on the blanket while listening to my Ipod & SG's bestf, N was beside me sleeping. Suddenly I felt something stroking my hair, kept moving my head while closing my eyes. The strokes make my heart feel so relax & then, SG which is S, called me to sit beside him & watch a scary video together with him. I shooked my head & said that I wanted to lie down on the blanket while listening to my Ipod. He smiled & just watched the video. A few minutes later, he turned off the computer & came here to lie down with us. I was in the middle while S was on my left & N was on my right. S came tickling N, & N was laughing while he tried to grab S's hand. S told me to stroke his hair cause he just love it when I stroke his hair. I smiled & just stroke his hair for a little while. Then S started to disturb N again & N's head was around my neck & he kept moving his head. I started to feel arouse & quickly told N to stop moving his head cause his head was at my weakness spot which is my neck. He giggled & told S about it. S knew that my neck is my weakness spot, then N started to poke my neck. I laughed & said that poking wouldn't make me feel aroused at all. Then he slowly move his finger around my neck & I started to move my head. He giggled & moved his finger again.

S grab N's hand & place it on my hips. I stared at S cause that was my other weakness spot & S just smiled but thankfully N didn't move his hand cause if he did then my breathing will start to turn heavy. Then N starts to move his head again which is near around my neck & I started to feel arouse again. Close my eyes & wanted to turn & taste his lips but when I almost got there, I turned my head away. Was afraid that I'll get used up, then N asked me if I'm good at seducing. I replied, " of course." while smiling so wide. He asked me how do I seduce someone. Then I asked him whether he wants me to give him a demo, he smiled & nodded. I laughed & suddenly S's mom called him & S went out of the room keeping the door closed. N just lay beside me & I started t feel cold. Told him that I was so cold & needed something to hug with. He gladly replied, "there, pillow." while showing himself that he's the pillow. I giggled & hugged him.

Then I stroke his hair & he asked whether I love to stroke guys hair. I just nodded & he compliment me that the way I stroke is so nice. I smiled & continue stroking his hair. He then covered his face with his hand & I slowly started to move my hand down to his hips & I started to move my finger around it. I looked at him & saw him giving that wow look. I stopped & said, "& that is how you seduce a guy." while giving him the cheeky look. He giggled & said something, couldn't hear what he said & I told him to repeat it again. He said nothing & I quickly went closer to him & force him to spit it out. I let my right ear move closer to his lips & he then said, "what if .... " I smiled while staring at him & he just blushed while he stared at the ceiling.

S came in & told me that Hafiz texted him what time will I reached home cause he is on his way home. I just replied, "Soon." Then S suggested me to go home now cause he do not want Hafiz to get worried. I nodded, took my stuff & S send me to the MRT station. Suddenly, I felt something changed slowly in my heart & it just turned cold. I know this feeling, this cold feeling. It's a sickness, a lovesick. Told S about it, & he told me to not expect it too much cause it sometimes won't happen. I shooked my head & said that I didn't expect anything but I'm just missing the taste of a human being's love. Reached MRT station & S told me to text him when I reached home. I nodded & waved goodbye to him & I just went off. Train arrived, went in & took a seat. After around 45 mins, train arrived & I boarded. Tap out & I just walk home. It was so cold, looked up & I saw a big round moon & a bright star in the night sky. That feeling was still in me & tears started to rise. I tried to ignore the pain & I managed.

Got home, took a shower & lay down on my bed. S called me & we talk for awhile, he told me that after I left, N started to feel depressed. I was shocked & said that I should have kissed him. We laughed & I asked whether is it about his god brother. He answered, "Yes." & he told me that N was staring at the wall again. He was worried & I got even more worried, I was about to shed a tear but I just bear with the pain. I feel him. S told me to get some rest cause tomorrow I need to wake up for school. Gave him a sigh & just said, "Alright." Told him to tell N not to feel so heartbroken cause it won't help, the only thing he must do is to just move on. We both then hung up & I switched off the lights. Lay down on my bed & the feeling was still inside me. I closed my eyes trying to forget about my feelings & when I just closed my eyes, my right eye shed a tear. I guess I just miss love too much & I know that I won't have a second relationship with another man ever again cause my hope will always be Impossible.

Dead Dolls

2010-09-26T13:48:00.009+08:00

Dead dolls.

Every of this dead dolls have their own gruesome bloody history

The Japanese believe that when they are in the after world, they will be left with only black shadow eyes & a nose.

In my SG's brother's dark room full of living dead dolls. When I first saw them, I was so disgusted & creep out by them. Then whenever my SG [special guy] held out the doll to me, I quickly ran away. They are just too scary but then when time passes by, it turn out that they're just nothing but a plastic doll. Well, I'm kind of scared still so I just let the room door be open. Seriously, try to close your eyes & imagine that you're in a dark room & the next thing when you switch on the light, all the dead dolls are all around staring at you. Isn't that freakishly scary? But one of the dolls kind of caught my eye. She's a very beautiful doll, a Japanese doll wearing a red kimono. There's a white kimono doll too but still I prefer the red kimono doll cause she's just too beautiful. One of the dead dolls have a true story behind it. She is called, 'The Black Dahlia'. She's a very beautiful lady with cute curly hair & she was an actress. Her death was believed from a jealousy rival that cut her mouth from ear to ear, body was cut into half & organs was removed completely. That's the only doll that have a true story behind it, the rest are all non-fiction. You can check them out at http://www.livingdeaddolls.com/

Reflection

2010-09-24T14:34:00.009+08:00

Mirror 'Interest'.

I wish there's a stranger in this world who have a lot of common interest as mine step into my life, cause then you might never know if we might fall deeply into love & have a long lasting relationship

A wish from me to the twinkling stars shooting at night.

A wish that I've been wanting, yea that's right.

But I know I wouldn't get to see this at sight

Cause I know it won't came true at all, I doubt it might.

Sitting on my bed half naked while facing the window thinking when will love come into my doorstep. Not in need of love desperately but just a thinking of curiousity. A tiny hope that it would be soon, cause I kind of miss tasting a human's love. But then, this time my love that I wish for is kind of different cause what I wish for is kind of like a reflection of myself. Not saying that I want a human that looks like me. No, not a mirror image but a mirror interest. Yes, the same interest as mine cause I know that we will have a long lasting relationship. But I don't want our interest to be exactly the same cause then, I know our relationship will be kind of boring.

What I mean is that, as long as it's Love he's mostly interested in like myself, creating love quotes, reading love books, putting love as a first priority, & being so emotional, so soft hearted in Love, then that won't be a boring relationship. But I doubt it will happen cause it's kind of rare to find someone who have the same interest as mine unless you're lucky enough to find one. It's kind of like we're rare diamonds in a small world full of common people. Nowadays, people tend to not get so interested in Love anymore but instead they just use, throw & go. This is what we called, heartless souls. To them, we're the toys & they're the toddlers that will just play us around & throw us away after they got bored with us. Well, what can we do? The only thing we can do is just to move on & forget about it even though it hurts a lot. They just seem to not realized how fresh the love that we've given to them is & how rotten the love they've given to us is. I just hope that one day, this mirror interest will come to my doorstep cause I know I don't deserve to be treated like a toy & so do you.

why u look so cute? gege.. :P RANDOM LA!

2010-09-23T23:02:00.003+08:00

why u look so cute? gege.. :P RANDOM LA!

hmmm, I'm not. You're just blind :D

Ask me anything

Love

2010-09-22T18:04:00.009+08:00

Love.

I won't leave you alone in a dark room but instead I'll be there hugging you tightly protecting you from the darkness, making you feel so secure

Heard the little patter on the window? Yes, the black clouds are pouring rain. Sitting down on my mattress while letting my brain work trying to figure out what to blog & my mind was a total blank. So I decided to post a status in my facebook profile telling my friends to ask me any questions related to anything but I would love to especially hear questions about love cause love is always a favourite topic in my list & here are the very few people who asked me a few questions about love & my personal life:

What is Love? - Indaa Feneh

Well Indaa, there are many meanings behind the word Love & one of them is to have a strong positive emotion of regard & affection towards someone.

What's the most saddest, happiest & precious thing that had happened in your life? - Fie

The most saddest thing that is to happened is that I have a never ending misery in my cold life & til now I'm still suffering from this pain but I can still manage from it.

Happiest? Well, so far there's nothing that have ever make me smile sincerely yet cause even though people out there have seen me smile, they do not know that my heart is still crying from the pain that I'm still facing from then til now.

Precious thing? My precious things are living humans like my grandmother, my aunts, my sweetest clans which is my best friends & my gay clans & of course, my future lover.

Why are you in love with a guy instead of a girl? What happen & what is so fun having a guy to guy relationship? - Ita

Well, that is a good question. Let me tell you some parts of my past life.

In my childhood days, I wasn't like any of you, having fun with friends & not having a miserable childhood but instead I didn't have any friends at all & yes, my childhood days were quite miserable. I got an older brother who's age is around 16 then, but my biological mother isn't his biological mother but instead, my mother is her step-mother. That means he wasn't born through my mother's tummy but instead, on someone elses. My dad got married with another lady before my mother, they both divorce & he then remarried with my mother.

So as I was saying, my brother was staying at our house & things were fine til he molested me a few times & it was such chaos. He forced me to do oral sex with him & it was a no choice for me so I have to do it. The next one was I moved in at my aunt's crib cause my aunt wanted to take care of me so badly so it was none of a choice for my mother that she had to let her take care of me. Thought things were fine then, til I met my older cousin's friend & he too molested me a few times & the worse part is that my brother wanted to stay there just to have fun with me.

So I was a pure gay then til I met a few girls a few years later so I started to have feelings for them & I'm not a pure gay anymore but instead I'm a bisexual. So not to worry cause I have feelings for girls too & I have 5 ex girlfriends for your info.

And the purpose of me having a boy to boy relationship is not because of fun as you label it but instead because of some reasons I chose to stick to boy now. To be frank with you, it's quite hurting too to be in a relationship with a boy so your question will be answered on the next question.

What happen when we pretend to fall out love because we wanted to show him/her we're strong enough to face a break up when we're actually still in love? - Nisa

A flashback came into my mind after reading your question & it was an unexpected flashback cause the flashback was about us when we were in a relationship. I don't know whether you wanted to break up with me because you wanted to show that you girls are strong enough to face one break up cause if it was for me, that will be the most cruel thing you can ever done to me as I really gave all my love & care for you but in the end you gave me this, that shows that you really weren't in love but instead you're just trying to test yourself, in another word, used me instead. What for must you prove to boys that you're strong enough to face one break up when this shows that you really aren't.

Sorry to say this but doing all this is the baddest thing you could have ever done cause you really do not know how I've gone through. I really was in love with you deeply & I really did stick to only you but when you said you wanted to end this, my heart really shattered to pieces & I got really depress til I hurt myself plenty of times.

It took me almost a month to get over you & it was unbearable. Do you know how hard it is to go through this heartbreaking process? My mind got so stress up because of the breaking up that I started to fall for guys instead.

When I was with you, I really did turn to straight & I wanted to introduce you to my parents cause I've been telling them about you, that you're th perfect one but everything turn out unexpectedly & my parents ask when am I gonna introduce you to them. I was speechless & after that I didn't want to be in a relationship with girls then. The new feeling that I had after what had happened between us got me curious to want to explore about the gay world more so I did & now I can never turn back til another girl that can make me fall for her came into my life & that will be quite rare to find. It's not only me that have become like this, a few of my friends turned to gays/bisexual because of this kind of relationship they get from girls.

So let me tell you this, before you do anything unnecassary in a relationship, think hard before you do it cause you might never know if it'll effect someone's life. If you really didn't left me for proving to boys that girls are strong enough, still it was unnecassary for you to end it that way cause I really did my part & you didn't realized that but thanks anyway, I really enjoyed having sweet moments together with you & our sweet moments are still kept locked in my fragile heart. Hope you'll have a wonderful & a better relationship now cause I know you do. Just try not to play with boys feelings alright? I know you're strong, you just have to believe in yourself.

Questions have already been answered. So now you know about my life & about love. Feel free to ask me anymore questions in the formspring on the right of the screen. Will update again soon.

Goodbye dear readers.

what's the worst vice that you have?

2010-09-21T21:05:00.002+08:00

What's the worst vice that you have?

Hmmm, kind of personal so sorry.. Can't answer that. :)

Ask me anything

Leo and Taurus

2010-09-20T18:41:00.000+08:00

Leo & Taurus.

Communication can overcome natural differences in this combination between earth and fire and these differences can become strengths in a rewarding & loving relationship

As a Leo, you have a fiery and impulsive nature. You can be quite stubborn and fixed in your ways and your Taurean partner will be able to relate to this side of your personality. But perhaps you will find that you tend to be a bit more adventurous than your Taurean lover.

Leo Taurus Compatibility Astrology

You both actually have quite powerful and dominant natures. Therefore, if you share similar aims and interests, you could go far as a team. However, should your partner ever show the more stubborn and jealous side of his or her nature, you might not feel very happy.
On the other hand, should you show the more tyrannical side of your nature, problems may develop. But let's stop dwelling on the negative side of this relationship and I'll tell you some of the positive points.

Leo/Taurus as Friends and Lovers

Taurus is a practical, down-to-earth and determined person. You always know exactly where you stand with your Taurean lover and you like this a lot. You can trust Taurus to fulfil all the promises he or she makes to you and you know that Taurus has a lot to give when it comes to passion and emotional satisfaction.

When you work together, you work at similar speeds so teamwork is possible. Sometimes you might think a little quicker than your Taurean partner - who likes to consider every detail - but you're happy to wait until they've caught up with you. What you like about your Taurean is the way they notice little things that you may have overlooked and this helps save you from making mistakes and looking bad. In one way or another, you probably have a lot to thank your Taurean for.

Leo Taurus Relationship Match

You are a sociable person and Taurus will get on well with all your friends and acquaintances. At the same time, Taurus adores the time you spend alone together. Taurus needs lots of loving, lots of hugs and cuddles and all the words of affection you can think of making. Taurus is responsible and conscientious. Taurus needs to feel that this romance is secure and when you have earned your Taurean's trust, he or she will stand by you through thick and thin.

Your Taurus can be quite stubborn but then again, if you're honest, you probably have to admit you can be equally so! But there are so many things you admire about your partner's personality including their basically hard-working and practical view of life. You enjoy your little luxuries

and the nice thing is that your Taurus partner also likes a good excuse every once in a while to forget responsibilities for a while and enjoy a really good binge.

A night out in a top class restaurant, or splurging on a luxury item you would both love but perhaps can't afford will be fun. And because you both understand each other's need to sometimes give way to this more materialistic side to your personalities, there's be no need to feel so guilty. Physically, you're extremely compatible. Neither of you should have any complaints about that side of an already quite interesting relationship.

Scared

2010-09-19T23:31:00.009+08:00

Scared.

Whenever I'm afraid, you'll always hold me tightly & that's where I feel so secure whenever you're around

Just came back from watching movies with my special guy & his bestfriend. Special guy wanted to watch 'Devil' since he said that it's kind of interesting after he read about it. Thought it's going to be boring so just in case, I brought my Perfect Love book along but when we watch th movie, it was so damn scary til I cover up my face with my book while holding my special guy's hand tightly but there's one point where I hugged his bestfriend's arm. Gosh, it was so embarrassing. He just smiled at me & said, " There's nothing to be afraid of. " I just smile back & it kind of make me melt cause I could feel th hard muscles when I was hugging his arms. Gosh.

To be honest, his bestfriend is just drop dead cutest! He is short, his jokes are effingly cute & the way he smile is just so cute but what makes my eyes can't lay off him is his mesmerizing eyes. It's so small & cute! He's CUTE in every way but I doubt he would wanna know me. It's alright, I don't have any hopes on this type of guys. Well after we watched th movie, we went to Burger King to eat. I ate dessert while they ate chicken drumlets & french fries. After we ate, we head off home. Special guy & I went off to take th train while his bestfriend head home by walking cause his crib is just nearby. Well, at least I had fun with the both of them & I get to meet my special guy. Can't wait to meet him or both of them again. Goodbye.

Life

2010-09-18T16:48:00.011+08:00

Life.

I need your right hand to be placed right beside my left hand to make it a whole heart symbol again

It was like I'm in a nightmare after this few days but now, the nightmare seems to end. Or will it? Only god knows but I'm ready for everything cause it's been happening since I was just a little child. Life has been quite challenging this past few years but I can be bearable at times. We should just believe in everything that is gonna happen in our life & just get over it quickly or you won't get to take the knife out of your heart if you know what I mean. Life can be suffering but this is part of life. We should be strong & not always depend on others cause this is your life not theirs. You were born to crawl, stand up & run with your own two feet. It will always be you who complete everything by yourself in life not others but even though other people out there seems to guide you along the way when you're in need, still you will be the one who will settle it all.

Sorry if you don't get the picture cause it's kinda hard to explain, but what I'm trying to say is just don't expect friends, family or your lover to be there for you always cause there will be certain points where they won't get to help you & you need to settle it on your own. Just be strong & no one will ever look down on you. This is not meant for anyone that I've know but it's for everyone here. So I hope you understand that in life, don't expect anything to be your way cause it won't. Expect the unexpected alright?

I fear that something is not right. I feel like you're avoiding me but you said that you're not. I just wanna say this, if you wanna end our date, please do tell me cause I don't wanna be left hanging. If you're dating with anybody else, please tell me too so that we can end our date cause I don't really like it when you're dating with anyone else while you're dating with me especially when I have feelings for you. Don't let karma strike you cause if it does, you know how much pain I must carry it with me. So please be honest & don't ever hide anything from me even though I'm not your boyfriend but still there's no harm in telling right? Up to you to decide.
Goodbye sweetheart.

P.S: I still love you & will be there for you always. Cross my heart.

Which do you prefer: Sunrise or Sunset?

2010-09-17T08:25:00.003+08:00

Which do you prefer: Sunrise or Sunset?

Sunset

Ask me anything

Leo & Aries

2010-09-11T16:15:00.006+08:00

Leo's Best Match.

Two fires signs coming together makes for an explosion of lively passion, adventure and impulsiveness.

For a Leo, life should be exciting and spontaneous. The last thing you want from romance is a relationship where the two partners are so wrapped up in each other that they shut themselves off from the rest of the world. If you've ever had a relationship with a Piscean or a Cancerian, you'll understand what I'm talking about. You want a partner who will offer excitement and adventure. Someone to share all areas of your life: your hobbies & interests, your friendships & your outdoor activities. Some people don't get to experience such compatibility in romance but with an Aries partner, you've found the person you've been searching for all your life.

Leo Aries Compatibility Astrology

Both Aries and Leo are outgoing signs. You will prefer to be out and about, mixing and mingling with others, rather than staying at home. In romance, you will like to feel you can follow your inclinations without a partner who wants to know your every move and your every reason for doing the things that you do. Leo will be happy to give you this personal freedom. Aries won't cling to you like glue. Aries loves to be a part of a crowd and in fact, when you're at a party, a club or a disco, it won't be easy to keep tabs on where your partner happens to be. But just as long as they leave with you, you'll be happy!

Leo Aries Sexual Compatibility

People born under Fire signs are passionate and loving. Both partners will enjoy the physical side of this relationship. It might even be that if you're counting, you'll give your Leo ten out of ten for being the most romantic and hottest lover you've ever been with. But the good thing is, as I've already said, you have so much more in common than that chemical, sexual attraction. You're good friends. You give each other advice when it's ever needed. You enjoy spending each other's money and you can both be a little impetuous when it comes to enjoying the good things in life.

Leo/Aries Relationship Summary

Now although perhaps your Aries partner isn't as steadfast as yourself in that, they can easily become distracted when more interesting things come along, on the whole, your relationship should be rather a good one. You are both freedom-loving signs.
You each like to have more than one iron in the fire and although there are times when you do enjoy your home-life, you'd grow bored if you didn't have something exciting to look forward to every once in a while. Your Aries partner will provide you with this element of exhilaration which will help add spark to your usual routines. As lovers, you know how to please each other. You're both very 'physical' people and you aren't shy about demonstrating your affections. You'll be as adventurous in this area of your life as you are everywhere else. There are so many interests and activities you will enjoy together and this should make for a complementary, contented and probably long-lasting relationship.

Well, this is what I've research on "Leo's best love match" & it's Aries. I love to look up on horoscope & read up on their characteristic. I sort of believe in this horoscope. I don't bother what other's say about horoscope is such a fake but to me, it is. Every time I read about the daily horoscope, it really happened. I will seriously wanna date with a Aries cause they say that it's the best match & they can last long in relationships. I just hope an Aries will step into my life one day. Will wait for it. Can't wait to feel the feeling of an Aries love.

Pain

2010-09-07T16:38:00.008+08:00

Pain.

I rather see myself suffer in pain than seeing you suffer in pain cause
as long as you're smiling, pain is nothing but just a small cut on my finger

At the foot of the block, the wind blew strong touching my thick skin & I close my eyes feeling so calm with an empty mind. Then you came into my mind all of a sudden, a flashback appeared & it was yesterday night. My heart was in pain after what you've said. Few teardrops came rolling & I still manage to control my tears. You're hurt & it's not a problem to you but it is for me cause I hate seeing someone in pain when they're suppose to smile like they always do. I wouldn't mind seeing myself hurt, as long as I could see that wide smile on your face, pain is nothing but just a small cut on my finger but you chose not to listen. You just want what you really want & you don't even care if it caused pain, just as long as it can grant what you want, you're just gonna ignore the pain. I wish you would listen & just forget about what others think about you cause you are not what they think, to me you're just a beautiful angel that came down from the blue sky.

Never have I care someone this much til you appear in my life. You just can't make me stop smiling & I feel so bless to have someone special like you to give me all your care & concern. It's like a gift from god, a very special one. You're my one & only special ecstasy & I will do my best to make you smile. Will be with you til the end cause seeing you smile makes my life even more brighter. You're always in my mind even in my dreams at times & when I open my eyes, the first thing I would already have done is smile. Oh, what a beautiful dream to have you around.

I can't wait to meet you & just give you a warmth hug. Just wanna spend all my time with you fixing your broken heart & til your frown turn upside down.

P.S: A song is stuck in my mind & I would wanna dedicate that song to you. Hope you'll like it cause it's only meant for you, will let you listen to it on our first meeting.

What's the main thing in your mind right now? Why?

2010-09-04T15:27:00.002+08:00

What's the main thing in your mind right now? Why?

Love, Life & Myself.

Love: Wondering when will it strike me.

Life: It's been so suffering & I just hope this misery will end soon.

Myself: I wanna upgrade myself.

Ask me anything

Missing Love

2010-09-02T08:39:00.007+08:00

Missing Love.

I miss falling in Love & get drunk again

'N' Level is just a few days away & I can still shake my leg & do my own stuff. Well, I should start revising then just go slacking around in town or wherever. Already start to revise my Science & English, I should focus more on Science instead of English cause seriously, I almost pass my prelims for Science. Damn! It's okay, there's still 'N' Level. Oh gosh, focus zairul!
It's been a few months since I've not fallen in Love & I kinda miss it quite a lot. Well, I know I should concentrate on my studies but a little Love won't hurt right? I can wait... I'm a very patient type of guy even though sometimes waiting for some stranger is just a waste of time. Well you might never know if he got feelings popping out all of a sudden. Enough Love talks. I should end this talking now. Will update my blog soon.

Lots of Love, Zairul

Incomplete

2010-09-01T16:52:00.008+08:00

Incomplete heart.

My heart is incomplete, & the only missing piece left is just you.

Currently not dating anymore. What happen to that guy that I've recently dating? Oh told him everything. Like I said, I'm straight forward so I can't date with him anymore. I don't have that feeling of Love. I just want us to be friends but he chose to be stubborn & want us to be something more so I just left him. We talk on the phone about this matter for like 6 hours then I gave up & just set him free, it's better losing him then continue arguing about this matter. In the end, when we hung up & agreed to not contact each other again, he came texting & calling me saying he wants me back & just give him another chance. I just ignored & move on.

I know Love have came into my doorstep but I don't feel the love towards you so why continue hiding this empty feeling from you when I can just tell you & we could just be friends. You were hurt, heartbroken & tears came running down. You said karma will strike me but I didn't intend to hurt you this way so this is just nature. Karma will hurt me only if I had treat you badly but I didn't, you did twice & that was our first date. Please don't use my word if you do not know the meaning behind it. Well, I just hope you found your perfect one.

My apologies.

Sincerely,
Zairul

What's the most romantic movie you have ever watched and would love to watch with a partner?

2010-08-26T17:29:00.002+08:00

What's the most romantic movie you have ever watched and would love to watch with a partner?

Hmmm, to be honest with you... I've so long have not been watching movies lately cause no one invite me to go watch movies with them :D

Ask me anything

Fragile

2010-08-26T08:31:00.008+08:00

My fragile heart.

My heart is fragile so please handle it with care

Sorry for not updating. Was kinda busy with school & dance so now I get an opportunity to update my blog. Miss blogging though so how's everything? One word, standard. Everything is just the way it is suppose to be but not until one man step into my life & started to fell for me.

Great news? I think not cause you know that when I said that I wanna put Love aside for now, well I really am putting it aside but I don't wanna break his heart & leave him just like that. Well we could be friends but he wants it to be something more, a step ahead than being friends.

A relationship.

I felt shocked when he told me that he loves me. Just a few days & in my mind was like damn this is too fast but I tried my best to give him the chance, I tried falling in love but the love never shows up. I feel like giving up & tell him that we could be friends instead but I don't have the courage to tell him. Well, his sweet & everything & I could see that he really shows that he loves me but I can't return his favor by loving him back. I just can't cause for now, I wanna be alone & be relax, not be so stress up about love cause all those times, Love have been giving me breakdown & this really have to stop for now. Those men out there just do not know some special ones like me have a fragile heart. They just won't appreciate our sweetness & sincere that we have given them & I've been giving in too much to them that they just took advantage of me, step my head & just left me for some guy. It's all because of this that I wanna let my wounded heart get healed slowly.

Well, that's it for now. Will try my best to update my blog soon.
Goodbye readers

P.S: I'm sorry but the love doesn't show up.

If you are cursed to die within the day by admitting to someone that you love them, would you still do it?

2010-08-26T08:13:00.005+08:00

If you are cursed to die within the day by admitting to someone that you love them, would you still do it?

As in? I were to be curse if I were to admit to that someone I love them, is that your whole point? If it is, then I would admit it if I know he/she wouldn't want me anymore yadayadayada.

Ask me anything